VioletButterfly
Diamond Member
Mod - Please move this if it's in the wrong area. Tks. VB
That being said, I struggled with where to put this post. It involves CPTSD, but it also involves recovery and the the states thereof. It's not like a single incident that I'm trying to recover from, it's ongoing. I did do a search so as not to rehash. I also realize there is an active post re: CPTSD and Chronic Stress, but I feel this is looking at it from a different angle. Please correct me if I'm wrong here.
So, what I'm feeling/thinking today is that I know I want to feel better and function better, also feel that I'm not dealing with trauma issues while present, but that I'm dissociating them and putting them aside in a box, yet knowing the box may explode or did I invent the box an it's not real?! Even the episode I just had with the job through the temp agency. I'm trying to not "make a big deal" out if, but it has triggered something in me that needs processing. At the same time though, I have real-time emergent issues like financial and insurance and health, so where do I focus myself? I've been approaching it as I've posted to others, to take it one day at a time, to acknowledge what I can do each day, to accept what life sends my way, etc... All of those healthy, self-compassion and self-care types of tasks to even out the good vs. the troublesome columns; however, I'm having a difficult time steadying myself. I almost feel split, which is a trigger in and of itself for reasons I can't begin to touch, especially without a therapist to call.
Maybe I'm posting too much and not focusing on myself, but putting myself into "helper" mode instead?
I question myself regarding - "Is this the way my life is going to continue forever? Am I ever going to find the structure I need so that I can then calm down and focus on trauma issues, or are the trauma issues causing me not to find structure?" See? Chicken and egg kind of thing.
So, I kind of am feeling adrift. I'm trying to do the right things to provide structure and health for myself, yet feeling this nagging part of me holding me back that is like having a foot caught in a toxic, emotional quagmire.
Like I'm trying to live a different reality? I'm so confused. Sometimes I feel that when I'm really trying to walk in faith as I am right now that I'm actually walking in denial. That horrifies me as it defies my faith at its very core and I wonder if the dark one is trying to lead me astray. Scares the pants off of me as my faith is all that is keeping me going.
Sorry, I know it's a bit convoluted, but I thought those of us who suffer CPTSD might be able to kind of relate to the complexities of my quandary - dealing with traumas as they keep piling one on top of the other thoughout our lives. Part of me is thinking that I'm a fraud because I've told others that there is no magic wand and no one set of steps to recovery, yet here I am seeming to ask for the same thing. I get that. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Maybe that I'm not alone, heck IDK.
It's just one of those days where I'm of more than one mind and struggling to hold onto the positive that I've put out to others. Like I should be able to follow my own advise, but doubting it at the same time. Make sense? Thanks for reading. VB
That being said, I struggled with where to put this post. It involves CPTSD, but it also involves recovery and the the states thereof. It's not like a single incident that I'm trying to recover from, it's ongoing. I did do a search so as not to rehash. I also realize there is an active post re: CPTSD and Chronic Stress, but I feel this is looking at it from a different angle. Please correct me if I'm wrong here.
So, what I'm feeling/thinking today is that I know I want to feel better and function better, also feel that I'm not dealing with trauma issues while present, but that I'm dissociating them and putting them aside in a box, yet knowing the box may explode or did I invent the box an it's not real?! Even the episode I just had with the job through the temp agency. I'm trying to not "make a big deal" out if, but it has triggered something in me that needs processing. At the same time though, I have real-time emergent issues like financial and insurance and health, so where do I focus myself? I've been approaching it as I've posted to others, to take it one day at a time, to acknowledge what I can do each day, to accept what life sends my way, etc... All of those healthy, self-compassion and self-care types of tasks to even out the good vs. the troublesome columns; however, I'm having a difficult time steadying myself. I almost feel split, which is a trigger in and of itself for reasons I can't begin to touch, especially without a therapist to call.
Maybe I'm posting too much and not focusing on myself, but putting myself into "helper" mode instead?
I question myself regarding - "Is this the way my life is going to continue forever? Am I ever going to find the structure I need so that I can then calm down and focus on trauma issues, or are the trauma issues causing me not to find structure?" See? Chicken and egg kind of thing.
So, I kind of am feeling adrift. I'm trying to do the right things to provide structure and health for myself, yet feeling this nagging part of me holding me back that is like having a foot caught in a toxic, emotional quagmire.
Like I'm trying to live a different reality? I'm so confused. Sometimes I feel that when I'm really trying to walk in faith as I am right now that I'm actually walking in denial. That horrifies me as it defies my faith at its very core and I wonder if the dark one is trying to lead me astray. Scares the pants off of me as my faith is all that is keeping me going.
Sorry, I know it's a bit convoluted, but I thought those of us who suffer CPTSD might be able to kind of relate to the complexities of my quandary - dealing with traumas as they keep piling one on top of the other thoughout our lives. Part of me is thinking that I'm a fraud because I've told others that there is no magic wand and no one set of steps to recovery, yet here I am seeming to ask for the same thing. I get that. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Maybe that I'm not alone, heck IDK.
It's just one of those days where I'm of more than one mind and struggling to hold onto the positive that I've put out to others. Like I should be able to follow my own advise, but doubting it at the same time. Make sense? Thanks for reading. VB
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