An Emotional Shake-up

[VioletButterfly]

Just wondering, does anyone else feel like they just need a good mental/emotional shaking? Not in a violent way, just in a wake-up kind of way. Maybe it's my desire to be free of all of that I know about trauma in general, in what I've been through in particular, and what I am experiencing a result of it all. Then, there are all the tools to heal and therapy and the whole 9 yards of trudging through this quagmire to get to "that place" where we find a better way of living. Maybe I'm just exhausted or overwhelmed, but I just feel like I need someone (and I feel incapable) of just giving me a good reality shake and "snap out of it" as Cher put it in Moonlighting. Like I want to believe that something that simple could heal me. It's frustrating and distressing! Grrrrr! Maybe I need to just get good and angry with the who flippin' situation. Heck, IDK. I'm impatient. I'm tired of suffering, I'm tired of feeling weak. I'm tired of being tired. Good grief. Sorry, I guess this is turning into a bit of a rant.

It's like I saw a response @anthony made the other day to someone's post and I just LOL'd because it was what I needed to hear directed at myself, probably not what the poster wanted to hear, but to me it was like "Girl, get off your fanny and get to work, don't give in, get going, you can do it, no excuses, etc...." It's funny, I guess, how we all react differently. But to me, that morning, when I saw that, that's what I got from it in regards to my thinking. It's like I need someone to draw a "bullshit!" line in the sand for me. Oy! So, I guess that will be me and God drawing that line, or the bank if I don't get a job soon. So, well, onward! I've drawn the BS line in the sand with my insurance company and I drew that line with the temp job president who stepped WAY over the line, so I guess I'm next up on the roster. VB now has a Sharpie pen to start drawing lines.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I always told my therapist that I needed to be pushed like Will's last therapy session in the movie Good Will Hunting, where Robin Williams pushed him to the wall, to sort of break his walls down.

But no, emotional "shake ups" dont work for me. They come across, to me, as uncaring. Yes, there are times that I need to get my head out of my ass, stop making excuses, and go for it. But emotional "shake ups", to me, are negating the fear and other emotions I have as to why Im not willing to jump off that ledge and get it done.

I guess its due to my personality. Im a fighter and when something needs done, I get it done. But there are a moutian of emotions and fears and very good reasons why i cant seem to do something at the moment and instead of jumping in the deep end of a pool, i need to get my toes wet and slowly walk in the pool with the support of someone (my therapist as he is the only support i have).

I have no idea if any of that makes sense. These emotional shake ups just dont work for me historically.

 

[aut555]

Healing for me has been a time frame within 2 years. I take value of the times l stand up for myself, deal effectively with emotional triggers of ex's abuse coming to surface. And l add up the more normal days l have instead of foggy deep, lost in the darkness. Can you find the pluses that are moving forward, kind of change your whole thought processes. I actually reward myself with adjusted healthy responses to adverse situations. Now l no longer need to do this, those responses have been forthcoming without a reward. Retraining yourself maybe? Ok, hope this isn't too confusing.

 

[VioletButterfly]

"Girl, get off your fanny and get to work, don't give in, get going, you can do it, no excuses, etc...."

Hmmm, maybe my language was too strong in my title. I believe I'm saying the same thing you are @lostforgottensoul, but with different words . Nothing violent, just a wake-up call or nudge. Kind of a redirecting. "VB are you with me, hello, where are you???" or like what I've quoted above. That kind of thing. I'm trying to motivate instead of coddle myself. That doesn't mean there isn't a great deal of self-care efforts going on as well. I'm working on it myself as I don't have a T and am trying trying to pour as much good as I can into my life. I am drawing lines as I've gone a little far to be healthy right now, so I'm making a health plan full of medicinal herbs and good whole foods to see if it makes a difference. I'm also trying to draw the line on isolation. I know I do better when I actually GO to church instead of watching it on my laptop and I think it would help me to be around others if even the Christian yoga class or Families Anon or Al Anon groups I spoke about in another thread. I need to build good, new, healthy relationships and memories. Can't really do that without others around me. At least for me that's how it works. Being alone leaves me prey to all of the demons from the past and the ones that are still circling in my mind. Ugh. Not pleasant.

@aut555 - I hear you on adding positives into the scenario. I trying to do that as often as possible when thinking goes the opposite direction. I'm building a column of healthier thinking to stave off the negative. I do believe it helps. It's definitely a CBT thing and will take a great deal more work to get me to where I'd like to be.

Thanks for reading and for your responses. VB

 

[rosey]

I get what you are saying @VioletButterfly i think for me i almost could do with taking a length of time off from life and have some tough love therapy. Something to break it down and then put it all back together in a better way.

It is my impatience i want to be ok now not in 5 years time.....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Nothing violent, just a wake-up call or nudge. Kind of a redirecting. "VB are you with me, hello, where are you???"

I wasnt thinking violent (or real life, as you were talking about something anthony posted) but are you meaning like a gentle nudge or a huge non-gentle nudge? I do well with gentle nudges when I can tell they care and are only trying to help but it puts me on the defense if someone is just all out 'Bullshit, its like this'. Some do well with that, i dont. I do like people to tell me the truth and be honest with me but theres a gentle way to do that and a not so gentle way. The not so gentle way, after I am done defending myself, being angry, and freaking out, i may come to understand that they were only trying to help but I may not too and why go through all of that if you can do it a bit more gently? I dont mean coddle, just talk like you care and arent just telling someone that they are wrong?

ETA: Im not speaking directly about Anthony as I have no idea the post in which you are speaking about. Was just the only example i could think of.

I agree about the church thing. I mean, i do horribly in a church, tried the small church thing right before I came here and freaked out in the middle of all of the "church people". It is different for me as 'god stuff' was one of the biggest part of my trauma so struggle greatly with it all. And people alone terrify me too and then "church people" even more so. So, it didnt work well at the time. But if it helps you, go for it!

 

[ladee]

It is ok to be so weary of all this. Been at it many years and just this morning you should have seen me trying to decide to take a soda with me on my errands today... Good Grief !!! Something so simple turns into drama and trauma... I just stopped... took a deep breath and picked up the soda and walked out the door..
Nothing earth shattering, but everything seems so complicated...
Some days I just have to take the day off, or even a few days. Just to be stupid and have a hard time making simple choices.. and not think everything to death.
I truly understand.. I just get weary from it all........
You just sound tired... you'll know when it is time to pick up the pace.... instead of a gentle shaking, maybe you need to be told it is normal what you are feeling, take a break... we all know PTSD isn't going anywhere....just be sick and tired of it all for a little while... that's ok... gentle hugs.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Just wondering, does anyone else feel like they just need a good mental/emotional shaking? Not...

I would take offense if anyone told a suffering human to "snap out of it". A human being can not snap out of an illness, and PTSD is an illness. That would pretty much be the same thing than asking a patient with heart disease or cancer to "snap out of it".

We, the ones with this debilitating illness, have to give ourselves credit, and we have to ward of people that use these phrases: because such phrases deny our illness and imply that it is in our power to simply say: o.k., now I do not have this illness anymore.

 

[VioletButterfly]

"I get what you are saying @VioletButterfly i think for me i almost could do with taking a length of time off from life and have some tough love therapy. Something to break it down and then put it all back together in a better way.

It is my impatience i want to be ok now not in 5 years time....."

@rosey - Absolutely! That has been such an issue for me since beginning therapy. I can't even seem to catch my emotional breath due to the ramifications of the past or the stressors of daily life sitting atop my being. I'd like some of that time off as well. :) I'd also like some qualified and focused help in doing so. Haven't found it yet, but am still in the game. I hear you on impatience, but am also trying to embrace what @ladee notes in her post re: being tired, being gentle with myself, taking time, and accepting my current feelings as par for the course with PTSD.

@lostforgottensoul - Actually, the nudging I have been thinking about is more about me motivating myself, for, the most part, but I wouldn't mind some constructive redirecting from peers who get me or from a T when I ask or if they see me going off the rails. Definitely about redirecting and motivating myself. I don't accept abuse anymore so "no" to any yelling or harsh talk. What Anthony said just caught my attention and kind of rang a bell with what was going through my mind, it wasn't related to the thread. Very out of context, but it resonated with where I was at in the moment. Still does 'cause, sometimes, I need to take out my mental Sharpie marker and draw a line for myself with myself on any number of issues, whether it's finding courage, stepping out in faith, taking care of my health, stepping back, reaching out, etc.... I have to take charge of my own life and sometimes I need to be reminded of that fact. I hope that makes more sense than my initial post and clearly defines that I would not yell at anyone else, nor accept that from others any longer. It's all about being gentle at this point, although the "snap out of it" makes me chuckle as I wish it were that easy for me to finding healing and peace. I wish we all had that luxury, but I think that's in the toy box with the magic healing wand, the magic healing pills, and the exact cookie cutter roadmap to peace.

@ladee - Yes, looking in the mirror at your first few of lines. That's me running in circles in my mind - a daily struggle now. Thank you for sharing your experiences, wisdom and kind encouragement. I've embraced what you've written for the past few days and really tried to just step back and be gentler with myself, letting some issues play out without micromanaging them to death, praying, resting, and accepting what I have on deck. Letting go and going on is very hard to balance, but well, I guess we all do the best that we can and in the end that has to be good enough. The rest goes upstairs as I don't really control a whole lot anyway. May I hug your post? Tks.

Thank you to all of you. Blessings - VB

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I hope that makes more sense

It does, thank you.

I would agree that some of Anthony's post is things I say to myself. It does get a bit comical when you can identify that, related to that thread or not.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@lostforgottensoul - Good to know as I didn't want to confuse anyone, but did feel I was a bit wobbly in my wording. I've been a bit all over the place lately, so I took a few days to calm down and reflect as was suggested above. Doing a bit better today. On the plus side, I've won two battles with the insurance carrier I mentioned in one of your threads. I've been told checks are in the mail. One battle down, plenty more to go, one day at a time. Tks. VB

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I've been told checks are in the mail.

Yay, thats awesome!

Yeah, I do better when focused too.