Okay, so I really came to the conclusion I have PTSD a few weeks ago and have been waiting to see my therapist who can be hit and miss in terms of actual help.
I finished a course of CBT last year with a therapist and made some good progress. Talked about my upbringing and stuff so it's all noted down. Now I just see the psych every once in a while.
Decided to tell her I think I have PTSD for the following reasons
- I suffered severe emotional abuse as a child pretty much my whole life until I was 20 (am not 23) and she only stopped because I ended up in hospital. Things are okay now with regards to me relationship with my mother it just shouldn't have come to that.
- I was taken advantage of by an older guy who groomed me when I was 15. I willingly had sex with him then he cut off all contact. I realised I had been taken advantage of and confided in a few people saying he raped me because that's how I felt. Then the rest of the time felt guilty because I felt like I lied because I was willing and I'm sorry if that was wrong I have tortured myself over it alot and so far have only talked to my boyfriend and psych about it
- At age 19 sexually assaulted by a guy and just kidded myself it was okay
- At age 20 I was sexually assaulted in a car by a guy, this time was unignorable and feel like this is karma
My psych didn't seem to know what I was talking about with regards to my mother even though I talked about it in depth with the therapist so surely my psych should have some notes? But regardless, she seemed to understand what I was saying but did not seem to take me seriously. I told her about the flashbacks and stuff and she asked me the following questions
- How often do you get flashbacks? (3-4 a day~)
- Do you have nightmares? (not particularly)
- Are you hyper vigilant? (I suffer really bad anxiety so hard to tell. She said soldiers with PTSD always sit with their back to the wall for fear of being attacked. Couldn't relate to that example but I would say I'm very vigilant because of the anxiety and I was definitely hyper vigilant as a child, went a whole year unable to be in a room by myself because of fear.)
She deducted from these answers that I don't have PTSD. Feel like total dirt. Feel like I've dragged all this stuff to the surface for absolutely no reason. I asked if EMDR would help me and she said she didn't know much about it but probably not. Feel like I've taken two steps back. Feel like I'm going crazy and that none of this stuff happened and I lied to her some how. She kept sitting in silence waiting for me to speak which I know is a tactic they use and I fell for it and kept talking and ended up just saying I'm happy with life and thank you and stuff. I'm lost tbh. She's seeing me in two months
Worst of it was since I was crying I had an incredibly snotty nose and feel really embaressed. Think I need a therapy session to get over this therapy session.
I finished a course of CBT last year with a therapist and made some good progress. Talked about my upbringing and stuff so it's all noted down. Now I just see the psych every once in a while.
Decided to tell her I think I have PTSD for the following reasons
- I suffered severe emotional abuse as a child pretty much my whole life until I was 20 (am not 23) and she only stopped because I ended up in hospital. Things are okay now with regards to me relationship with my mother it just shouldn't have come to that.
- I was taken advantage of by an older guy who groomed me when I was 15. I willingly had sex with him then he cut off all contact. I realised I had been taken advantage of and confided in a few people saying he raped me because that's how I felt. Then the rest of the time felt guilty because I felt like I lied because I was willing and I'm sorry if that was wrong I have tortured myself over it alot and so far have only talked to my boyfriend and psych about it
- At age 19 sexually assaulted by a guy and just kidded myself it was okay
- At age 20 I was sexually assaulted in a car by a guy, this time was unignorable and feel like this is karma
My psych didn't seem to know what I was talking about with regards to my mother even though I talked about it in depth with the therapist so surely my psych should have some notes? But regardless, she seemed to understand what I was saying but did not seem to take me seriously. I told her about the flashbacks and stuff and she asked me the following questions
- How often do you get flashbacks? (3-4 a day~)
- Do you have nightmares? (not particularly)
- Are you hyper vigilant? (I suffer really bad anxiety so hard to tell. She said soldiers with PTSD always sit with their back to the wall for fear of being attacked. Couldn't relate to that example but I would say I'm very vigilant because of the anxiety and I was definitely hyper vigilant as a child, went a whole year unable to be in a room by myself because of fear.)
She deducted from these answers that I don't have PTSD. Feel like total dirt. Feel like I've dragged all this stuff to the surface for absolutely no reason. I asked if EMDR would help me and she said she didn't know much about it but probably not. Feel like I've taken two steps back. Feel like I'm going crazy and that none of this stuff happened and I lied to her some how. She kept sitting in silence waiting for me to speak which I know is a tactic they use and I fell for it and kept talking and ended up just saying I'm happy with life and thank you and stuff. I'm lost tbh. She's seeing me in two months
Worst of it was since I was crying I had an incredibly snotty nose and feel really embaressed. Think I need a therapy session to get over this therapy session.
