I normally have lots of issues with low self-esteem and guilt. Especially when it comes to my relationship with the father of my son. I feel so stupid and weak for getting him involved in my son's (and my own) life and letting him cross our boundaries so far.
But today I felt proud and strong for the first time in.. years? That's a victory for me and I wanted to share!
Today I had a conversation with two social workers. They heard my story for the first time. They asked some questions, for example whether there still was contact between my son and his father. I told him that there was a long family court process, but in the end my ex was not allowed to have legal fatherhood and visitation rights. They asked what that did to me. I told them I felt ambigious: I felt the greatest relief of my life that my child was safe, but also the greatest grief of my life, because the long battle in court cost me everything - I ended up chronically traumatized and psychotic and unable to care for my son because of the longlasting terror and struggle to protect him.
The social workers said (I'm not sure how to translate it, don't know the right English terms): you kept on standing inbetween your ex and your son to protect your son, no matter what it cost you. You intercepted all the "blows". You fought to keep your child safe. Don't you feel proud about that?
I never saw it that way. It always felt like failure, not victory.
Today was the first time I did feel proud. I did fight to protect my child with everything I had. And I succeeded. He grows up in a safe and loving situation and is a very happy and carefree child. He is doing so very well. I fought for him and he is safe.
So today I can say for the first time: I feel proud and strong! :)
But today I felt proud and strong for the first time in.. years? That's a victory for me and I wanted to share!
Today I had a conversation with two social workers. They heard my story for the first time. They asked some questions, for example whether there still was contact between my son and his father. I told him that there was a long family court process, but in the end my ex was not allowed to have legal fatherhood and visitation rights. They asked what that did to me. I told them I felt ambigious: I felt the greatest relief of my life that my child was safe, but also the greatest grief of my life, because the long battle in court cost me everything - I ended up chronically traumatized and psychotic and unable to care for my son because of the longlasting terror and struggle to protect him.
The social workers said (I'm not sure how to translate it, don't know the right English terms): you kept on standing inbetween your ex and your son to protect your son, no matter what it cost you. You intercepted all the "blows". You fought to keep your child safe. Don't you feel proud about that?
I never saw it that way. It always felt like failure, not victory.
Today was the first time I did feel proud. I did fight to protect my child with everything I had. And I succeeded. He grows up in a safe and loving situation and is a very happy and carefree child. He is doing so very well. I fought for him and he is safe.
So today I can say for the first time: I feel proud and strong! :)
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