Making A Friend... For Real... What's "safe"?

[Thizette]

So you don't think she's just playing a supportive role, with no intent to build a real friendship? I don't want to be someone's project.

I don't think so based on what you've said, but I'm not the one who has been interacting with her. It's good you don't want to be someone's project, but has she given any indicators that that's what you are? Don't make up red flags where there are none. On the other hand, if there are legitimately red flags, trust your gut.

 

[DogwoodTree]

has she given any indicators that that's what you are? Don't make up red flags where there are none.

Well, no, not really...other than giving me way more attention than anyone else ever has in a platonic relationship. Don't get me wrong--this has been a real boost to my mood, and tonight I'm forcing myself not to email her on FB because I don't want to be too needy or wear out the relationship. I honestly don't know if it's my own dysfunction saying it's bad to want to talk with someone every day and I need to leave her alone so I don't bother her...or if I'm trying to apply more adaptive relating by giving us both space to still be separate people with our own lives.

It's so confusing, and the harder I work at it, the more fake I feel. But if I stop working at it, I do things wrong...like emailing her multiple times a day, or not being responsive to the things she shares. Either way, I end up feeling isolated.

 

[scout86]

This might be worth talking about with your T. I know what you mean, when you talk about how hard this stuff can be to negotiate. It might help to be able to discuss it with someone who actually knows you. I've had a number of "what am I supposed to do about THIS?" conversations with my T. It's been helpful. And, when I get off on "I should KNOW this stuff!" He points out that there's a lot I've never really had a chance to learn. Good luck!

 

[Jules1]

I've found there is at least one friend like this in a lifetime. I found a couple myself, but I still have...

It is interesting to me reading your posts about the difficulties and fears of making friendships as I have the same problems and it has become so important to me I am an uptight mess whenever out socially.... and I seem to scare people off these days so have pretty much given up trying and become a recluse again. So when you meet someone who seems to be on the same page its a wonderful feeling... and yes... you do have to take care but probs you are so vigilant and sensitive not much will get past you lol. ... but it is great to have this site to share your feelings and fears and help keep you grounded, balanced. I wish you all the best with your new buddy.... whether it be a season, reason or a lifetime....

 

[Changing4Best]

I had a really close friend once that I let down the curtains for and everything went well for years. Then she reconnected with her mother, who disapproved of our friendship because she said that since we were so close and went everywhere together that folks would "think we were lesbians" and so my friend, trying to please her mother, dumped me! I was heart broken, as we had been super close for years. As time went on, however, she found out that her mother was a heartless person and that she had been mistaken. She wanted to re-friend me, but by that time I had moved 600 miles away. We are still Facebook friends, but other than that, I would never ever give her the chance to hurt me again! I would not allow her to get close to me again like that.

I have another friend now who calls me her "best friend" and who I occasionally call my best friend too. We are not as close as the other woman and I were, I will probably never ever let anyone get that close again. Instead, I go to the Local Senior Center and have many friends there. I don't let any of them get super close either. We just talk about our lives in general, none of the really sad stuff, mostly the happy stuff. I one time did mention my PTSD, but just briefly and I doubt anyone even remembers it. It was during a lecture on the subject by a visiting nurse that comes each month to tell us about various mental health issues. We have lectures regularly about all kinds of health issues and we learn stuff that way, which is good.

I visit one time a month or less now with my "best friend" and we have some things in common, including that we are both PTSD. We don't talk about that much, though we both have shared why we are PTSD in the past. We don't dwell on it though. Instead we go out to eat and talk about what is occurring in our lives now that is good. We share pet stories and things like that. It is safe and it is good.