Trying To Resist Cutting

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have not cut for months. I am not sure how many but I think about 6. This is a hard time of year for me and I can feel parts of myself longing for the release that they know cutting will bring. I am huddling in bed with a computer in front of me sometimes crying or calling out to the void that "I can't do this any more" or asking "Why can't I be normal?". At the same time I can feel a deep sense of wanting this to over- no more misery and a strong desire to just get over it and move one. I am torn by the hatred I feel for myself and the hatred I feel for doing anything productive as being pretend. I just want to feel better. I thought this year was going to be better. Last week was better, but last week wasn't October. I can't keep the momentum going. My body and mind are freaking out in all kinds of different ways. I am staying in one place and using all my strength to do that so I won't hurt myself.

However, in an hour or two I will have to get out of bed and shower, pretend to be functional and go pick up my children (a task I hate- I hate going into daycare), feed them dinner by myself (a rarity), and then I will probably force myself out to choir rehearsal (which may help, but also hurt because while singing helps, pretending I am normal makes me angry and sad). I want to go pick up my kids in my pjs and have the world show me some compassion. But most of the world out there wouldn't understand. And I am afraid to shower because that will bring me closer to self-harm. But it's a rule (internally, from the past or OCD) that I must shower before leaving the house or before going about my day.

I just need to get that out there because I feel so lost.

 

[Ronin]

And showered, in PJs, and clothes over pajama (if they're a comfort thing) is not an option for wearing?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Ronin , I appreciate that thought/suggestion. Maybe someday I could do that. But no, not an option. Even when I was an in-patient and it was perfectly "normal" to not shower and I was lightheaded and could barely stand, I showered before going to staff with how I was feeling. It's a hard fast rule in my brain (as are a lot of things, sigh). I am showered and dressed though and so far no self-harm.

 

[Ronin]

Got it, and super proud of you, because to keep from compulsions requires a tad of determination. :hug:

 

[void]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve :hug:

The desire to cut, imo, emerges when there is something specific that we can't or won't face.

The pain cannot be denied, it must be faced and so as a last resort the mind creates the urge to cut....to break loose that which is stuck.

Could this be true with you?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Could this be true with you?

Definitely. There's a lot of stuff to sort out in my life and it's an anniversary time of year that lasts about 4 months so that's hard. Plus there's stuff I am remembering or piecing together from childhood trauma that my system keeps me from talking about and that is eating at me inside. I had tons of nightmares last night and flashbacks this morning. There's a lot going on externally as well right now, too. It's just all piling up I guess.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I failed. Twice this week. Don't know if it's helping the part that's doing it, but it's certainly not helping me. I feel so lost.

 

[scout86]

What are other options? Other ways to release that same energy? Because that's kind of what it is, isn't it?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I know other ways, but I am not always co-conscious with this part which makes it hard. She's stuck in her own world and she has relaxation places in there to help her, but when times get really rough she says she can't get there. I am working on creating a new plan to help with that, but that takes time. I need to figure out warning signs for this part, too, but just when I think I figured something out it changes. I do try to keep music on as often as I can because that seems to help my system overall. It's hard to get outside to walk or run because it's fall. I tried doing some artwork last night, but it turned into negative self-statements. I will keep thinking and working though. I am just so disappointed because it had been so long since there has been cutting.

 

[void]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve

Perhaps a re-frame of this "I failed. Twice this week....." may be helpful.

Instead... "I found a much needed release of my pain, twice this week. I will continue to consider other ways to release the pain in the future"
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Some ppl who engage in NSSI try to use less damaging options, like really cold water on the hands. The pain is intense and rapid but does not risk infection like cutting.

Just a thought.:hug:

Keep us posted.:hug:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Some ppl who engage in NSSI try to use less damaging options, like really cold water on the hands. The pain is intense and rapid but does not risk infection like cutting.

Yes, I know those strategies, but it's hard to apply them when I am not co-conscious and am dissociated into another part. It gets tricky. But that won't stop me from working on figuring out how to teach this part other ways and get her to believe she is allowed to use them.

 

[Friday]

One thing that helps me when I've got my BigBad &/or Nuclear Coping Mechanisms pounding at me?

Half a dozen smaller coping mechanisms.

None of them individually even come close to the effect of the one I want to use. But start stacking them up? A piece here a piece there, just relieves the pressure as well as soothing the need for them to begin with.

Like I might be starvin'o'the'hunger and reeeeeally want a steak. But if I eat a tablespoon of peanut butter, some spinach, a carrot, an egg? No, it's not the steak I'm craving, but it's both eating AND it's helping relieve the hunger that's causing me to want the steak. Protein, fat, iron. Coping mechanisms are often like that. I could get the protein fat and iron all in one place from the steak, or I can get the pieces individually from other places (peanut butter = protein and fat, spinach = iron, egg = protein... carrot is fairly pointless, but that happens, too ;)). I may still *want* the steak, but the hunger has been solved, as well as the deficiencies driving the craving. So it becomes a want, instead of a craving. Which makes it easier to ignore.

Same token, if I'm only eating once a week? And I've got a 22oz porterhouse fresh off the grill... Or half a sandwich? Duh. I'm going for the steak. But? If I'm eating every single day? Even when I'm not hungry? Half a sammie here, some salad there, a kebab, some pasta.... Then I'm not all Pounce! Steak snatched up and half eaten out of ...starving. Instead, I'm well fed, and I can make reasoned decisions.

So when there are BigBoy coping mechanisms banging on my door? Instead of just resisting them; replacing them with a whole lot of others / as wide a variety as I can... And doing so regularly / before I want/need them.