When Your Abuser-parent Is Near The Throws Of Death

[Recovery4Me]

Thanks...will think on these things and chose an action.:notworthy::hug:

 

[Panda Bear]

Sigh....

Forgiveness doesn't mean that I have to see my mom, nor allow people to pressure me into decisions otherwise.

I can and do forgive my mom for what she did....forgiveness is about me, not her.

But at the urgent request of my therapist, I'm not to have contact with her. He just won't allow it to happen....

Just this week we worked in replacing her in my mind and heart with people in my life that are nurturing, loving, bring me joy and peace when I think of them.

Sucks, buy yeah, when she dies....I probably won't see her. I don't have regrets, and it's not my job to make her regrets better. That's between her and God, not me.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Panda Bear :hug: I understand and am glad you are finding healing within your journey with your T.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I started to write this in another thread and decided to transfer it here- as this is where it really belongs:

1. I will not justify the obvious to my family: I do not seek their approval for my conscious.
2. I was not born with PTSD : I will not carry their cross of infliction.
3. I have considered a situation and forewent self-compassion within my process.
4. I do not have to be the 'bigger' person: I just have to be.
5. I have lived with limitations as an result of the PTSD...and for once those family members imposing their views can deal with their unmet expectations as well as their aftermath.

I will not see my Mom nor subject myself to my sister - which would be unsafe. I will however, consider another method of conveyance.

Thank you for assisting me with your warmth, compassion, narratives and kindness.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I was actually so relieved to hear that my dad had died already, spared me from so much. I was being a full time caregiver and could not go if I wanted to which I did not. I just weird at first and then relief that he could not harm anyone ever again.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

We crossed posted,:confused: I think you have really been thinking this one out and I am proud of you. I wish you the best.:hug:

 

[Recovery4Me]

@gizmo at this time, your words placed great comfort within my heart. Thank you.

I have discovered (that for me) - forgiveness is inherently different than martyrdom. :hug:

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Very difficult situation.

I committed myself to a parentectomy for some twenty years on the repeated advice of my therapist. I did such a good job my parents and extended family couldn't find me.

Then, one day about twenty years later, my grandmother told me that my father was dying and wanted desperately to see me. I took and chance and called my parents; I had to leave a message as they were out. About half an hour later, they returned my call; they were overjoyed to hear from me. As it turned out, when I called they were at the post office mailing a letter to social Security in a bid to get the SSA to forward a message to my last known address.

It turned out for the good. They were truly repentant. I helped care for my father in his final illness, and I will treasure those last days of his forever.

Now, I am not suggesting you do what I did. Every situation is different. I had a sense of cntrol, so to speak, as I had effectively ousted them from my life for so many years, and so I never had the sense that I was crawling back to them for more abuse.

Think this out and do whatever seems best for YOU. You are probably the only one who truly knows what's best for you.

 

[scout86]

I think one important point in your story, @BuckarooBanzai , is that THEY sought YOU out. I'd take that as a sign something might have changed. Glad it worked out that way!

 

[Recovery4Me]

@BuckarooBanzai Thank you so much for your addition to the thread. It is wonderful that members can add to their hearts an beautiful ending to that of past trauma. I am sure it will give many hope.

For me, there is nothing that my Mom could offer to me insofar as her amends that might sooth or make nice, the actual crimes committed. Insofar as my sex offender Dad, a neighbor found me through the Red Cross as he was abandoned on a home hospital bed with empty IVs still attached, in dry fecal matter, bed sores, starving and near death - alone in another state. I came to the rescue immediately, as many would do out of duty, pity and an sense of humanity.

But this situation is different for me at this time. She was the sever physical torturer, the mind breaker, the gaslighter, an drugger of children, a woman that literally attempted murder on that of my brother, an Mom that would lock us out of the house with no coat nor food at random. She endangered my siblings on a regular basis. *This is as neutral as I can write this lighter list at this time.

So, I do not think, I really need to hear that she is sorry for 'me' . However, I did considered listening in order for her to make amends for her own peace. But then, I have an mental disability:clown:.

:hug:

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

THEY sought YOU out.

YES, excellent point. So, when I heard, I knew there was an open door with a possible confession/apology. It felt relatively safe to give the relationship another try.

Note, however, that while some perpetrators apologize and make nice before they pass on, many to possibly most do not.

For me, there is nothing that my Mom could offer to me insofar as her amends that might sooth or make nice, the actual crimes committed.

Well, there you are. You have provided yourself with the answer. Again: You know what you need better than anyone else.

If you choose contact, please don't do it out of a sense of guilt but rather because it is something you truly want for yourself.

Perpetrators - especially of the magnitude you've described - do not deserve our attention.

 

[shimmerz]

especially of the magnitude you've described - do not deserve our attention.

Yes, and if the last meeting goes badly, they get to die. We get to live with the haunting thoughts of yet another attempt eat away at our souls.