How To Find The Balance

[Maddy2012]

Hi everybody,
I'' new here. I have C-PTSD from a traumatic childhood.

I have some trouble in the relationship with my boyfriend. Lately it's really getting to me. He is really sweet, kind and understanding, when I explain, how I feel and my reactions to him. I feel better after, but he doesn't change the way, he acts around me. He gambles a lot. Sometimes he is really sweet, but other times he gets so obsessed with the gambling, that it seems like he doesn't even notice, I''m in the room with him. I have told him, how it makes me feel, and he acts really nice, but he can't stop the gambling. I try to accept it, but it's really hard for me.

I lately came to the conclusion, that the gambling is not the only problem in the relationship for me. He is bipolar (on medication), and sometimes he is really sweet, but other times it seems like he doesn't want me around. I can't handle to get a lot of love and to loose it again. I feel so rejected. Severale times has he cancelled our time together. I have told him to explain it to me nice and slow, so I do not go into emotional flashback. He told me, that he understood my reaction, but he stille does it the same way.

He is not a bad guy, but I get hurt so many times. I know, I have a lot of emotional problems from the C-PTSD, but I handle it really well on the outside. I try to see both sides of the situation. On the inside I''m going into pieces. It makes me really sad and scared. Right now I''m angry too. Our relationship is mostly about him. He desides, when we can see each other, when we can have sex and a lot of other stuff. I feel unwanted and used at the same time. I feel so angry right now. I want to have a long talk with him next time, but I can't figure out, how much of my pain is his doing or emotional flashbacks. I don't want to be unfair, but I have to do something about it.

 

[IamFree]

It can sometimes be the case with CPTSD that relationships in adulthood can end up resembling the same patterns as the dysfunctional family relationships we lived with . In my case my parents were addicts so in adulthood I unconsciously ended up gravitating towards relationships with addicts. this is just my own experience and opinion though.

 

[BlueOrange]

Hi Maddy and welcome to the forums.

It sounds like you're unhappy with the relationship. You don't need any more reason than that to insist on changes. You don't need any more reason than that to leave (if that's what you decide to do). He gets to choose whether or not to change his behaviour. I accept that he's a good person who deserves good things. I believe that you're a good person who deserves good things. It's entirely up to you to decide what your minimum requirements are in a relationship.

 

[selfcompassion]

Hi everybody,
I'' new here. I have C-PTSD from a traumatic childhood.

I have some trouble in the re...

I repeated my pattern of emotionally unavailable boyfriends/spouses. At 53, I finally decided to end this completely. I'm working on up leveling and resolving my childhood wounds so I can "pick" better next round. Our subconscious will pick for us until we have done this. EMDR is helpful over talk therapy, as it reaches the subconscious. Plus, I got over the I'm damaged, so should not be picky. I find choosing injured people like myself who are awake and aware of their own issues, more satisfying. People who take responsibility for their present and past behaviors. People who value themselves and their relationships. I want healthy relationships now.

 

[Maddy2012]

Thank you so mich for the comments.

I'' trying to figure out, what I want. I come from a very dysfunctional family. My father is emotinally unavaible. He left the family, when I was 2 1/2 years old. My mothers was a narcissist. She only cared about her own needs. She was only kind to her 3 children to keep us close to her. She was 62 years old, when she for the first time felt any kind of love for her children. My brother was 38 years old, my sister was 33 years and I was 35 years back then. My brother is an abusive narcissist. He sexually abused me in my childhood. I was the grown up in the family. Trying to keep everybody safe. So that is my role in life.

I don't want to leave my boyfriend, but I don't know, how to fix the problems. He is saying all the rigth things most of the time, but action speaks louder than words. Normally we see each other a couple of days every week, but the last month have we only seen each other 2 times (3 days in total). I get a lot of emotinal flashbacks, where I feel unwanted and used. I try to figure out, what I did or said wrong this time. My brain is going crazy. I try to find an explanation, but I get this bad feeling, that it must be me. That I''m to much trouble or to needy, even though I know, that I didn't change. I'm not saying, I'm perfect, but I try to act like a grown up no matter, what happens and take responsebility for my own feelings, even though it's pretty hard with emotional flashbacks.

 

[Hojay]

Maddy2012, this must be an incredibly hard and triggering situation for you. Let me say this, bipolar or not, gambler or not, some people remain fair, loving, and respectful despite their troubles, and some people do not. Those who do not we need to stay away from. I know it's easy to blame yourself (or his bipolar or gambling for that matter) for his "switching" behavior and poor treatment of you. However, nothing can CAUSE a person to be unkind other than his or her own beliefs and personality. (This forum is full of people with PTSD and other mental illness who would never turn unkind on their supporters + look at yourself, you're a sufferer and are trying your best!) What strikes me in particular about your story is the level of control he has over your relationship, deciding when you see each other, when you can have sex, and other things. That's alarming to me, and naturally quite an unsettling situation for you. First step here may be to call it by its name: controlling. And truly understanding for yourself that controlling behavior in relationships is essentially abusive. If you filter out all the reasons you may think you're responsible for his behavior, and look at his behavior for what it is, self-motivated, then it might be easier to weed out what is happening here.

You know, as people who grew up absorbing the blame for other people's bad behavior and taking too much responsibility for stuff that was not ours, sometimes our vision gets clouded by what the OTHER person may be feeling, thinking, or saying so much that we forget what WE feel and what WE need. He may not be hurting you on purpose, but if a conversation does not alert him to his misguided behavior and you can see some serious improvement, I'd consider setting better boundaries for yourself (e.g. I will walk away when I get yelled at, ignored, etc.; I will end this when xyz happens) and stick with them.

It sounds like you're going through a time of slowly waking up to the reality of what this relationship dynamic is and/or who he really is. That's ok. It takes time for those realities to unfold. So perhaps you can relax a bit in knowing that you are not dependent on this man, you can leave whenever you please, and that it's time to looking reality in the eye. You may have emotional problems with CPTSD, but your intuition and gut knowledge about right and wrong seems quite in tact. Trust it.

 

[Gs172003]

Thank you so mich for the comments.

I'' trying to figure out, what I want. I come from a very dysfun...

My therapist told me ( I'm quoting her all the danged time) that people in bad relationships tend to hold onto hope that they will change. You're right. Actions do speak louder than words and maybe you leaving will be the kick he needs to get his addiction under control if you get to that point.

 

[Maddy2012]

Yes, it's a really triggering situation for me. I don't understand, why he is behaving like this. I allways do my best towards others no matter, how bad I'm feeling. When he isn't feeling so well, he doesn't answer my texts, so I get really worried about him. He is diabetic too, and he is not taking care of it. He is eating really unhealthy and fatty food and drinking sodas with lots of sugar. When we are together, he eats mostly healthy, bc I eat healthy. I am a vegan, and I eat a lot og vegetables and other kinds of healthy food. He wants me to take care of him, and at the same time he sometimes think, that I'm a stupid bitch for not letting him eat unhealthy food, when we are together. He makes me feel so angry and sad at the same time.

One time we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks, he texted me the day before, I was going to visit him to ask for my help cleaning his house. I said yes to that, but at the same time I felt really angry. He didn't want to see me the week before, but I had to clean up his mess, and help him wash his clothes. When I visited him, he said that everything had been standing still since my last visit. I know, he proberly said that to make me feel good, bc he knows, I really wants to help people. He also said, that he had lost a lot weigh, bc I was there to cook food together with him. His helplesness makes me angry. I feel, he is trying to hold onto me by saying, that he can't function without me, but at the same time he doesn't want me around. He is sending mixed signals, and I'm getting really confused.

 

[Gs172003]

Yes, it's a really triggering situation for me. I don't understand, why he is behaving like this. I a...

You don't need a man that needs a mom. If hes self destructive you need to back off

 

[Maddy2012]

You don't need a man that needs a mom. If hes self destructive you need to back off

I can see your point. You are right. I need to back away and figure it out. I have this deep need to help other people, and he is taking advantage of me, and I feel used. I know with my way of acting, I'm kind of asking for it, but at the same time I can't understand, he is acting like this. I know, I'm naive, but I always want to think the best of others, so it's hard for me to judge other people, even though they are acting badly. I would never take advantage of others kindness towards me. I always try to give more, than I take from others.

He says to me several times, that he wants me to set boundaries towards him, but it's not my job to tell a grown up, how to act. I want to be around people, where I do not have to fight for myself all the time. I have been fighting for myself all my life, and I don't want to do that anymore, and especially not with the people, I have close to me.

 

[Hojay]

He says to me several times, that he wants me to set boundaries towards him, but it's not my job to tell a grown up, how to act.

You're right, it's not your job! However, boundaries are for YOU, not for teaching other people how to act. They are promises you make to yourself: "When he does xyz, I will absolutely walk away/call it off/etc." Back in the day, I put up boundaries in the hopes it would make the other person change - that never happened. When it came down to it I didn't have the guts to follow through on the CONSEQUENCES of a breached boundary, so they were basically no boundaries at all. I didn't respect myself enough to think they would matter, so why would anyone else. It took me a lot of "adulting" to arrive at the point of following up on what I said, and trust that I can stick up for myself in that way. It's totally worth it.

It does sound like he is taking advantage of you. Most people don't do this consciously. They do it because they can. It's hard to have to admit to one's self that someone may not be as kind, compassionate, and fair as we had hoped. That disappointment runs deep. However, it says everything about THEM, and nothing about you. Unless we stick around, basically telling them it's OK to treat us that way. That's on us, sadly, and not even something we can blame the other person for.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think he's using you. I don't think you're in a committed relationship.