Susan Jane
Silver Member
I have read, listened and heard so many times I am the only one who can regulate my life. When I was young this concept was so far from what I was able to digest, or understand. I was to in full panic mode and thought I was damaged and crazy...fast forward through years of therapy, tablets, begging, searching and turmoil and here I am confronted again at the age of 59. Will it end?
I was looking for the magic pill, that would end all my suffering. Today, I do use tablets as a base to continue. The tablets do not take my symptoms away, but I am still too scared to stop them. The symptoms always break through and I am once again in a place where I am reeling.
Yesterday I talked to a man who is a psychologist, but more a spiritual person. He told me to "let it be", my body was telling me I had to stop, and I needed to start listening. He said my functioning side was full and my creative side was low. I did it for 59 years, I functioned and I worked, and gave myself rules to follow so that I could cope. All the while I was functioning I had up and downs of how I could continue.
I am spent now, functioned myself out, without knowing what the other side of me actually liked to do. I never thought about what I liked to do. I was too busy functioning and scared of the future. I did not have anyone when I was young, I am an abandoned child, without any direction or support. It has run my life, and somehow I coped and functioned. I am here now, once again in the pit.
What if I said okay, accepted this fact? The fears of the future lie within everyone, every person feels these fears. It is more the extend of the fears that makes us act. What if we didn't act? what if we accepted the fact that the future is not here? That fear is a part of life? What if I accepted my state and let it be for now?
I could feel my disappointment as he spoke, I was looking for the magic pill, the magic solution to end all of this suffering. I wanted to yell at him and tell him he was at no help at all. I didn't yell, I kept listening to him.
We never spoke about my trauma roots, he didn't need to know, he said the path forward was accepting where I was and trying to start filling my other side, which was depleted and unable to speak, with things that made me happy. I told him I didn't know what that was, something that made me really happy. So we decided on content not happy.
I told him I like to sing, and I had a good voice, and he said why don't you sing? I said well, I used to and well the whole band thing was not for me. He said well them sing when you are at home, if that is where you are now, at home, not working. There were many things I could do at home until I felt strong enough to go back out into the world. I thought to myself really? How the hell is that going to help?
He gave me some ideas about gradually filling up my other side, the content side that was depleted. I needed to balance it with my functioning self. Functioning was winning and I was here where I am in crisis. He said that the crisis is my soul/body saying I needed change, and that was the way, not fighting and resisting it, take a small step even if only for 1 minute, of writing, singing or walking in the sunshine. The balcony would work if I could only sit outside. A small practice of yoga, or something similar, even if only for 1 minute. I was still disappointed, I wanted an end to this crisis, and now.
I realized that he was right, and the sentence I was resisting myself, I am responsible to heal this, not therapy, or gurus or tablets. I was disappointed and scared by his words, even though I knew he was speaking the truth.
Today I sat down and wrote this. It is a start. I am not regulated right now, but what if I just "let it be" and know that there will be an answer, as described in that song from the Beatles. I never understood that song until now. Maybe I will sing it everyday, it keeps popping in my head....and yes I still am scared...and I am trying to "let it be" and accept it.
I was looking for the magic pill, that would end all my suffering. Today, I do use tablets as a base to continue. The tablets do not take my symptoms away, but I am still too scared to stop them. The symptoms always break through and I am once again in a place where I am reeling.
Yesterday I talked to a man who is a psychologist, but more a spiritual person. He told me to "let it be", my body was telling me I had to stop, and I needed to start listening. He said my functioning side was full and my creative side was low. I did it for 59 years, I functioned and I worked, and gave myself rules to follow so that I could cope. All the while I was functioning I had up and downs of how I could continue.
I am spent now, functioned myself out, without knowing what the other side of me actually liked to do. I never thought about what I liked to do. I was too busy functioning and scared of the future. I did not have anyone when I was young, I am an abandoned child, without any direction or support. It has run my life, and somehow I coped and functioned. I am here now, once again in the pit.
What if I said okay, accepted this fact? The fears of the future lie within everyone, every person feels these fears. It is more the extend of the fears that makes us act. What if we didn't act? what if we accepted the fact that the future is not here? That fear is a part of life? What if I accepted my state and let it be for now?
I could feel my disappointment as he spoke, I was looking for the magic pill, the magic solution to end all of this suffering. I wanted to yell at him and tell him he was at no help at all. I didn't yell, I kept listening to him.
We never spoke about my trauma roots, he didn't need to know, he said the path forward was accepting where I was and trying to start filling my other side, which was depleted and unable to speak, with things that made me happy. I told him I didn't know what that was, something that made me really happy. So we decided on content not happy.
I told him I like to sing, and I had a good voice, and he said why don't you sing? I said well, I used to and well the whole band thing was not for me. He said well them sing when you are at home, if that is where you are now, at home, not working. There were many things I could do at home until I felt strong enough to go back out into the world. I thought to myself really? How the hell is that going to help?
He gave me some ideas about gradually filling up my other side, the content side that was depleted. I needed to balance it with my functioning self. Functioning was winning and I was here where I am in crisis. He said that the crisis is my soul/body saying I needed change, and that was the way, not fighting and resisting it, take a small step even if only for 1 minute, of writing, singing or walking in the sunshine. The balcony would work if I could only sit outside. A small practice of yoga, or something similar, even if only for 1 minute. I was still disappointed, I wanted an end to this crisis, and now.
I realized that he was right, and the sentence I was resisting myself, I am responsible to heal this, not therapy, or gurus or tablets. I was disappointed and scared by his words, even though I knew he was speaking the truth.
Today I sat down and wrote this. It is a start. I am not regulated right now, but what if I just "let it be" and know that there will be an answer, as described in that song from the Beatles. I never understood that song until now. Maybe I will sing it everyday, it keeps popping in my head....and yes I still am scared...and I am trying to "let it be" and accept it.
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