Finding the balance between the truth and what I wish would happen

[Susan Jane]

I have read, listened and heard so many times I am the only one who can regulate my life. When I was young this concept was so far from what I was able to digest, or understand. I was to in full panic mode and thought I was damaged and crazy...fast forward through years of therapy, tablets, begging, searching and turmoil and here I am confronted again at the age of 59. Will it end?

I was looking for the magic pill, that would end all my suffering. Today, I do use tablets as a base to continue. The tablets do not take my symptoms away, but I am still too scared to stop them. The symptoms always break through and I am once again in a place where I am reeling.

Yesterday I talked to a man who is a psychologist, but more a spiritual person. He told me to "let it be", my body was telling me I had to stop, and I needed to start listening. He said my functioning side was full and my creative side was low. I did it for 59 years, I functioned and I worked, and gave myself rules to follow so that I could cope. All the while I was functioning I had up and downs of how I could continue.

I am spent now, functioned myself out, without knowing what the other side of me actually liked to do. I never thought about what I liked to do. I was too busy functioning and scared of the future. I did not have anyone when I was young, I am an abandoned child, without any direction or support. It has run my life, and somehow I coped and functioned. I am here now, once again in the pit.

What if I said okay, accepted this fact? The fears of the future lie within everyone, every person feels these fears. It is more the extend of the fears that makes us act. What if we didn't act? what if we accepted the fact that the future is not here? That fear is a part of life? What if I accepted my state and let it be for now?

I could feel my disappointment as he spoke, I was looking for the magic pill, the magic solution to end all of this suffering. I wanted to yell at him and tell him he was at no help at all. I didn't yell, I kept listening to him.

We never spoke about my trauma roots, he didn't need to know, he said the path forward was accepting where I was and trying to start filling my other side, which was depleted and unable to speak, with things that made me happy. I told him I didn't know what that was, something that made me really happy. So we decided on content not happy.

I told him I like to sing, and I had a good voice, and he said why don't you sing? I said well, I used to and well the whole band thing was not for me. He said well them sing when you are at home, if that is where you are now, at home, not working. There were many things I could do at home until I felt strong enough to go back out into the world. I thought to myself really? How the hell is that going to help?

He gave me some ideas about gradually filling up my other side, the content side that was depleted. I needed to balance it with my functioning self. Functioning was winning and I was here where I am in crisis. He said that the crisis is my soul/body saying I needed change, and that was the way, not fighting and resisting it, take a small step even if only for 1 minute, of writing, singing or walking in the sunshine. The balcony would work if I could only sit outside. A small practice of yoga, or something similar, even if only for 1 minute. I was still disappointed, I wanted an end to this crisis, and now.

I realized that he was right, and the sentence I was resisting myself, I am responsible to heal this, not therapy, or gurus or tablets. I was disappointed and scared by his words, even though I knew he was speaking the truth.

Today I sat down and wrote this. It is a start. I am not regulated right now, but what if I just "let it be" and know that there will be an answer, as described in that song from the Beatles. I never understood that song until now. Maybe I will sing it everyday, it keeps popping in my head....and yes I still am scared...and I am trying to "let it be" and accept it.

 

[arfie]

i was introduced to "music therapy" in the 60's as a child with a speech defect. it used live instruments, including voice. the fact that we carry our voices with us does not make them the least complicated instrument in the orchestra. for my psycho nickel, listening is entirely too passive to make good therapy.

are you surprised that "let it be" is one of my more effective therapy songs. singing with you in the key of life, susan.

seeking words of wisdom, let it be. . . insert air piano jam here.

 

[Susan Jane]

i was introduced to "music therapy" in the 60's as a child with a speech defect. it used live instruments, including voice. the fact that we carry our voices with us does not make them the least complicated instrument in the orchestra. for my psycho nickel, listening is entirely too passive to make good therapy.

are you surprised that "let it be" is one of my more effective therapy songs. singing with you in the key of life, susan.

seeking words of wisdom, let it be. . . insert air piano jam here.

Thanks Arfie! I must have repeated that song 50 times on my walk that day. It popped into my head the day before I met that man for a talk. He told me everything in German so his words translated into the song in my head … there will be an answer… let it be . It has been joined with a meditive song … I am peace… peace is in me.. but that one triggers a bit! This daily head-jam . I am regulating myself 3 hours after waking up about 4 out of 7 days so hey that is progress Hoping your school visits with your foster-kids is … feeling at least manageable… Maybe you could sing to the teachers . That would be original…

 

[deno]

Your post is brutally honest. That feeling you described being spent from years of functioning, never knowing what you truly like because survival came first—that’s not failure; that’s strength. You had no roadmap. No structure. And yet you functioned at a high level into exhaustion...because that’s what kept you alive.

Now you’re being asked to stop resisting —and to feel, and yes, that’s terrifying. Because what if there’s nothing there? What if you're not strong enough, and you fail? Here’s the truth for you...that person who wrote this...you who sings on walks...you who feels disappointment and still shows up to tell the story. You are more than strong enough. The issue isn’t your capacity. It’s that you have never been given the chance to lead.

There’s no magic pill. But there is likely something better. There are moments of truth and breath. Moments where you sing, or write, or sit on the balcony—not because you’re supposed to…but because you’re finally allowed to feel.

 

[Susan Jane]

Your post is brutally honest. That feeling you described being spent from years of functioning, never knowing what you truly like because survival came first—that’s not failure; that’s strength. You had no roadmap. No structure. And yet you functioned at a high level into exhaustion...because that’s what kept you alive.

Now you’re being asked to stop resisting —and to feel, and yes, that’s terrifying. Because what if there’s nothing there? What if you're not strong enough, and you fail? Here’s the truth for you...that person who wrote this...you who sings on walks...you who feels disappointment and still shows up to tell the story. You are more than strong enough. The issue isn’t your capacity. It’s that you have never been given the chance to lead.

There’s no magic pill. But there is likely something better. There are moments of truth and breath. Moments where you sing, or write, or sit on the balcony—not because you’re supposed to…but because you’re finally allowed to feel.

First of all thank you Deno, your words mean a lot to me. Being spent is a challenge, and I am starting to also have better days, where I feel my light and hope back. The dark days well they are intense. The waiting to finally go back to sleep where I can shut my conscious mind off for a while. You are right it is terrifying, and I freeze. I still know that it will shift again and I can be stable enough to be, and deal, step by step. I am thinking about doing body and mind trauma therapy soon. I cannot handle anymore talk therapy, I know most of the things they tell me to practice. I need a move deeper to reach that place, the beginning of the trauma, layer by layer. She is trying to get out, surface and speak. Her worries and pain overwhelm me and leave me believing if I feel them I will end up beyond repair. So I am going to little by little let her closer, and hopefully it will bring me relief. Our thinking brain is tricky, and not following my thoughts but rather my body and soul.. may serve me on my way. Thank you again for your encouragement and reminder of the the strength I possess. . Susan

 

[deno]

Somatic trauma therapy is a beautiful gift to give yourself, not because it erases the past, but because it helps you finally live outside of it.

“She is trying to get out, surface and speak. Her worries and pain overwhelm me and leave me believing if I feel them I will end up beyond repair.” That is the heart of trauma.

You’re right: this is no longer a time for more strategies or cognitive loops. This is a time to go deeper. I used talk therapy as a platform—a place to name things, sort them, get my footing. But it wasn’t the answer to everything. It was the starting point, not the destination.

At some point, the mind can only take us so far. The rest...the deep release, the real integration has to come from the body. That’s where the trauma lives. That’s where it waits to be heard. So now it’s time for something else. Not because the talking was wrong, but because you’ve gone as far as talking can take you. Now, it’s time to feel. To move. To breathe. To let her speak and I believe you’re ready.

 

[deno]

Your post stirred the pot. My life feels like the Matrix. I was born into a system that taught me to see the world through lies...and when finally unplugged from that system, the truth was so overwhelming...it felt like another illusion. I didn't fall into the Matrix; I was born into it.

 

[Susan Jane]

Your post stirred the pot. My life feels like the Matrix. I was born into a system that taught me to see the world through lies...and when finally unplugged from that system, the truth was so overwhelming...it felt like another illusion. I didn't fall into the Matrix; I was born into it.

Somatic trauma therapy is a beautiful gift to give yourself, not because it erases the past, but because it helps you finally live outside of it.

“She is trying to get out, surface and speak. Her worries and pain overwhelm me and leave me believing if I feel them I will end up beyond repair.” That is the heart of trauma.

You’re right: this is no longer a time for more strategies or cognitive loops. This is a time to go deeper. I used talk therapy as a platform—a place to name things, sort them, get my footing. But it wasn’t the answer to everything. It was the starting point, not the destination.

At some point, the mind can only take us so far. The rest...the deep release, the real integration has to come from the body. That’s where the trauma lives. That’s where it waits to be heard. So now it’s time for something else. Not because the talking was wrong, but because you’ve gone as far as talking can take you. Now, it’s time to feel. To move. To breathe. To let her speak and I believe you’re ready.

I am going to try

Your post stirred the pot. My life feels like the Matrix. I was born into a system that taught me to see the world through lies...and when finally unplugged from that system, the truth was so overwhelming...it felt like another illusion. I didn't fall into the Matrix; I was born into it.

I hope that doesn’t mean I upset you. I am able to express myself very honestly and I do not do it often, as most people would not understand. I felt comfortable saying it to you, here, because well your posts are very honest and clear. Please let me know… if this is not okay in the future.

 

[deno]

Quite the opposite. Your honesty didn’t feel invasive...it felt real. And I know how rare it is to be able to speak from that place without fear of being misunderstood or shut down. I’m not here for surface talk. I’ve lived too much life, and I’ve been through too much to pretend otherwise. So yes, say what’s real.

I won’t always relate to every experience, but I will respect it. And the fact that you felt comfortable enough to share it...that means something. So, no need to walk on eggshells with me. If anything, I appreciate that you speak from where it hurts rather than where it’s polished. Keep being you.

 

[Susan Jane]

Quite the opposite. Your honesty didn’t feel invasive...it felt real. And I know how rare it is to be able to speak from that place without fear of being misunderstood or shut down. I’m not here for surface talk. I’ve lived too much life, and I’ve been through too much to pretend otherwise. So yes, say what’s real.

I won’t always relate to every experience, but I will respect it. And the fact that you felt comfortable enough to share it...that means something. So, no need to walk on eggshells with me. If anything, I appreciate that you speak from where it hurts rather than where it’s polished. Keep being you.

That is so good to read, I go into guilt mode when I feel I might have said something to upset anyone. That is something I struggle with, never upset anyone because hurt is unbearable and I wouldn’t want to be the cause. I think I learned that from a very young age, from my mother. I am not angry at her, I think the more I understand myself, the more I can forgive her abandonment of me. I learned compassion in the last 4 years … real compassion. Forgiving my parents has been a long journey but helpful. It doesn’t mean I am okay with them leaving me as a helpless child in a scary world. It means I can have compassion for them. I had a great therapist who helped me with that. What they did was awful, abandoning me, but I just realized my father was 24 when I was born, and my son is that age. Yes, both of my parents had the chance to grow up and cop up to their shortcomings, but they never did. I would not want to have lived that way, in denial and leave the planet without being able to see, so I feel compassion because it helps ME. The aftermaths of their decisions have affected me to the core. Being resentful and angry does not help me grow and serves no purpose. That said when I am in the thickest depth of my demons, I can feel hate for them for a time, but then I remind myself that those feelings do not move me forward, but keep me stuck in the past. I want to move forward. Thank you Deno for being respectful and insightful. It is hard to find people who just listen, really hear and let me be myself without telling me how to feel. I am learning maybe I am not so bad after all. You are a gem, so glad to have this chance to exchange something real, without being afraid. .

 

[deno]

I can feel how much you’ve had to carry alone, young, and without explanation. It’s no small thing to reach a point where you can hold compassion without erasing the pain. That’s a kind of forgiveness that’s not about excusing, but about choosing freedom...choosing you. And no, you didn’t upset me. You reminded me of how hard it is to speak from the places we used to hide. That takes courage and it deserves respect.

You said something that really struck me: “I am learning maybe I am not so bad after all.” You’re not. You’re real. You’re reflective. And your willingness to explore the pain without losing your heart is proof of how far you’ve come.

I’m glad we’ve crossed paths. These conversations are the ones that matter. Please don’t filter yourself with me. I’ve lived enough life to know that the truth—spoken honestly—is never the enemy.

 

[Susan Jane]

I can feel how much you’ve had to carry alone, young, and without explanation. It’s no small thing to reach a point where you can hold compassion without erasing the pain. That’s a kind of forgiveness that’s not about excusing, but about choosing freedom...choosing you. And no, you didn’t upset me. You reminded me of how hard it is to speak from the places we used to hide. That takes courage and it deserves respect.

You said something that really struck me: “I am learning maybe I am not so bad after all.” You’re not. You’re real. You’re reflective. And your willingness to explore the pain without losing your heart is proof of how far you’ve come.

I’m glad we’ve crossed paths. These conversations are the ones that matter. Please don’t filter yourself with me. I’ve lived enough life to know that the truth—spoken honestly—is never the enemy.

Thank you Deno, I have carried way too much, like most people here. True too, compassion give me more freedom, I am so tired of being angry and asking why. Actually lately, I have started to feel things for real, just everyday stuff. At the moment I can do it without freaking. I push myself to walk outside when I cannot tolerate the feeling, and become afraid. These conversations really matter, it makes me feel real and heard. I am lucky to have a few people who support me, not with the understanding your words bring, but they are there for me nevertheless. I am glad we crossed paths as well.