Is It Wrong To Want Him To Understand & Accept Me?

[Justmehere]

One thing that might help, is to consider if one of your kids came to you when they were an adult, and told them they needed and wanted the same things you need and want and relationship, would you tell your kids that they were just being a princess? Or what if a friend came to you and said this is what I need and want in a relationship, would you tell them that they should be ashamed of their needs?

My guess is that you would not do so, and I would like to encourage you that you shouldn't hold yourself to a different standard you would hold anyone else to.

Frankly, the relationship between you and him sounds a bit toxic, and like there is a bit of passive aggressive emotional guilt tripping on his side, in addition to his codependent ways of relating.

It's time to reach out and build healthy relationships other places, so that more of your needs are met, and you are better able to navigate a path towards a better future.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I think you need to get clear with yourself about what you need and want in the relationship. You're...

He is getting mixed messages from me. I call him my fiance because the wedding is still planned and being paid for and I broke up with him and asked him to leave but he has refused to do so. I say we are done and he goes on as if things are the same. If I never say anything again he won't either. He only responds if everyday I remind him we are done, we are done, we are done. My silence encourages him to keep trying.

 

[henamedmeowl]

One thing that might help, is to consider if one of your kids came to you when they were an adult,...

I do. I feel like for other people that is a standard they should hold. But for someone that is broken I am not so sure. it's like can you ask for things that maybe your brokenness does not allow you to give?

 

[Tinyflame]

Wise advice @Justmehere .

 

[Tinyflame]

But for someone that is broken I am not so sure.

I get that.

:hug:

 

[Friday]

mean that he falls apart, starts crying, gets angry, this in turn gets me to not open up at all to close myself off which makes him more comfortable.

This is what I mean about having a finite amount of time I can deal with certain things and be fine. You're seeing both of your limits, there. When he reaches his limits (whatever they are) he starts falling apart, crying, & getting angry. When you reach your limits you pull back and quit sharing things with him. And because you're both hitting your limits in the same space? It's creating this self perpetuating cycle. That's one of those things marriage counseling can often either untangle (so that neither of you are hitting your limits), or pronounce dead on the scene (irreconcilable differences).

 

[henamedmeowl]

This is what I mean about having a finite amount of time I can deal with certain things and be fine. You...

You said that so well, thank you for that. It took a while for me to get to that point...its a conditioned response...him yelling and screaming and crying is enough to make me choose silence. I could have fought back though but I chose not to because of the kids. I am just going to go into counseling next week with an open mind. Again if I were without children I would leave but I can't do that. So I am going to try and listen to what the therapist has to say.

 

[Justmehere]

I do. I feel like for other people that is a standard they should hold. But for someone that is broken I am not so sure. it's like can you ask for things that maybe your brokenness does not allow you to give?

Here is an important thing to learn: everyone is broken. Everyone is fighting a battle. Everyone has flaws.

There is no actual reality that some people are not broken and others are.

If you can't offer support for him in the relationship, then you can offer support. That's ok, it is what it is. He can't offer support for you right now either, it is what it is.

Just because you can't support his needs, and he can't support your needs, it doesn't make your needs a shameful horrible wrong thing.

Let me give you an example. I can't drive because of a health issue. I often have to ask other people for a ride. I can't ever give them a ride. Does that mean I should never ask anybody else for help with this need?

Of course not.

It's also true that people tend to go through seasons of life where our ability to give support is more limited. Sometimes people are able to give me a ride, and other times they can't because their schedules are too busy. Doesn't mean that I'm wrong forever asking for a ride? Nope doesn't mean that they are wrong for not being able to give me a ride? No

This is true for emotional needs too.

I have dealt a large support network for this so that when somebody else is an able to meet my need, I have other people I could call. This helps me to not feel ashamed about my "brokenness" that prevents me from being able to drive.

Also, just because I can't give somebody else a ride doesn't mean I don't support other people when I can. Sometimes I can offer support for other people. I'm times I can hang out with them when they are having a difficult day, connect them to resources, make them dinner. Some days I can't do any of those things. It doesn't mean my needs are wrong or shameful just because I can't meet others needs. Ideally, other people would have other people in their life that they could rely on too.

Everyone has limits, it doesn't make our needs bad or wrong or too much just because somebody else can't meet them. We also all have times or we can't provide support other people, and with young kids and school and everything else, it makes sense that you wouldn't have much to give to anyone else at the end of the day.

Does this make any sense?

 

[Tinyflame]

Everyone has limits, it doesn't make our needs bad or wrong or too much just because somebody else can't meet them. We also all have times or we can't provide support other people, and with young kids and school and everything else, it makes sense that you wouldn't have much to give to anyone else at the end of the day.

It does. But @Justmehere within the context of relationships that can only carry on finitely before it's over.

 

[henamedmeowl]

Here is an important thing to learn: everyone is broken. Everyone is fighting a battle. Everyone...

It makes a lot of sense. I should be honest here that I actually according to him meet his needs and make him really happy except on a physical level. Everyone is pretty happy unless I am in need everything is pretty much fine. We have a pretty great life it's just that I want things that he tries to give me like through holding me, touching me, buying me things, and that just doesn't work for me. So I push for emotional or mental closeness and he can't handle it. I guess I see two options for myself. 1) Move forward with him knowing that I will not get the connection I want to badly or 2) Being free to be myself without him. I guess I don't understand the point at least for me of going outside of the relationship for a connection if I do then I will surely love that man and want to be with him...what I want is limited to what you receive in a romantic relationship everything else I get elsewhere. We need counseling so I am really happy that I shared this here and got a lot of information and understanding...I do send mixed messages, there is co-dependency, I do feel shame/guilt, there are limits to what we can give each other.

 

[EveHarrington]

Well at this point you're letting your abusers win.

They told you that you were worthless through the abuse.

And now you are agreeing with them by passively staying in an abusive relationship.

I really don't think it's a good idea to settle down with the first guy you meet. The chances of meeting a compatible mate on the very first try are practically zero. Yet codependency on both ends is keeping you with him.

I'm kind of shocked that you keep on moving forward with wedding plans. I get the feeling that you don't actually make choices in your life and just take whatever is handed to you.

 

[henamedmeowl]

Well at this point you're letting your abusers win.

They told you that you were worthless throu...

I don't really like the way you wrote your post. It was abrasive and not really helpful. I didn't say he was the first guy I met, I also didn't say how long we have been together or that I am passively being with him, it's a choice and it's willful.

About the wedding. It's practically paid for. It doesn't mean I am going to do it. But it is about 13 months away.