Is It Wrong To Want Him To Understand & Accept Me?

[Powder]

I feel my husband and I are struggling, too. When life is handing us what appears to be stress-free times, things go smoothly. When there is financial pressure, I unravel and he feels less able to be in his role, too.

I hope you find a way to either make the current relationship much more comforting or a different arrangement. As you have kids, you will always have something in common or some kind of "relationship" through them, so if you can figure out things, whatever you decide that would look like, in a positive way for all, that's good.

Sounds like he wants you to not change. Maybe therapy is allowing you to grow and he is not in a growth cycle, so it's off balance.

 

[henamedmeowl]

Divorce is much more expensive than canceling a wedding so if the expense of canceling it is the onl...

Read the book together...we are living separate but see each other daily do to work schedules and kids. I feel like I have a support network. I feel like I have done all the things I could possible do in terms of things I have control over, myself, friendships, faith, finances, personal development. I think there is some push pull though because I am in between or floundering between being with him and not.

Are you saying that my abusers win because I am staying with someone that does not meet my needs? I feel like I am having a hard time pulling that apart.

 

[Powder]

Beginning to challenge some of these thoughts will help you find solutions that may help you feel better in the long run.

This is great advice. I call it "I don't have to decide today".

Another trauma survivor with a different anxiety disorder (not PTSD but with overlapping symptoms) and I were comparing notes on the fact that we tend to not only Black/White think, but in so doing, Panic, and in so doing, feel like there is No Time or Emotional resources to consider those gray areas.

It's hard to see the gray when you are in a panic. It takes the ability to slow down first. Say, I've been here before and I will again, so I'll just slow down. I don't have to decide today. I can wait until I am calm and then I can see what other options...and having a supporter or therapist to help brainstorm takes the pressure off of your survivor brain.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I feel my husband and I are struggling, too. When life is handing us what appears to be stress-free times,...

I feel like everyone struggles it's sort of part of life. I also feel like I am trying to work through this with cptsd and disassociation and so many assumptions, stereotypes, and generalizations come with that. I unravel too but only when something serious is happening not stress but for example when my mother died, or when the person was released from prison, or when I found it this person kept another girl. Like in those instances I struggled and unraveled. He was not able to help..I sort of had to shove it down and keep going. Now, I'm stalling and I'm tired. Maybe you're right I do sense sometimes that he feels left behind.

 

[Justmehere]

I'd like to change you with a question: what are you doing well?

You describe so much that you are struggling with and put down yourself and your needs so much.

From what you have written I can tell you are a bright woman who loves her family dearly and in the middle of a lot of stressors, is working hard to make the right decisions.

You deserve huge kudos for that. :hug:

The abusers win comment isn't meant in a way to say you are at fault for them and I really can't say if you should stay with him or leave him.

It does seem clear that you have internalized the messages from your abusers and you are in agreement with them that your needs are something to be ashamed about. Abusive people want us to believe that our needs do not matter.

Sometimes the first step in changing a pattern it's just to begin to disagree with them. And some of what you write, I see that you are beginning to do that.

You are not as much of a "broken" person as you think you are. You are a pretty amazing woman Who has been through hell and back, and who is struggling to figure out how to connect.

You don't have anything to feel ashamed about. It's so easy to say that, and I know it's so hard to take in and feel like it's true. My heart goes out to you.

 

[henamedmeowl]

I'd also like to point out that like many trauma survivors, you have a tendency to describe things a...

I said that because of the cost of living. I can't live on my own and stay here I would have to go home...but I do understand black/white thinking. I will bring that up with my therapist.

 

[Justmehere]

Is he at all interested in counseling for himself or as a couple?

 

[henamedmeowl]

What I am doing well:

School
parenting
not killing myself
following my dreams
staying hopeful
taking care of my body
developing and deepening friendships and relationships with family
seeing where he ends and I begin

my trauma and captivity shattered me the fact that I get up every day shows I am doing well to me
i don't feel like its the messages that were given to me by the person that kept is what keeps me down..i feel like its the shattering itself that can result from trauma..but maybe I am wrong will bring up too...my list keeps getting longer that i need to talk to my therapist about next week

 

[henamedmeowl]

Is he at all interested in counseling for himself or as a couple?

he goes to individual too...we both do but he wants to stop seeing women therapists he feels they keep mothering him so he may switch soon

 

[henamedmeowl]

I am going away for the weekend...I need to pack and get on the road...I want to say even though I was a bit touchy and I apologize for that I really appreciate everything said here and will think about all weekend. While I study, learn to surf, and do things that feel freeing :-) I really mean that I will bring these things up in my own therapy including the comment about letting abusers win and how it made me feel and the things said about my relationship. I want my relationship to work I want for my family to stay intact. That is my primary goal.

Thanks

 

[Powder]

All good things. Your plans and statements sound strong and healthy to me.

One question:

Does the idea of marriage strike you perhaps as subconsciously entrapping and therefore triggering? And has the setting of a date caused additional symptoms, worry, and uncertainty? If so, that should be addressed soon.

 

[Justmehere]

I hope you enjoy your trip!!! I heart surfing...

You are doing so much that is wonderful and good. You taking many great steps to sort this out and it's excellent that he is in counseling too. I think there is considerable room for a lot of hope in all of this.

Keep in mind that if anything said on the interwebs isn't helpful, just disregard, and go with what you (and your therapist) figure out is right for you and your family most of all. :hug: