Why Feel Someone Else's Sadness?

[DogwoodTree]

When you've shared a piece of your story with someone, what effect does it have on you for that person to tell you they feel really sad for what happened to you, or angry, or "my heart is breaking for you", or whatever?

I guess due to my asperger's, I used to think people were making it up when they said things like that. Like, "why would you feel sad if it didn't happen to you?" or "what good does it do to be angry at the guy now, when you don't know him and you'll never meet him and he's not part of my life anymore?"

But I do feel sadness when hearing other people's sad stories, especially if it's kinda similar to something that's happened to me. Like, I never could relate well at all to moms who lost a baby to a miscarriage...until I had one. And then I knew. Then I could connect the news of their loss to the pain of my losses, and I can feel very, very sad for them. However, I rarely tell the person that I feel sad for them, because I still don't see what it accomplishes to be sad (or angry or whatever) for someone else's story. It doesn't seem like it would help to put my emotions into the mix when they are the ones the things happened to. Shouldn't their emotions be the focus, not mine?

On a cognitive level, I get that it's supposed to help validate their emotions or something...help them not feel so alone. But it doesn't do that for me. So when my friend tells me she's sad for something that happened to me in the past...I just feel confused because it doesn't make sense. Maybe she can connect the news of my experience to a similar experience of her own and feel those feelings again, but what difference does it make to tell me that? I don't want her to feel sad or angry or afraid for something that happened to me in the past. I don't want those things to hurt her. But I don't know what a better response would be, either. Maybe just her holding space for my own emotions? I don't know.

 

[Tinyflame]

Why? @DogwoodTree ? Well, one reason is that people want to connect emotionally. Many people also guage the depth & quality of their relationships based in great part, on grounds of acceptance & trust, not many people will disclose without regret (twice, anyway) to someone they think is emotionless, hard, phony, or a 'cold-fish' (insensitive). Additionaly, caring requires feeling for the other person, if you don't feel much the depth of caring is reduced. Emotion motivates actions, and actions mean the most. I would guess if someone indicates they don't feel much, there's a good chance they won't feel much about what happens to you in the present or future, either.

For most people, having their feelings taken in to account is a big deal to them.

If you cared about someone, would you be affected by what affected them?

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't have a choice. I suspect others are the same. If I care for someone, I can take on their pain, happiness, etc. It just happens and isn't something I decide to do. It just is.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes what Junebug said. Empathy for another's experiences (good and bad) are important in relationships.

It is kind of like listening to a person who tells and joke and laughing at the joke with them. It is bonding because one is sharing a similar emotion.

 

[scout86]

My reaction is pretty much like yours. Kind of like "What am I supposed to do about THIS?!" I hadn't really thought about what that might mean until I read your post.

I don't have a lot of problem feeling some kind of empathy/concern for people I like. People I don't like? I might be a bit challenged in the empathy department. But it really bothers me to have someone else say that something in my life makes them feel sad. (My T does that sometimes & I've kind of decided that's him, messing with me, just to see what's going to happen.)

But, thinking about this, my mom had a few issues. I sort of grew up thinking her feelings were potentially dangerous (probably accurate, at least early on) and that I was responsible for dealing with them. (SHE wasn't going to deal with them.....) So, I can see how someone else feeling something negative might have settled in as a 'bad' thing and something to be avoided at all costs. And that might make this a more complicated thing that it would have been otherwise.

It doesn't seem like it would help to put my emotions into the mix when they are the ones the things happened to. Shouldn't their emotions be the focus, not mine?

I totally get that and that's kind of the way I look at it too.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Empathy is a damn good thing and a damn curse at the same time I suppose as I take on everyone's pain a lot of the time. Lately on here I've been able to stand back a bit and say to myself "ok, they are hurting (or fill in the blank) right now and needs some rational support" but other times my heart aches with them and for them.

I've been known to take in other's pain too much and allow it to effect me. I'm learning how to adjust that or let it be there's but still feel for them.

And "other's" are people I don't know. Like on here.

In any case, it's a human thing and if you lacked empathy you'd be a psyco/sociopath or someone like that that lacked all abilty to feel for someone else.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I sort of grew up thinking her feelings were potentially dangerous (probably accurate, at least early on) and that I was responsible for dealing with them. (SHE wasn't going to deal with them.....) So, I can see how someone else feeling something negative might have settled in as a 'bad' thing

Yes, I think this is a big part of it. I grew up surrounded by people who couldn't handle their own negative emotions. And so it was crucial to not do anything that could create additional negative emotions for them. I had to protect them from having negative emotions as much as possible.

So like, when I had a miscarriage a few years ago, my mom was about to leave the country for a trip. She offered to stay home, but I really wanted her to go ahead on her trip so she wouldn't be around as I worked through my grief. I didn't want to hurt her with the pain I was facing. I couldn't stand the thought of her seeing me cry. I could visualize the pained look on her face she would have in response, and the desperate need to fix it for her and protect her from the darkness inside of me during that time, and I couldn't hold the weight of that responsibility just then.

one reason is that people want to connect emotionally

This is something I didn't experience growing up, though. People wanted to have their emotions be the focus of the relationship, but they never wanted mine to show up at all. They weren't looking for connection...they were looking for pity and rescue. They didn't know how to hold anxiety or fear or sadness or anger, and so I had to hold all of that for them.

caring requires feeling for the other person, if you don't feel much the depth of caring is reduced

I definitely care for other people. But my understanding of expressing this care was to keep my emotions out of the way so that their emotions could run the show. I don't know why I thought it was okay to be a one-way street like that. I think I always thought that "sometime in the future" it would be my turn, but that time never came.

It's revelatory for me to realize that both people's emotions can exist in the relationship at the same time. I really thought one person had to disappear in order for the other person to exist.

If you cared about someone, would you be affected by what affected them?

I'm deeply affected by what affects other people (for issues that I've figured out anyway...there are some issues that don't make sense to me, and so they don't really affect me much). But...I thought I was supposed to show my care for them by taking on their sadness (or whatever other emotion) without my own emotions existing at all. And because I know how much work this can be, I didn't want to put that same kind of burden on other people, so I always tried to keep my own problems within myself and not dump them on anyone.

Now, as I'm learning to share my emotions a teensy bit more...and people respond with "That makes me really sad for you" or whatever...it feels foreign and pointless and even selfish and dysfunctional. I don't want other people to have to carry my burdens. I don't want to bother people with the junk inside of me. It seems of utmost importance to not burden other people with my feelings. I have a really hard time understanding why anyone would want to feel emotions in response to my struggles.

 

[scout86]

It's revelatory for me to realize that both people's emotions can exist in the relationship at the same time. I really thought one person had to disappear in order for the other person to exist.

That statement kind of stopped me in my tracks. That seems pretty important and I guess, maybe, it IS true. It's also, maybe, and indicator of whether or not a relationship is ok. If the other party insists that your feelings need to disappear in the relationship, it's not a healthy relationship. (?)