How do you not take on other's "stuff".

[lostforgottensoul]

I read a lot here about people's feeling, thoughts, issues, etc are theirs or about them and not yours or about you. But what someone says or thinks or feels, feels directed at me (regardless if it is or not) it is very hard to allow their stuff be their stuff and not bring it into being my stuff and not allow it to affect me.

I completely get the concept but I am having a very hard time doing it.

Like when someone says "don't take it personal", it's hard not to when it feels personal. Or even if they didn't say that.

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense or asking this the right way. It happens a lot and I know it's about me but I don't know how to change it.

Can anyone help with this one? How did you start letting other people's junk stay other people's junk and not become your junk too? I am sure it takes practice but how did you start to practice?

 

[Rani G2]

@lostforgottensoul

Can you explain in detail? Is it also about not letting others projection on you not make you hurt? For an example?! Creating an emotional protective barrier is something many of us probably have to learn as our boundaries have been constantly crossed leaving us delicate and vulnerable.

I had to learn imaginative techniques, and body work. My T asked me to choose two characters, that I admire the most. Anyone, even a television character it doesnt matter. When I was suppose to confront myself with people who were apparently difficult, lets say, they triggered me massively, I was asked to imagine those two strong characters standing behind me. This might sound silly, but when I feel threatend I try to imagine these two people standing next to me or behind me.

There are other meditation techniques one can learn to set boundaries emotionally. I personally find images are more helpful to get access to our emotional setups.

I dont know if this helps.

 

[Friday]

I'm pretty visual... So the first thing that ever helped me was "their side of the street". They're responsible for their side of the street, I'm responsible for my side of the street. Yep. Might be the same street. Might be I'm driving on it, same as they are. Might be a little bit of combat driving from time to time :whistling: BUT their side of the street is theirs. Mine is mine. Even though I can SEE it? Doesn't mean it's my responsibility.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul That issue took me a very long time to come to terms with. I now file it under the heading of I just don't give a shit. There are just things that I can't/won't let myself get too involved with when it comes to emotional shit. It falls under the same category as someone that doesn't like me, or what I've said. Tough shit, ain't my problem... just have way to much other shit to worry about, and something's I just had to let go of...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My T asked me to choose two characters, that I admire the most. Anyone, even a television character it doesnt matter. When I was suppose to confront myself with people who were apparently difficult, lets say, they triggered me massively, I was asked to imagine those two strong characters standing behind me. This might sound silly, but when I feel threatend I try to imagine these two people standing next to me or behind me.

That's a cool idea. Like if I don't feel safe like they are protecting me or something.

So the first thing that ever helped me was "their side of the street". They're responsible for their side of the street, I'm responsible for my side of the street. Yep. Might be the same street. Might be I'm driving on it, same as they are. Might be a little bit of combat driving from time to time :whistling: BUT their side of the street is theirs. Mine is mine. Even though I can SEE it? Doesn't mean it's my responsibility.

I LOVE that! Two sides of one street and I can visualize that. That's awesome! Thanks!

I just don't give a shit.

I do try to not give a shit and some what ive been able to do that. Like push it away as it's not mine but it seems i only can do it only so much or so long. Or i actually give a shit but pretend i dont or try not to.

I have on my fridge what my therapist wrote on the back of a business card: "What ever anyone thinks is none of my business". And i do try to live that way but its just very hard im finding. Its hard to not give a shit and to not pull it into me, you know?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul You therapist is very smart, as was mine. He too, used to tell me that all the time. It's true, what someone else thinks of us, or says about us, isn't our business. Everyone has their opinion...

Maybe you should make that your mantra when something comes up that you start taking on others shit. Or, "It's not mine so it's not my problem.

I just don't give a shit, is mine!!!! LOL!!!!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You therapist is very smart

Yes, that he is!

"It's not mine so it's not my problem.

It's hard but I try. I think it relates to "I'm bad" which I am still dealing with and abandonment issue. And the "everyone hates me" way of thinking.

I think its a lot of things that need working on so maybe thats why its so hard.

This happens with my family too and thats what my therapist wrote that for, my family. I can't stand people disliking me but i did get to a point of "i dont give a shit" with my family. I had to back away from and get out of the drama to do it. It took a long while but i got there with them.

So maybe backing away from it and imagine the two sides of the street thing until i get to the "i dont give a shit part".

I wish i knew exactly how i did it with my family but I dont. It just happened over a long period of time while i was backing away.

** Sigh **

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul You know sometimes when we don't have much invested in the relationship it's a whole lot easier to say, "I don't give a shit." But, when it's family, it's different. It took me so many yrs to finally do it with my family, and then even longer with my own kid.

It also depends on your "shit meter" too. How much shit you can take, before you say, "I don't give a shit." Were all different, and whatever works for you, then you do it. It ain't, one shoe fits all with PTSD.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@She Cat, the situation im having issue with isn't family but my family did produce a while lot more drama so i think my shit meter for what i will take until i don't give a shit is too high.

Haha, this is making me laugh.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@lostforgottensoul im sitting here giggling my ass. The neighbors are going to start thinking I'm NUTS.... OH yeah, they already know that. My shit meter says, I don't give a shit either......

 

[lostforgottensoul]

im sitting here giggling my ass. The neighbors are going to start thinking I'm NUTS

I was laughing and walked into the mens bathroom at work on accident. It was on the other side of the building and they are reversed. No walls between the urinals, thank god it was empty or i would have gotten a free show! :roflmao:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But seriously, it is hard to stop caring what others think of me. Most especially if it isn't true. I don't know why I care so much. My self esteem is attached on what others think. I know that and told my therapist that, just have no idea how to detatch it, you know?