Pushing To Disclose

[katz]

Ugh same boat with husband. My only defense is that I really didn't remember most stuff until I was abou...

I can understand the part about not wanting to rock the boat. I don't want to be the cause of a break up. I feel guilty enough just having this many problems that I brought into the marriage.
I understand that everyone brings "old baggage " to a relationship, I just feel terrible that mine affects us in such an important place in our relationship.

I find myself just thinking of what I want to say instead of saying it out loud. I think that this is a learned habit from childhood. Because I don't want to start a .... loud argument or even discussion.

 

[Lotis]

Some times I feel so guilty that it makes me cry. I wish so much that I could have a "normal" sex life with my husband. (At least one that is ok with him.)

Please understand when I say this to you; I can completely understand this and know what/how you feel. You have taken the words right from my mouth.
I have been married for 8 years and wonder why my husband stays. Sometimes I feel like he is waiting for me to end our marriage so he isn't the one that walks away. Sometimes I feel like I should walk away to free him of me but I couldn't do that; we have a family together.
I honestly believe he is afraid to really know and understand my issues. He has always known I about my "intimacy" issues as he calls it...he's known prior to our marriage. I also feel like he doesn't want to address my issues because he is waiting for me to get over it or waiting for some miracle therapist to come along and "fix me". I know he loves me but I also know that if he knows what happened to me it would change everything. It makes me so mad because if it weren't for the sex our relationship would be so much better. I am so angry with sex and all of the complications it brings for me!

....we have so many "factors" to look at, that at times, it is tiring. From alcoholic families, to cheating ex-spouses, to families of denial.

Yes - I understand this all too well. My husband is a recovering alcoholic as well as bipolar...we have so many factors. He refuses to do couples therapy to better our relationship. I wish he wasn't so stubborn and I wish he didn't think that issues would solve themselves. If he just said let's do therapy and it was the right environment things would come out and we could start to deal with all of this!

I am sorry about losing your last partner. I understand how afraid you must be about being alone. I am as well. Do you think that he is good for you? I hear you say that there is something about you that may be the problem but what about him? I know my husband is not perfect so just wondering how you feel.

~L

 

[katz]

Please understand when I say this to you; I can completely understand this and know what/how you feel. Yo...

Thank you so much for your response Lotis. I understand what you mean about it all being me. I'm trying to come up with a way to tell him how much he also plays into the situation with us.

Growing up in an alcoholic family, with an alcoholic father. He learned how to deal with problems by avoiding them. He also has a past that causes us a lot of trust issues. His first wife cheated on him. So, he also has a trust issue with me. No matter how many times I tell him--for over 10 years-he won't believe me. (Kind of funny that he can't tie the sex problem to my "not cheating" issue.)

I also have heard various stories - from him - about how he reacted to his first wife's cheating when he found out. He went to the house and destroyed her car. Hearing these types of stories does not make me want to address some of these issues, much yet trust him to be gentle to me in the bedroom.

I knew that he had drank before we married. He had quit on his own before we met. After 2 years of dating and then living together, I decided that he would be ok about the "not drinking". I don't ever drink. (It doesn't go with my meds-LOL)

I have learned / realized that all the things we had in common as we were dating were because of the fact that we both grew up in similar dysfunctional families. From the sexual abuse in my family to the alcoholic in his family. No wonder we understood each other so well when we met. But now, we're both dealing with the repercussions of our past. I know that we all have our baggage that we bring to any relationship, but I'm not sure what I can do with mine, or how to handle his. So, I'm very confused these days.