Do You Censor Your Journal?

[Leisel]

Yesterday I told someone something I have never admitted to anyone or written or anything and I was journaling about my day and went to write it down but I couldn't. I didn't even want to write something related to it. When I'm journaling, I don't feel like it's private. I fear that someone who has hurt me but doesn't realize it will find my journal, read it, and be hurt by it, or that the police will somehow find it, read it, and get involved.
Do you ever have the same problems with writing?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do you ever have the same problems with writing?

100% My therapist had wanted me to write out my entire trauma from start to finish and i couldn't. I never could keep a written journal. But, I was "all in" here and just threw up my past in one gulp and don't and won't censor myself here. I refuse to. Because then I feel like someone is baring down on me again.

But i still, today can't write it. I can't put anything on pen and paper today because of that same fear. Which sucks because it makes it super hard to back up off the site and take a break when i need to. I had to find a second site, which im never one unless im taking a break from here, in order to be able to back up when needed.

All of my journals during my trauma were found and I was severely punished. Severely! So i think its about that.

A good way to start, I think, is slowly and write things that are no big deal. Start with one sentence if needed and then two the next day then three or several. Then when you can write 'no big deal' stuff, move to big deal stuff but also slowly.

The DBT workbook I have was the first i wrote anything down. Its a workbook, you have to write. So that helped.

 

[Renee123]

I definitely do.

 

[Suzetig]

I do, it can take me a long time to write something that is uncensored because I'm constantly fighting the urge to gloss over, tell myself it wasn't so bad etc. I don't really do uncensored anywhere tbh, I'm very used to checking myself and what I want to say before I do it and it's a fight to get past that instinct.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I'm constantly fighting the urge to gloss over, tell myself it wasn't so bad et

I never thought about that. I do that too. Trying to candy coat stuff in a way to say it wasn't that bad. A type of denial almost. Or at leaat not wanting to face it head on on paper.

Though, if that is the case, why only on paper and not here? I was "all in" here and refuse to censor myself here. But still have issue with it on paper. I don't get that part in this framing.

 

[aut555]

Think for lots of reasons its hard to write stuff down. I am afraid it will come back to haunt me for legal reasons because l have been involved in an extremely ugly divorce with a medical professional. So don't beat yourself up, it's ok to have fears. Maybe tell what you feel comfortable releasing. There are ptsd issues l won't even release here at this site, but l appreciate this site me helping face truths and heal.

 

[joeylittle]

I was "all in" here and refuse to censor myself here. But still have issue with it on paper. I don't get that part in this framing.

Not trying to argue this - but you've said a few times that you haven't shared your whole trauma history here...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but you've said a few times that you haven't shared your whole trauma history here...

True. The majority of it is here but you're right, some things have been left out. There's a few reasons for that, but still true.

Here is the only place, besides therapy, where i threw up most of my past all at once. And the other stuff is coming out in pieces. The closet and the chaining were two of those.

But, i guess i was comparing here vs paper. I couldn't write "i was in a cult" or even "i was abused". I tried and i, for whatever reason, can't seem to. Verses here where i am quite open and honest about my past. Most times too much for many. So I guess that's where the comparing comes from.

And the refuse to censor. One distinct thread comes to mind. Physical scares and physical things, due to the trauma, that are still an issue today where the OP advised my post should have had (as a suggestion only) a tigger warning. That's what i mean by refusing to censor. I'm sorta 'all out there' with the majority of my past.

I guess i view here a safe open area to speak of the deep dark secerts. Yes, here is still the internet and no where online is safe. Its not that sort of safe. Safe from, i think, someone i know finding and reading. Only me and my therapist knows of this site in my real world. So no one can find my "journal".

Best way I can explain it anyway as I don't think I fully understand why I feel safe to write about what I have here but not even a sentence of it on paper.

 

[Sideways]

I'm completely honest when I journal, which means I can write completely different thoughts or feelings to the next. I don't consciously censor, but I don't write about some topics, because some things I don't find journalling about them helpful. So my 'journal' isn't a complete narrative. There are often big things in my life that I just don't cover.

But it is misleading for me to talk about my 'journal' as if it's a single item. i have both a writing/reflecting general journal, but also add a lot to my daily diary, and I keep both. I have a few seperate books for journalling about particular topics, so that all my thoughts and memories about that topic are in one place, and can be destroyed seperately to the rest of my life.

Add to that, I journal in different formats. I keep 2 digital journals (seperate to my one here), as well as a therapy journal (a madhouse mix of different formats), a flash drive journal (with seperate file for pics, which is also a form of journal, and not all pics are relevant enough to get stored), an art diary, and a poetry journal.

I've been journalling at an ebb and flow rate since primary school. Different types of journalling serve different purposes for me. But if I had to amalgamate them all into one book, I would have to censor. I couldn't handle the thought of all those conflicting and painful and toxic things being in one place.

Mum knows I want my journals destroyed if I pass away, and I believe that she'd do that for me honestly. I don't really worry so much about other people reading them. I think maybe it's my DID, but I'd need to censor because I can't handle all the different parts of my life colliding. I need to keep them separate, and controlled. That, I think, is an odd form of censorship probably.

 

[Suzetig]

I know for me the process of physically putting pen to paper gives me a different feeling of connection to typing something. The process of typing feels quite detached and I csn do that almost without thinking where I'm deeply connected to writing.

I've always kept a paper and pen journal but have struggled to get along with a trauma diary here - I think the disconnect that comes with typing stops me from being open because it feels like I'm writing an academic paper. Most of the academic work I've done has been highly personally reflective so I'm used to typing personal stuff in a relatively detached way when I need a more emotional connection in my journaling.

If all I wanted to do was tell my story, disclose what happened to me a typed journal would be ideal because I could get it out there but processing, for me, means pen and paper and fighting with the urge to censor.

 

[Naoru]

I censor everything I write which really hinders my ability to work on being authentic and truly process things. There is always a pressure to be perfect or write something perfectly or perfectly convey the message I'm trying to get across ... the list goes on. There is always the lingering fear of getting in trouble and miscommunication, should someone else read my journal ... the fear of being weak and vulnerable. Nowhere is safe and nothing is truly private.

Then there's the fear of making my traumas real. I simply cannot present things as serious as they are or without considering the audience. (Writing is part of what I do.)

Typing is much easier because of the disconnect. Pen and paper is more personal and honestly, my hand cannot keep up with my brain and I end up focusing more on handwriting and perfect lines rather than the task at hand.

I want to start a diary here, but I'm too paralyzed to do it. I want to do it "right" and receive genuine feedback and support, but I am too overwhelmed to get started. Typed up something last night in fact and deleted it.

Issues. :rolleyes::whistling:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The process of typing feels quite detached and I csn do that almost without thinking where I'm deeply connected to writing.

Hmm, maybe that is why i can be open here but cant write. I feel more when i write maybe? Maybe its why my therapist wanted me to write it from start to finish?

I never thought about it that way.

Add to that, I journal in different formats. I keep 2 digital journals (seperate to my one here), as well as a therapy journal (a madhouse mix of different formats), a flash drive journal (with seperate file for pics, which is also a form of journal, and not all pics are relevant enough to get stored), an art diary, and a poetry journal.

Good lord! You're like the journal queen!

Any hints on how to start one if its hard to write stuff down?

I need to keep them separate, and controlled. That, I think, is an odd form of censorship probably.

Maybe a form of control? If you can keep the journals (part of your life) seperate then you have control over them?

Just a thought. Was my first thought when I read it.