I'd rather be numb than deal with this torture.

[Mim28]

I am stuck in this hell of PTSD/anxiety/panic/depression and I so desperately want to get out.
I thought I was doing okay and more stressors and triggers, but physically and emotionally hit me and I took a nosedive back into this state.
I had a reaction to a medication for a medical condition, which cause the panic to start and have not been able to stop. mentally I have gone right back to where I started, if not farther back. I am devastated. Now I feel like I will never get out of this.

I was trying really hard to get better. Doing all the right things: resting, yoga, prayer, eating well, connecting with people, attending T weekly. I just kept trying to work on my physical health as well and it backfired. Now I have doctors listening to me, but it almost feels to late. I feel like my system took one too many hits.

I so want to get back to work and be my old confident self. I want to be present. My T saw the progress and now the regression. I wasn't fully ready to go back to work, but I was trying. It's a good thing I didn't. I would not have lasted a day.

Now I just shake, and panic, and then when I do fall asleep, I don't want to get up. I make myself get up and have a good breakfast. I do this with most of my meals. My once ravenous appetite is gone. I just want to sleep and cry.
My primary says my meds are not working; like they are supposed to be the quick fix for everything. He thinks the psychiatrist should change them. I react so badly to medication, that I am afraid to try.

Is it possible that I have just hit my rock bottom? That my system really can't take anymore? Am I so used to being pushed and pushing myself to get back up that this time, my mind and body say, NO, you are not ready.

I beat myself up constantly for not being able to get better and the choices I have made that may have lead to me ignoring my mental and physical health.

I considered myself strong and able to beat this. It sucks. I hate it and sometimes I hate myself. the worst thing is the setback, because I have a recent frame of reference were I was seeing progress. Not now. Now I don't trust my own decisions. I have become agoraphobic and I am isolating. I pray and pray and I try. I don't think my mind is capable of doing much right now other than taking care of my basic needs. There is no way on earth I could go back to work.

I had 3 days so doctors appointments last week and It wore me out. I had 3 this week and I am so tired. I know the "mean coach" in my head is pushing me. I am so used to her running the show that she causes more anxiety and panic.

I sat in my bed crying and screaming and got up to do a couple things. Right now all I want to do is throw out the junk that is causing mental and physical clutter because I can't deal with it.

What's scaring me the most is I don't see an end in site. I know it has to be there. I just don't see any progress towards it.
I have to take the medication to calm down. Its a low dose and helps, but it makes me sleepy. Honestly, I think I'd rather sleep or be numb that deal with this torture.

I want to curl up in a ball on the floor. I just don't know how long I will be there. And that scares me too.
Now I panic about losing my job. What next?
I am not well.
I need someone who understands what this feels like. I need a success story.

 

[GrayOwl]

Sounds like you're pushing too hard.
And you are beating yourself up.

Neither are necessary.
I wish I had more time to post right now but I have food and laundry and things all going.
I so relate to the "feelings", the anxieties, the self criticism and doubt.

It is so important to keep ahead of them. they are the enemy. they are sneaky and try to make you beat yourself up. We are all soooo human. Just who we are. And that is o.k. Perfectly fine.

Don't listen to the voices. Don't listen to society and its rules and its dictates. Go relax. Do something YOU enjoy. Whatever it is. Reading, feeding birds, walking, etc. Have some comfort food.

And just realize you are fine being who you are and you are fine being just where you are at.

I spent soooo much of my life being hard on myself and setting up rules and goals and "have to's". That's why today I am GrayOwl. As in it's a "Gray" world - I gave up on everything is either black or white. No more deadlines. No more absolutely this or absolutely that. So what if I don't ??? The world and me will survive and we'll go with plan b or c or q or z or even zzz. But it will work out.

Today it's whatever. It's gray. It's o.k.. I can relax. I can be just wherever I am at right now and IT IS OK. I still do my chores. And they get done. It's just not on critical timelines. The lists are gone.

I hope you can take a deep breath and relax. Sleep is ok. I just took several naps in order to get to my chores. I am way behind where I wanted to be. But it's o.k. I'm not critically hungry or dirty so I'll get caught up. LOL:happy:

I'll check back later. Hope I haven't offended. And I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Mim28]

Thank you Gray Owl.
Your first two sentences helped me release my emotions. I may have to read them several times a day. I am just so sad. I feel like I am leaning heavy on this group lately. They help me to get from one minute to the next or one task to the next.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you reaching out to me. It has helped me so much for right now.
Bless you,
Mim

 

[littlestar]

I am stuck in this hell of PTSD/anxiety/panic/depression and I so desperately want to get out.
I thought...

Mim28, I can relate to almost all of your post. Every time I get on here i cant beleive i have found another person like me. I too was on a decent path even recovering from my husband passing , very familiar with my ptsd symptoms, and did everything I was supposed to do for the most part. Functioning was good and i was even having pleasant thoughts about the future without him. Than a whole massive amount of triggers and something that I didd that super triggered me into a non funcioning state, cognitive loss, anxiety, depression and meds. which I also had a reaction to some of the meds. I also beat up on myself and freak out at various times during the day. Lost myself and my safe place in my mind. could say more, but generally i can relate to all of it. I think I see you on chat sometimes, so I may have to butt in and say hello and chat some.
Peace for now.

 

[Mim28]

Thank you @littlestar . You don't know how much your comments mean to me. I am unable to work... really unable to function other than basic care for myself. I know one day will be better. Just not now.
While money won't make me happy, the Publishers Clearing house showing up at my door would make things a little easier to bear..
Thank you again. :hug:

 

[IamFree]

Hello trauma is like snakes and ladders its all a part of the process. I relate to hating my self when things did not not go as planned and I regressed again. but I came through with more and experience and wisdom. I try not to treat healing like a schedule anymore but just focus on accepting myself as being good enough for today.I try to remember to that even people without PTSD have ups and downs in life . life is challenging for everyone.

 

[Mim28]

thank you @Terry W. I wish life didn't demand a schedule or that I had someone else to help carry the load. I'm afraid I'm ruining my life and that is making it worse.

 

[aut555]

Sorry Min28. That's gotta be tough. The problem with this is like the ocean. Sometimes the waves are calm, our ptsd is doable, but get the wrong weather, too big of a boat, a school of sharks, those waves crash hard on the beach, and our ptsd feels like it could sink us. But there is another day, you will get better. I was on medicine that l loved, l smiled way too much on it, then l found l was allergic to it, like close to death reaction. So stay postive, when do you get off those meds that exaberated your condition? Can you switch meds? Hoping you are feeling better and not so down about this

 

[GrayOwl]

You're not ruining your life.
And leaning on us is why Anthony & Nicolette built this website.
When we need to lean back someone will be there for us.
What are some of the things you enjoy doing in life?
Did you get a chance to do any of them today?