Mental Tricks For Dealing With Difficult People

[EveHarrington]

I'm wondering what sort of mental tricks people use in order to deal with difficult people.

I admit my mental tricks don't always sound all that nice, but they stay in my head and I don't use them against people.

Right now I'm dealing with a boundary crossing person. Kind of the story of my life. I repeatedly have these issues and it oftentimes doesn't end well. :-/ (Wanting to hurt myself, the nearest object within reach, hurt myself with the nearest object within reach, or just get in my car and drive as far as I can.)

And usually what happens when people force themselves into my life is that I freak out. I panic.

But really, this does nothing to help the situation as these people have no concept of healthy boundaries.

I set, enforce, re-enforce boundaries. Sometimes I slip up-----we all do. But in the end, what matters most is my mental state, and not having meltdowns when boundaries are crossed. Being able to keep thing stable in my mind is the most important thing.

My current mind trick is to just envision boundary crossers as Cartman from Southpark. That scene where he's ranting "I do what I want!!!" just cracks me up because he's kind of sad-----and the guys just kind of disregard him in general. If I think of it like this, it reframed things for me so that I am able to see that the shortcomings are in them, not me. I no longer feel weak because frankly I'm cracking up and thinking "oh god, that's just sad!"

I'd like to have more mental tools in my kit. Whatever they may be, from real life, pop culture, etc. I just need simple tools that I can use to pull my mind out of that "I need to run to the far ends of the earth" mentality.

Thanks. :)

 

[Rani G2]

@EveHarrington

not sure if I come off as an idiot if I recommend this book. Its esoterical and a lot of energy stuff. Personally, I am sceptical when it com es to all this chakra, prana stuff.

A friend of mine, recommended Choa Kok Sui. Just his images, not Guru Sh*t.

Working with patients is a shit*y thing, especially when people get aggressive due to fear. I usually get aggressive(Not always) too, because I dont want to be the one who backs off. The T asked me to try something out, if someone stands infront of you, argues, she asked me to do something very unusual like, “Oh look there is a small insect on your head, I just want to let you know“ or completely getting out of that scene by changing the subject. This sounds silly, and I know it doesnt work always. Doing something odd, or saying something unusual irritates that person.

Shankara

 

[GrayOwl]

Good post.
I need help with this too.
Any input greatly appreciated.
I am very susceptible to predatory behaviors and people.
I don't like always being in my guard.
But when I let down it always seems someone is there to bully or assault.
It gets old.

 

[EveHarrington]

Bump. Fell off the shortened new post list.

 

[Friday]

I am currently composing a very moving hula that tells the story of how 1 person asked another person a direct question and got a direct answer... Instead of 1 person asked another person a passive aggressive question, got a direct answer, blew their Vesuvius, and had a moving hula composed in response. :shifty: As we are now answering all passive aggressive questions with interpretive dance. At least in my head.

I love my parents. They're good people. My parents drive me absolutely freakinglutely keerazy. ^^^ Finding SOMETHING funny about the ridiculous situations I find myself in with them? Is one way. Even if I have to outright invent the funny after the fact. Dammit, it's gonna suck, so how can we make sure it doesn't suck quite so hard? Polynesian cultural traditions of storytelling, it is. Since English has failed me, perhaps... No. I know. It probably won't work. It still amuses me.

There are a lot of other tricks I use, but since this happened maybe 15 minutes ago it's what's in the forefront of my mind at the moment.

 

[Ronin]

^ All above: Spirits & Storytelling.

& Imagining the worst outcome in which I'm the actor. When I know the lines I'm really not willing to cross, because they are just soo not worth it? And already told myself a story about how utterly damned they were, and I was, doing that cross, which is why we soo don't do it, as it don't help? The actual dealing with them becomes easier.

Granted, some times it also takes being ready to be that antihero of the story, just choosing differently. I like happy endings & nice surprises, so turning out to the better, by being better.

 

[BlueOrange]

I came to the forums at 2:30am to look for help with this problem - I have a fear that if I ask for help, I will lose the ability to decide my boundaries.

When negotiating with others, I try to openly acknowledge their (potentially assumed) positive intent. Then (assuming I'm at peak performance) I assert limits or boundaries.

So, applying it to what I want to say: "I can see that you want to help me, and I'm grateful for that. I don't feel able to accept what you're offering. It's not a thing that I'm able to discuss until I've had an opportunity to reflect on it."

 

[Recovery4Me]

I really giggled as well as enjoyed some of the responses to a challenging question.

When I am particularly vexed and in a position where I cannot walk away immediately, I drop to a breathing meditation exercise. I do this to control my rage that somehow was plugged into.

See, my anger surfaces quicker when I have not healed an area as of yet. I don't worry if it's justified or not as much as I worry about my choice of reaction during the current conflict.

I know for a fact, I am one of those difficult people because I had heard it for nearly 60 years. As well, to be honest when I was younger I could kick arsh, so it was important that I learned to control quickly a lot of my anger so that I didn't hurt someone.

I found that in controlling myself, the others seem to have less of an effect on my gutt or psyche.

As a matter fact when I first came on this board I had a major bully at work that threw his fist towards my face and I caught it in midair. I felt in control because I did not break his arm. But I did post on the board to make sure that it was training rather than PTSD flash. Anthony was kind and talked me down from the mental tripping .

So I truly believe with practice, arshhats become less significant if you can find a part of yourself within them. But then maybe other members aren't as difficult as I am… LOL

 

[Ronin]

I know for a fact, I am one of those difficult people because I had heard it for nearly 60 years.

Some call it difficult, some call it intense & strong willed, but good on them all for recognizing you're badass who's above they mediocre nonsense for sixty years. :D

 

[Recovery4Me]

:whistling: LOL @Ronin I have to watch my mouth too as you know. Thank God for all the kind members and staff that have redirected me through the years (such as yourself). As well I found other difficult people make the best of friends… Hmmmm

 

[aut555]

@EveHarrington , how about asking them outright why they are doing what they are doing and (stepping on your boundaries)? Sometimes people are doing something for a totally unrelated reason, sometimes they are stepping on you to see if you will stand up to them or not. Confronting people nicely but firmly says you don't take bs from anyone. If they don't get the message, that's on them, they have a abusive abrasive personality and you can't change that, just keep your boundaries firmly in place with them 24/7.

 

[Angela Corgan]

I have a variety of tactics, avoidance of the people, pretending they are two inches tall, if you have video of them you can speed it up so they look stupid, totally ignoring the comment, or fighting back. Good example of that was nosy landlady, going on and on about why I had gone 'no contact with 'father', she got nowhere (I just kept politely repeating the official reasons) she said:

"I feel pity for you."

I said:

"I don't need your pity I know exactly what I am doing. Thank you."

She said:

"Oh not pity I feel sorry for you."

Me: Don't. I just need you to respect my boundaries. "

And left the kitchen. The urge to add you "stupid f*** cow" was there but that was what she wanted.