Reaching For Something To Take Away The Pain...

[BoN-bOn]

I have recently started down a path of self-destruction. I started using alcohol to try & hide the pain & anxiety that a new relationship (a healthy one) was causing me. The more I tried to have control over my feelings, the more out of control things became.

I got a DUI in March. That's when I entered court-ordered counseling. I was very guarded entering into this counseling. I don't trust people anyway & I certainly didn't want to trust her. I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want her digging into my past to find out what the real problem was.

It didn't take her long to get me to open up & a lot of pain came spilling out. She quickly recognized that I am suffering from PTSD from a lot of childhood & adult abuse. Our stories were very similar & she understood what I was feeling, so I did end up opening up to her a lot about my past.

She found a counselor for me specializing in trauma/EMDR treatment, but it was going to be 4 weeks before my appointment. After my counseling with her ended, I felt like the wounds had been ripped open & I was left to deal with all of the pain alone. All of the memories & emotions came flooding back & I couldn't sleep, eat, or function normally. The nightmares were worse than ever before...I was going days with no sleep, unable to relax at all!

A few weekends ago, after 3 days with no sleep I had a few drinks to try & help me relax. I also took a Xanax. I don't remember much after that, but apparently it wasn't enough to stop the pain & I had taken a few more Xanax (the bottle was empty the next day :().

I fell on my face & broke my nose. My 14-year-old son found me & called a friend of ours to check on me, who ended up calling an ambulance because he couldn't get the bleeding to stop & I wasn't responding. Now I am facing a violation of probation charge & could lose everything that I've worked so hard to try & rebuild (my nursing license, my job, my home, my relationship with my son, etc)!

This isn't like me at all to behave this way, & I don't know what is happening! I was allowed to bond out of jail with an alcohol monitor, but my hearing is on Nov 30.

I'm so afraid of what is going to happen. It isn't fair that I am still suffering from things that other people did to me. I truly do not understand how someone can intentionally hurt someone else. Even if you lined up all of the people who have hurt me & damaged me, & I had the chance to hurt them back I wouldn't be able to do it!

I have used alcohol as a band-aid & I realize that it isn't working anymore & I'm ready to get the real help that I need to fix it. I'm so ashamed of the hurt that I've caused my son, I do love him more than anything in the world...he is the REASON I am now free from abuse. He is what kept me going when I felt like giving up.

I'm not giving up now, but I sure can't help but feel like it's useless to keep fighting. I can't imagine how afraid he must have been to see me lying on the floor in a puddle of blood, then seeing me being taken out of our home on a stretcher. How selfish of me!

He's such a great kid, & he loves me more than anything (although he is a typical 14-year-old boy & doesn't always show it). He's so confident, well-adjusted, caring, polite & respectful. I've done a great job with him so far all on my own, I certainly don't want to screw up now! He was young when we left his abusive father, but he still remembers a few traumatic events that occurred. We've both suffered enough!!

If you respond, please don't judge or scrutinize me. I'm not here for sympathy, but I am here for some encouragement that I can get through this. I've already survived so much! It helps to have others who understand what I'm going through, & right now, even my family doesn't understand.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:


Can I ask you to write in paragraphs? It's hard to read a huge block of text with no breaks. (I confess I skipped most of the middle.) There are many here who have difficulty reading long posts that have no breaks.

Thanks.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

You're right - it's so unfair that we have to spend our lives paying for abuse that we did not deserve. I'm sorry that you're going through such difficulty.

Have you spoken with your doctor? I'm sure s/he would prescribe something that would help you calm down. If the Xanax isn't helping, something else might.

In the meantime, if you're really serious about getting yourself back on track, here are two things you can do to help you immediately: exercise that will make your body tired, and performing acts of kindness. No lie. When you focus on the needs of others, you instantly feel better because you are no longer inwardly focused.

Good luck to you!

 

[BoN-bOn]

You're right - it's so unfair that we have to spend our lives paying for abuse that we did not dese...

Yes I stopped the Xanax & we increased the Lexapro & added Trazadone at night for sleep. It seems to be helping some...but now I just sleep through the nightmares. I used to run & that helped for a long time, but last time I ran, my heart rate went up & never came back down & I ended up in the Urgent Care clinic (it wasn't my heart, just anxiety). Maybe I should try again now that I'm on meds. I agree, doing something nice for someone helps....

 

[Friday]

I used to run & that helped for a long time, but last time I ran, my heart rate went up & never came back down & I ended up in the Urgent Care clinic (it wasn't my heart, just anxiety). Maybe I should try again now that I'm on meds

The 3 things that help me the most are: Stress Cup, Exposure Therapy (for triggers & stressors, I haven't done it on my trauma. Yet.), and....Exercise.

For me'self...There's a bit or a trick to the exercise + anxiety. I have to catch it at the right point, either coming up or coming down. Either burning off all the wild before it can really sink it's teeth in... Or gentling the landing coming down from a hard _____ (stressed out day, nightmare, panic attack, super-exciting-happy-anything, etc.). If I try and go in the middle? It tends to be too much for my body to handle. I'm exausted. My blood is already in my core, and sending it to my limbs makes me dizzy/confused as the different systems start fighting each other), and a lot of other physiological stuff that, as a nurse, I don't need to bring up.

What I've found helps a lot in the middle of anxiety running hot, is fine motor, instead of gross motor. I like cleaning weapons, picking locks, drawing, video games, one handed knots, and cooking prep, personally. There's also things like whistling, singing, & certain musical instruments. Although I suck at those, I still enjoy it, and they still help lower my anxiety. I'd also really like to learn ASL, but haven't started, yet. With fine motor skills, I'm moving my fingers & hands with various degrees of accuracy required, but the rest of my body is at rest. Concentration & movement, but without the heavy physical demand. <chuckling> Lock picking is newish (about 2 years old) and I looooove it...cough...in part because my hands have tremors? LMAO. :roflmao: Is actually a good thing!

So if you've been needing an excuse to work on your sutures? :sneaky: Also therapy!

One of the other HUGE helps with exercise, especially gross motor, is not waiting until I need it, but to be venting early and often, ideally daily. Not only does it help build a routine (and PTSD loooooves routines, IME) to be doing it daily, but it helps vent the stress that fills the cup / makes me more able to handle the stresses thought the day. It's a hugely useful tool. But especially if your heart needs conditioning, or you don't have the physicality to exercise at the level you need/want? Don't forget fine motor! :D

 

[Hope69]

You have recognized that you need help, you are reaching for support, you are going to see a therapist. All those things are steps towards healing.
I raised two daughters with PTSD. I have had to apologize for a number of situations that scared them and put them at risk. Talk to your son. He doesn't need details of your pain, but only to know you care, you are taking responsibility for yourself and behavior that are not healthy, and that you are committed to being the best person/parent hat you can.
Finding support in a 12 step program or similar can be helpful too, even if the underlying issues are trauma related.
Heres a video I like on addiction
What is Addiction? [Gabor Maté]
As for your relationship, healthy or not, watch your reactions and notice if it is bringing up more than you can digest at a time, being well has to be a priority.

 

[BoN-bOn]

The 3 things that help me the most are: Stress Cup, Exposure Therapy (for triggers & stressors, I haven'...

That's very insightful, thank you! I've thought often that I need to find something to do like learn to cross-stitch or knitting or something because any time I have to sit still I pick at my fingers (until they bleed!)...it's a bad habit since childhood, I don't even realize I'm doing it half the time. It's embarrassing & certainly not a good habit to have as a nurse with open cuts on my hands! Maybe I need to borrow some of your locks @Friday !

That's interesting about exercise too....I completely understand where you are coming from. I used to be able to run & get that euphoric feeling of accomplishment & peace afterwards. I used to run a lot to manage my anxiety, but when it gets as bad as it has been lately it only makes the anxiety worse.

Thank you for your response!

 

[BoN-bOn]

You have recognized that you need help, you are reaching for support, you are going to see a therapist....

Thank you for that! I keep telling myself, "at least I've identified the problem & I'm taking steps to fix it." That's the hardest part I think...I've been in denial for so long, trying to manage the symptoms on my own. It's very hard to take that first step to reach out for help & admit that you can't do things on your own. I am seeing a substance abuse counselor & I did 12 week group sessions with another counselor (that's what brought all my past to the surface--during her one-on-one sessions).

I guess as parents we all make mistakes...some mistakes are bigger than others. I just hope I haven't traumatized HIM with my last attempt to try & manage things on my own! I was actually considering cancelling my appointment with the EMDR therapist out of fear. My last mistake made me realize I don't have an option...I HAVE to get help. I hope that my son can see my determination & trust that I am committed to being the best parent I can be. Thank you for your advice!

 

[Tess]

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. You are taking the right steps.
You mentioned the gap between the counseling you finished and when you have your 1st appt with your therapist who specializes in EMDR, is that correct?
Maybe the therapist who referred you, will have some ideas until your 1st appt. They might expedite being seen at the same practice where you'll be going. You can call your new therapists office and ask to be put on a cancellation list as a new patient. Someone cancels, you slide right in and don't take no from yourself, as an answer..

Without going into my situation currently, I can tell you that if you fear not being ready to do EMDR, it's OK. Here's why. When I met my EMDR therapist we had to get the things done to have a place for her to work from. You start talking and developing your therapist/client relationship. The rapport, the trust and feeling safe. You won't launch into and lay all the groundwork to begin EMDR until your therapist has built a foundation.
Based on science & research with stats and results, EMDR is a therapy that gets results for PTSD. If you show up and have something pressing to discuss, even after you start the EMDR, your therapist will know if that day will not be best spent doing EMDR. It will make a difference, give you tools, once you get to that place. Don't give up!
Someone already gave great advice to open communication with your son, about your commitment to get the help you need.
You can still be active in 12 step groups. Get a sponsor. Call when you are noticing the draw to self destructive behaviors.
I'm sure that the therapists and being compliant with your programs even during transition, are familiar with how they can support you and your son to build a life that is better.
Relationships: This is tough. You make your own decisions. You stated this is a good, or healthy relationship. Things I ask myself: I have been wrong in the past.
Does it mean I won't ever be in the right place to know who are healthy friends? Who really are not good for me where I am am right now? Are Is their baggage when mixed with mine contributing to staying unhealthy? (We all have baggage).
You have to do all that is necessary, one day at a time, (moment to moment, deep breathe), so you make progress in your recovery. When you are taking care of you, staying on track, you have your son. You will be able to ask about support for him. He will need help and therapy. Then he can connect, via what support or groups he needs.

It's good that you are able to sleep through nightmares. I'm familiar with health professional stress.
The exercise, and working on healthy coping skills, and adding tools to a maybe broken, empty toolbox. Every tool is one more way to cope today.

You'll know if you aren't healthy enough to work on more than what you already are. Even if good people come along when we aren't healthy enough to yet have solid self care.
Believe me, I'm not throwing stones while living in a glass house. I'm humble. Have progress to make for me. I am not healthy enough yet to be able, strictly for me, have any intimate relationship.
I'm working on being a friend to me and to others.

If nothing else is of use, be kind to yourself and your son. Keep showing up for therapy, support, honesty, healing.
And call the therapist's office. If you have an emergency, don't feel safe, are going to fall into risky destructive behavior, they have someone on call.
You are worth it! Your son is worth it! We may not believe it yet, or have any idea how to love ourselves when all we see is this broken mess.

It is about learning to be kind to ourselves. Someone else did the damage. So now we have to learn how to avoid what isn't good for us. How to be patient with ourselves and not best ourselves down. There's plenty of outside challenges to take care of that. It's sometimes just surviving the moment, today. Being present. Let the professionals help you. Then do your homework. Explore how to not keep repeating patterns that are unhealthy.
You can & will do it! Little by little.
Sending virtual hugs

 

[BoN-bOn]

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. You are taking the right steps.
You mentioned the gap b...

Thank you so much for your advice!! The first counselor did call & get me on a cancellation list, but I never heard anything. I'm kind of having a hard time right now because I had my first session with the EMDR therapist & she said to return in 1 week, but there wasn't anything on the schedule for THREE weeks. When I go again on the 22nd I will feel like I'm starting over again so I plan to talk to her about that. 3 weeks apart is too long. Hopefully now that I am established we can work on getting me regularly scheduled appointments. If not, I'm not sure that she will be a good fit because 3 weeks is long enough for me to lose trust in anyone & I haven't even gotten to the point where I feel like I DO trust her. She asked if I did. I kind of shrugged my shoulders & said that I don't even trust my own judgement when it comes to trusting people. I don't even trust myself!

Last time I saw my family doctor I mentioned the PTSD for the first time. Before I had only complained of anxiety/trouble sleeping, but I decided to be totally honest about what we were dealing with. Gave her a brief history of my past & was honest about the nightmares & all of the symptoms I've been so embarrassed about--I don't know why I've never done that before!! I told her about the therapist I was going to see & she had good things to say about her. I also asked if she recommended anyone for my teenage son & she told me there was someone at the place I am going, so once I am established there & pay off some of my court fines I plan to get him in see a guy there too.

I'm considering going to a group session at the local domestic violence shelter here tomorrow night. I was very involved with the shelter in the state I lived before I moved here. I used to share my story at events. I just wrote a speech a few weeks ago that the director read at a Gala event last weekend. Someone from the shelter here (where I live now) contacted me not long ago (after my recent trouble) & I've been talking to them a little bit about what is going on with me. They invited me to attend their group sessions. I told them I felt silly because I'm not actually dealing with abuse presently, but they said I am welcome to come because I am still dealing the affects of abuse which can continue for many years. I do need some support outside of therapy & I think

I broke off the relationship a few months ago. I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend to be someone I'm not (which is what I had been doing the entire 2 years that we were dating). I thought I was ready for a relationship but I realize I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I wanted it to work & I tried hard. I didn't mean to hurt him in the process, but the harder I tried to be "normal," the more frustrated with myself I became. It just made the anxiety, panic attacks, & nightmares even worse. So then I tried the drinking route...& that was always his answer too when I was feeling anxious. "drink a beer, that will help." It did help....temporarily. :( It sucks there's no "easy fix" for this. I realize I have a long road ahead & a lot of work to do. Patience & being kind to myself are definitely a few of the things I need to work on.

Thank you again for your response!:hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am a clean addict of cocaine, crack, and inhalants (keyboard duster) so I get wanting to numb the pain and the feeling of flood gates opening.

I was also in denial for 10 yrs so per me my entire past never happened so after it came out in therapy fully, the flood gates fully opened and of the 8 years in therapy I was huffing duster for a few years of therapy.

What I have to realize is that pain will happen. Good god does pain happen in therapy. But if you numb it, you aren't dealing with it. And you can deal with it or handle it it before having coping tools. But really helped me was DBT Dead Link Removed as distress tolerance was huge as was emotional regualtion.

Also DBT distraction and DBT self soothing skils are amazing tools.

And then I would say that in therapy you need to work through this abuse. It doesn't hurt this bad all of the time. It is a roller coaster while working on it but eventually if eases more and more until it is barely there.

Also Xanax is for anxiety. If you are using it to numb the emotional pain, you are abusing it.

I am not judging, just advising from someone that has been there. There are ways to handle them without substances.

I am sorry you are going through all of this and I hope something here helps! :hug: