Psychopathic Abuse/stockholm Syndrome

[Deleted member 35429]

My trauma seems very bizarre to me but I understand that feeling unrelatable is a common thread among many trauma survivors.

Im just curious if others will share their experiences with psychopathic people and/or any experience of Stockholm syndrome.

I was very young and was isolated with a psychopath for 18months. He was all the things you'd expect from a psychopath: loving, charming, attractive, highly devoted to me. I was innocent and a virgin but fell madly in love and ran off with him within days of meeting him. I was a young teen. He was quickly very violent and sadistic. I developed what my therapists describe as Stockholm syndrome and did anything to protect him even as he hurt me. I would have killed my parents for him. I endured horrific abuse, without even the thought of a complaint, in order to show him my love and commitment. I behaved and felt like some kind of cult follower. Despite my mindless brainwashed devotion to him I was eventually abandoned by him, typical behavior for a psychopath. When he discarded me I had already lost everything. I left school, friends, hobbies, everything. I was completely alone. The sexual violence, isolation, and emotional destruction left me a shell of a person. The abandonment after such extreme devotion was devastating.

20 yrs later and I have rebuilt a normal life now but I tend to still feel very alone. I think because my adolescence was so isolated, terrifying and unspeakable.

Can anyone relate to any of this?
How differently would you think of someone if they told you this was their history?

 

[Rani G2]

Can anyone relate to any of this?
How differently would you think of someone if they told you this was their history?

@Orion

this is extremely devastating Orion! You seem to have built up a somewhat stable existance even though you went through that traumatic experience. You own my respect for that.
Do you now fear that by opening up, someone in your environment would judge you?
“How differently“= You feel that you pretended to be someone without blemish or?

Sorry, if my question sounds somewhat strange?!

 

[Ironlady]

I grew up in a familial cult.. isolated, covert incest, and enmeshment with my cult leader of a father. While more of a narcissist I get the whole charming thing.. my dad was certainly that to get what he wanted and if that didn't work he would attack.. coming out of nowhere and become a completey raging man.. at the time I did anything he asked and then some for him to show him I loved him and to ensure I stayed loved and safe.

I find it's a fawning response to trauma.. fawning is another way to stay safe. So be sure you look into that and don't blame your minds way of protecting yourself. I didn't leave until after I turned 33.. TRAUMA BONDS are extremely hard to overcome. I left but there was so much of him in me that I truly felt like I was dying and that there was nothing left inside.

Everyday I'm understanding a bit more that this isn't true. I'm in here even when it doesn't feel like it.

While my situation is different I do identify with a lot of your describing. I have gotten some great support here even though I was scared to put myself out there.

I would think that you are amazing to have survived.. and a very loving, loyal person who got extremely taken advantage of. I'm glad your safe now and are living your own life.

Loneliness is my companion in a lot of ways.. it's hard to relate to people and trust others.

Big hugs. Your not alone hon.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

@Orion

this is extremely devastating Orion! You seem to have built up a somewhat s...

Thank you, yes, I have always pretended to be someone without blemish. It's amazing how many people make the assumption I was high school valedictorian. I never even went back to high school. Missed 3 yrs. I did eventually go to college and get a good career so people in my life now have absolutely no clue. Only recently have I told my husband of 10yrs. I can't believe I shut this off for so long. I truly credit dissociative amnesia with helping me build a normal life without having to think of this.
Now I'm trying to live my normal life with this new conscious awareness of the wretched past. I'm starting to be forgiving of myself but the lonliness runs deep.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

I grew up in a familial cult.. isolated, covert incest, and enmeshment with my cult leader of a father...

Iron Lady, that's unfathomably difficult. Wow. How are you now? Have your therapists seen anything like this? The two I've seen have never worked with someone like me. They are both seasoned psychologists so it's another isolating fact for me.
I'm so sorry this went on for you from birth to 33. How amazing you were able to leave. You are truly a uniquely powerful person.

 

[Ironlady]

I'm doing much better.. it's been 2 years since I cut off contact with him.. so I'm just now starting to identify with parts of myself that have remained hidden..I have a ways to go though... he would punish me by creating in my mind that success was somehow wrong and sinful and if something bad would happen he would use that to drive the point home that I was getting punished.. so when I start doing things that lead to success of some sort I find myself spiraling down and folding as my body is so afraid still.. even though consciousnessly I know it's not true.

I was homeschooled until 6th grade then not schooled at all. So I didn't have much of an education.. I taught myself and was able to get a GED but I'm terrified of university even though I know I have an intelligent mind despite the dissociation issues and really want to go... so... still... working/navigating I just try to create success in a safe way through creativity right now.. I am an artist and have been trying to build identity through that outlet.

My therapist hasn't ever really indicated that he hasn't worked with someone like me but he is VERY careful in how he words things and communicates... so that I do not feel alienated... my situation is unique and honestly I have felt very alone... like I'm the only one..l but I am learning that isn't the case. There are others out there.. while the situations may be different the psychological effects are very similar... as a matter of fact I just posted a thread yesterday in a attempt to connect and in the forums there was much support and understanding from other cult survivors.. so not feeling as isolated now.. :)

I would say try not to look at the fact your psychologists haven't treated someone like you as this a way for you to shame yourself... or make yourself feel like you are an outcast of sorts. Those tend to be inner child responses... when that feeling comes up.. hold those energies with love like you would as a parent to a child.. allow them to present themselves, honor them invite them in and thank them for visiting but then let them go.

You are not alone... there are many of us.. it's just we are likely to remain quiet for fear and shame.

Thank you so much.. I'm trying.. and big hugs to you.. it's sounds like you are processing.. and the amnesia parts are opening up because you are probably reaching a point where you are safe and able to process now..and learning and moving forward even though you take a lil slip sometimes.. which is what we all do.. that's real progress! :)

 

[Freedomfighter]

My trauma seems very bizarre to me but I understand that feeling unrelatable is a common thread among man...

I think that many narcissists and psychopaths exhibit this kind of behavior. I have come to the realization that as we get older we tend to be able to see such negative traits in humans faster than when we were young.

At the stage that I am at, I fell madly in love with a psychopath as well, within seconds years ago, I now realize that I would not ever have even wasted a thought about that person that tortured me for so many years if I had met him now. I mean now with my knowledge I would have been able to decipher his trickery with the first sentence he spoke, with the first mannerisms that he displayed.

We learn, but the shock of being hurt by a psychopath lasts a lifetime.

 

[joeylittle]

Now I'm trying to live my normal life with this new conscious awareness of the wretched past. I'm starting to be forgiving of myself but the lonliness runs deep.

I share this feeling. My trauma wasn't as extended as yours - but I did somehow manage to push it way down, and it was not part of my personal history for a very long time. Now that it is, I struggle with judging myself for having been able to do that - I believe there's something psychologically wrong with me, that I was able to push it down and build a life. I'm also afraid that if I share it, people will think differently of me, in ways that I'm not comfortable with. I'm pretty sure that just connects to part of the reason why I buried it to begin with - you might see if that's why you worry about what people will think, if they know.

Those old reasons are just old thoughts, and they aren't necessarily accurate or helpful. I've found CBT useful in challenging them. But yes, I still end up feeling very alone in it.

 

[Cannottakethis]

@Orion
I had an extremely abusive boyfriend for 2 + years. I met him as I was divorcing my bland boring husband, and his charismatic, exciting mannerisms drew me right in. He drew me in and then his violence and torture began. And I had the same Stockholm Syndrome response where i would protect him, even as I feared him. I isolated myself from everyone else to be available to him at all times. Looking back I feel so stupid for falling for him but I was the perfect pick. Some people say they would "never allow themselves to be treated that way" which makes me feel so bad. Nobody understands unless they've been there. I was completely brainwashed by him. It took years to get past and I don't think I'm completely over it yet and it's been 13 years.

 

[Sideways]

My abuser, 20 years ago, was also psychopathic with sadistic tendencies. And while I can recognise these days that I was abused, it's still a struggle just to write about him like that. I'm still struggling with my devotion to him - still fighting the urge to assure everyone that he was the nicest man I've ever known.

But I'm gaining insight. Takes time, takes a lot of cht thought-challenging. Some days it's still too hard; and I revert back to hoping that, wherever he is, he'd be proud of me and my devotion to what he taught me.

I think it's getting easier. Letting other people into my life, and allowing myself healthy relationships is one of my key goals. I think that would help dislodge some of those old beliefs a lot - having new; healthy relationships...But apart from my T? No one needs to know the detail. They wouldn't get it, and even today, when someone calls him a psychopath, I don't think I could stop myself from still leaping to his defence.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Can anyone relate to any of this?
How differently would you think of someone if they told you this was their history?

I can. My step dad and mother are the psychopaths, raised me in a cult. And I was advised I had Stolkholm Syndrome (not trauma bonding) by my therapist a few years ago. I would defend them and bite his face off and did so for years. I would never call them abusive or what they did abuse or bad or wrong or anything of the sort.

How Id see if it were someone else? Id see that it was horrible, torture, abuse, wrong, etc. I am "other" and "not like everyone else" in my brain. It was justified because it was done to me. I see myself as the psychopath because of what i started to do on my own without being forced.

It took me years to get to where i saw it as abuse and saw them as anything but good. I still see it justified and me as "other" but years of working with my therapist has gotten me to the tailend of Stolkholm. I still have that bite your face off reflex of sticking up for them but not near as bad.

My step dad would say he was in love with me and was going to marry me and my mom also gave me all of the affection in the mist of torture.

It's a big mixed up tangled up mess.

 

[Gs172003]

@Orion
I had an extremely abusive boyfriend for 2 + years. I met him as I was divorc...

I was in an abusive marriage that my mind only releases on occasion it's still so buried. Hell, I barely remember what the man looked like. That said, my sister called it "my mistake " and told me to forgive myself. Thanks sis.