C
Cizumu
I don't know how to start this and I'm not saying this to defend myself.. I'm trying to work on not lying, but I sometimes find it hard, so I'll just say it as is.
Due to my past, I saw lying as a way to stay safe and survive. If I told the truth(that they don't want to hear), I knew I'd get beaten up and if I was caught lying then even worse. So I learned how to lie very well. Of course starting out, it was very obvious I was lying and my abuser choked me so hard that it left a bruise on my neck and I passed out. I don't remember how old I was but I was younger than a second grader.
As I got better, I also became interested in psychology and how to read body language though due to my past, I have become sensitive to the emotions and behaviours of other people. If someone is upset, at me or not, I'll find them "scary" and I avoid them. I learned how to control my body, forced myself to express body language that an honest person would without making it forced. I've learned how to manipulate people, I've gotten better at stealing items, cheating, and being deceptive. When I was younger, I thought nothing of it since I did all of that during the years of my abuse.
The only reason I stopped stealing(on a daily basis) was because it got too easy which bore me. It was no longer fun.
It was noted that I had a rather distant or aloof appearance. I would seem cold and very selective with who I would show some level of affection toward, but at the same time make sure I kept relationships superficial. I didn't care for other people, and to be honest, I wouldn't have cared if they died. I feign emotions and affectionate behaviours just to get the people to trust me and come closer, and if I feel they need me to show weakness as well, I lie about it. Something realistic, sometimes weaving in a tiny bit of truth, but it's never the cold hard truth.
I learned that the best way to lie and make it seem believable, is don't put yourself on a pedestal. Don't make yourself the hero, but don't be so quick to blame yourself either. Be realistic and don't let yourself be such a big deal. I lied mainly to stay out of things and not get too involved with others.. relationships of any sort is complicated and just a mess.
Anyways. I've gotten older and I finally met someone that I care deeply for. She is an amazing friend and just the thought of her dying makes me cry myself to sleep. I can't stand it.. When I first met her, I definitely lied and manipulated her some, but I knew she wasn't stupid. I knew she wasn't an easy believer, and so I made sure to give false truths. But then we became closer, I actually liked her and she was quite entertaining, so I let her in closer.
With age, I also slowly stopped talking so much which meant less lying since there were little opportunities. I did not stop lying, I still do sometimes just to see the reactions of people. A few people thought I was mute, until I met her. I started talking again, laughing, and actually being animated..
Sorry, this has become an essay. If you haven't noticed, she is the main reason I am worried about this. I've noticed(and remembering this from before) that some days I enjoy lying. I feel almost like I'm on top of the world (not really, but my confidence level goes high and I feel like an asshole.) and that's when I'm lying left and right, invasive with my body language, manipulative, you name it. I enjoy it, I love watching the people squirm at how uncomfortable they become due to what I've said, and I love how they're all like puppets and I can tap on their strings. I don't make myself to be the one in the middle of the crowd since I have social anxiety and being center of attention scares me. I'm usually doing this to a few people or if I'm sitting near, in front of them. But even on those days, I don't do much to my friend.. besides, I've let her in close enough she's learned to notice my change in behavior and she'll sometimes play along.
Then there are other days where my confidence level is low. (it's not a sudden change. It takes time or sometimes if I'm having a good day, whatever that boosts my confidence, I return to being an ass.) I'll still lie, but I'm also less talkative, sometimes not at all. I'll look back on the days I am confident and call myself an "asshole." I hate that I am that way and I hate how I can so easily lie and be so believable. I'm not sure what this is really. I become a bit different when I am having a confident day. Since I am more talkative than usual, more of my not so favorable side of me comes out. Witty, brutally honest, manipulative, sharp tongue, sometimes even feigning compassion to make people I give a darn for them... When I'm not as confident, I can still be witty and crack morbid jokes. (my humor is dry by the way, probably because of me being able to lie well.) but I'm not as manipulative or brutally honest. I'm definitely a lot more quiet and soft spoken. I don't think this is another personality since I feel I have full control over both, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm just occasionally a jerk. I am trying to, at least, not lie to my friend but sometimes I just sputter lies, believable lies, and I'm scared to tell her that they aren't true. I can tell when she doesn't believe me and when she's lying, and I can tell that she truly believes these lies. Some are small and it really doesn't matter, but one day I slipped and gave in; I told her a somewhat big lie.
I don't know what this is so if any of you guys know anything about this, please let me know. Thank You.
Due to my past, I saw lying as a way to stay safe and survive. If I told the truth(that they don't want to hear), I knew I'd get beaten up and if I was caught lying then even worse. So I learned how to lie very well. Of course starting out, it was very obvious I was lying and my abuser choked me so hard that it left a bruise on my neck and I passed out. I don't remember how old I was but I was younger than a second grader.
As I got better, I also became interested in psychology and how to read body language though due to my past, I have become sensitive to the emotions and behaviours of other people. If someone is upset, at me or not, I'll find them "scary" and I avoid them. I learned how to control my body, forced myself to express body language that an honest person would without making it forced. I've learned how to manipulate people, I've gotten better at stealing items, cheating, and being deceptive. When I was younger, I thought nothing of it since I did all of that during the years of my abuse.
The only reason I stopped stealing(on a daily basis) was because it got too easy which bore me. It was no longer fun.
It was noted that I had a rather distant or aloof appearance. I would seem cold and very selective with who I would show some level of affection toward, but at the same time make sure I kept relationships superficial. I didn't care for other people, and to be honest, I wouldn't have cared if they died. I feign emotions and affectionate behaviours just to get the people to trust me and come closer, and if I feel they need me to show weakness as well, I lie about it. Something realistic, sometimes weaving in a tiny bit of truth, but it's never the cold hard truth.
I learned that the best way to lie and make it seem believable, is don't put yourself on a pedestal. Don't make yourself the hero, but don't be so quick to blame yourself either. Be realistic and don't let yourself be such a big deal. I lied mainly to stay out of things and not get too involved with others.. relationships of any sort is complicated and just a mess.
Anyways. I've gotten older and I finally met someone that I care deeply for. She is an amazing friend and just the thought of her dying makes me cry myself to sleep. I can't stand it.. When I first met her, I definitely lied and manipulated her some, but I knew she wasn't stupid. I knew she wasn't an easy believer, and so I made sure to give false truths. But then we became closer, I actually liked her and she was quite entertaining, so I let her in closer.
With age, I also slowly stopped talking so much which meant less lying since there were little opportunities. I did not stop lying, I still do sometimes just to see the reactions of people. A few people thought I was mute, until I met her. I started talking again, laughing, and actually being animated..
Sorry, this has become an essay. If you haven't noticed, she is the main reason I am worried about this. I've noticed(and remembering this from before) that some days I enjoy lying. I feel almost like I'm on top of the world (not really, but my confidence level goes high and I feel like an asshole.) and that's when I'm lying left and right, invasive with my body language, manipulative, you name it. I enjoy it, I love watching the people squirm at how uncomfortable they become due to what I've said, and I love how they're all like puppets and I can tap on their strings. I don't make myself to be the one in the middle of the crowd since I have social anxiety and being center of attention scares me. I'm usually doing this to a few people or if I'm sitting near, in front of them. But even on those days, I don't do much to my friend.. besides, I've let her in close enough she's learned to notice my change in behavior and she'll sometimes play along.
Then there are other days where my confidence level is low. (it's not a sudden change. It takes time or sometimes if I'm having a good day, whatever that boosts my confidence, I return to being an ass.) I'll still lie, but I'm also less talkative, sometimes not at all. I'll look back on the days I am confident and call myself an "asshole." I hate that I am that way and I hate how I can so easily lie and be so believable. I'm not sure what this is really. I become a bit different when I am having a confident day. Since I am more talkative than usual, more of my not so favorable side of me comes out. Witty, brutally honest, manipulative, sharp tongue, sometimes even feigning compassion to make people I give a darn for them... When I'm not as confident, I can still be witty and crack morbid jokes. (my humor is dry by the way, probably because of me being able to lie well.) but I'm not as manipulative or brutally honest. I'm definitely a lot more quiet and soft spoken. I don't think this is another personality since I feel I have full control over both, but I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm just occasionally a jerk. I am trying to, at least, not lie to my friend but sometimes I just sputter lies, believable lies, and I'm scared to tell her that they aren't true. I can tell when she doesn't believe me and when she's lying, and I can tell that she truly believes these lies. Some are small and it really doesn't matter, but one day I slipped and gave in; I told her a somewhat big lie.
I don't know what this is so if any of you guys know anything about this, please let me know. Thank You.
