Breakthroughs In Flashback Management

[jc3]

The act of grieving within a four step process in the midst of immense pain has revealed something very valuable. Because of grieving, in addition to critic shrinking, I know that I am building new neurological pathways because of the physical sensations I feel immediately after I repeat something in my mind or out loud to myself. While having a critic initiated flashback last week I began to desire punishment of some kind, which has been a behavior engaged upon for over a decade. When I grieve during flashbacks I weep over a lifetime of profound suffering and years worth of self abandonment and suicidal ideation. When I began to desire more pain last Wednesday I intervened in the process by reminding myself of EVERYTHING that I've put myself through and repeated "I've paid my dues and deserve NO MORE!!". Realistically I've never had ANY dues to pay in terms of self harm, but the critic is cunning and powerful just like the disease of addiction, and wants only pain. When I thought about a decades worth of self harm I felt a physical change in my solar plexus that was like a huge turn in the tides. It was like I went from shame, fear and anxiety to gratitude of epic proportions within a matter of 20 minutes. I might as well have climbed mount Everest and survived life threatening conditions at a peak higher than any other global wide. Because of grieving, reparenting and critic shrinking I have been able to reduce flashback pain from what used to be days and weeks of suffering to under an hour.

 

[EveHarrington]

:)

Sounds like you're really moving forward!

:hug:

 

[jc3]

:)

Sounds like you're really moving forward!

:hug:

Thank you. It is definite progress, but there's more work to be done.

 

[Sweet_E]

The act of grieving within a four step process in the midst of immense pain has revealed something very val...

Can you share any books or resources where you learned these techniques?

And Congratulations!!!!!! That is so awesome! Love to hear you're conquering this!

 

[Sweet_E]

The act of grieving within a four step process in the midst of immense pain has revealed something very val...

I will share something that worked for me today when I had a flashback: First, I went to a safe space in my house, got into crocodile pose from yoga, because it helps me feel safe and grounded. You basically lie on your belly, using your hands face down on the ground, as a place to rest you head/face. I let myself cry and scream, but did so while being a witness to what was happening, if that makes sense. I felt compassion and acceptance for myself and allowed myself to experience the pain. After that, I still felt angry-ish and I felt my blood, adrenaline, or cortisol (not really sure what exactly it is) coursing through my veins and I wanted to calm that down because I knew there was no real danger or emergency at this point and I wanted to take care of my health.

I fixed myself a glass of this drink that comes as a powder, called natural calm (I think) - it's basically a magnesium supplement and has a calming effect. I added a splash of an herbal tonic that I got from the farmers market - it has ashwaganda and tulsi in it. When I drank it, it felt like, "Oh this is what my body needs right now and this is good for me!"

I also diffused some essential oils. I used one called "Panic Button" by Aura Cacia which has neroli, rose and lavender.

I got my really heavy comforter, and wrapped myself in it like a burrito, like I was safe and cuddled.

Then I did alternate nostril breathing, which I learned from yoga.

The combination of all of these really calmed me down. We'll see if I am able to sleep tonight. That will be the real test. Usually if I have a flashback, it seems to create a physical reaction - maybe from the cortisol - where I can't sleep well. I will try my best to really pamper myself before bed and wind down really well for sleep. Let's hope it's good!

Regardless of the sleep situation, I'm happy that it literally took less than an hour to come out of it and I don't feel too bad now! It used to take days!

 

[jc3]

I will share something that worked for me today when I had a flashback: First, I went to a safe space i...

That is amazing, and your story reminds me a lot of what Pete Walker suggests in terms of flashback management. It is very important for us to be self nurturing in ways that you described when we feel such horrendous pain. Quite frankly, I am impressed!!! What helps me is a combination of techniques I've learned through years of therapy in addition to exercise, 12 step work, prayer, mindfulness practice and management tools for flashbacks that I acquired from the book "Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker. Mostly, I practice a lot of reparenting, grieving and critic shrinking when I am feeling very "small, helpless and alone" like Walker describes. But, I am very much interested in some of your practices too, along with the intrigue of yoga. I understand the benefit of "observing without judgement" like you described when you were lying flat on the floor and screaming. I believe there is something known as "scream therapy" but I know nothing about it. Thanks again for sharing your techniques and practices.

 

[Sweet_E]

That is amazing, and your story reminds me a lot of what Pete Walker suggests in terms of flashback managem...

I'm so excited to hear that some of the things you learned were from the Pete Walker book. I have the book too but still have to go through it.

Thanks so much for the nice compliment!

The screaming wasn't really something I ever purposely try to do, I just feel such anguish during a flashback that I literally need to scream sometimes. I think its a fine balance between feeding into that feeling and letting it escalate versus letting it happen and releasing it. I'm much better at just releasing it now and the screaming and crying episodes don't last nearly as long as they used to. I had practiced mindfulness on and off for many years and one day it just intuitively occurred to me that I should try it during a flashback. I'm not able to do it every time but it's such a great tool when I am able to do it and it teaches me so much about myself.

Of course after I logged off, after I wrote my previous post, I had a conflict with my husband which brought me right back into not a great place. Then I decided to bake a cake, LOL! I only ate a little of it and didn't go overboard. I've previously done the baking thing during a flashback- it gives me something else to focus on that feels pampering and comforting. I really don't eat sweets that much in general, but I give myself this luxury once in a while if I think it will be comforting to me. I don't know if I recommend baking to everyone, especially if there are issues with our relationship with food, but it seems to good for me once in a blue moon.

If you are interested in yoga, I so recommend it. Luckily I found a studio that believes in the full yoga philosophy - it's not just about the physical postures. I've learned so much about the connection between mind and body and associate different benefits with different poses. They also do yoga therapy so they are really good about being trauma sensitive in their classes. They always give you choices for how to do the poses so I always feel like I am in control of what I am doing. I don't feel pressured to do anything I'm not comfortable doing.

If you aren't able to find the right yoga studio, I highly recommend a lady on YouTube named Brett Larkin. Her yoga philosophy is very similar to the studio I go to. Although I don't think she does quite as much breathing exercises and mediation. I listen to her podcast called Yoga Hacks in the car all the time. She is great.

I also did movement therapy through a licensed counselor, not from the yoga studio. It was really challenging and I had a flashback during the session once. (No screaming there, LOL! Thank God!) But I feel like the yoga and movement therapy really help me to be present in my body. I'm now in the habit of, when I'm feeling good, to experiment with different dance type movements as I'm cleaning the house and listening to music and I pay attention to how the movement makes me feel. I try to be mindful of how different yoga poses feel emotionally and physically too.

Oh, and in one of the yoga workshops I went to they had us do this: Think of how you physically look when you are stressed. Then do that position in an exaggerated way. For me that meant slouching my back and shoulders as if I'm closing in, but I also physically close up and tense my pelvic area. Then they told us to experiment with different postures and find one that feels like the opposite. So I went into a supported bridge pose, which is laying on your back with your knees bent. But then you lift up your pelvis and rest that area on a yoga block underneath of you. I do this pose at home all the time now when I just need to unwind. It literally feels like the tension just drains out of me when I do it. It opens up and relaxes my pelvis in a comfortable way and also opens up my shoulders and upper back.

Another big thing I needed to figure out, since my husband sometimes triggers me, is I needed to explain to him that when I have a flashback, I'm not capable of having a conversation where I am able to reason or be very rational. Therefore, I let him know that, since I now can recognize when I'm having a flashback, I will let him know I'm having one, but I will go off and do what I need to do on my own to get through it. He likes to talk things out but I need to wait until after the flashback is over. If we've had a fight which triggered the flashback or resulted from the flashback, I cannot help him feel better during that time. He has to figure out ways to comfort himself until I can get through the flashback. It's tough having a flashback when you have a significant other in the house. I know he's not capable of helping me during a flashback yet - that is a really advanced skill. So sometimes when I'm having a flashback with him in the house, it feels very lonely and I feel like no one can help me. But then having a repertoire of things I can do for myself feels very empowering and comforting.

Jeez, sorry for the novel.

 

[jc3]

I'm so excited to hear that some of the things you learned were from the Pete Walker book. I have the b...

No apology necessary. I know that having CPTSD in a relationship is difficult, but I am glad that you have found ways to get through them and that your husband allows you alone time to cope. My ex also has the same condition so unfortunately we were both triggered at separate and identical times. Thank you for sharing everything. I highly recommend that you take the time (if possible) to read that book. Do you have any children? I don't bake, but when I take the time to prepare a meal I do feel the benefit of the activity of cooking similar to when I'm writing, or bowling or playing the drums. I'm without a computer right now, but I will look up that lady on YouTube once I introduce myself to the practice of yoga.

 

[MisterCatLady]

I know what you mean about that feeling in your solar plexus. I feel that after an intense therapy session.

 

[jc3]

I know what you mean about that feeling in your solar plexus. I feel that after an intense therap...

I'm glad you can empathize! It is quite an enjoyable thing, and I find that it occurs more and more after I continue the introspective work. That connection from mind to body is a very legitimate thing.

 

[Sweet_E]

No apology necessary. I know that having CPTSD in a relationship is difficult, but I am glad that you have...

I don't have kids but we want to have a baby. The odds are against us: I am 41, have health issues from the PTSD, and I'm not even able to have sex yet! LOL But I did so well with overcoming one of my other major triggers, that I'm feeling confident about tackling the sexual intimacy issue. I started reading a book by Wendy Maltz, which I hesitate to recommend, as the book describes other people's traumas and it was a bit disturbing. However, she has a technique for relearning touch. She also has videos on youtube that are very cheesy, but the concepts she describes make sense to me. My husband and I are currently on a strictly no touching whatsoever phase. This has actually reduced my stress tremendously and even reduced his stress, because he does not have to guess what is going to trigger me. We both agree that this is very temporary. I'm talking to my wellness coach about strategies for doing exposure therapy using the touching exercises in the book. The exercises start out with kinda corny but "safe" activities. One of them is basically playing patty cake. You work up to more sexual stuff. So all that to say, no we don't have kids, but I'd like to try to start a family, even if we adopt, once I'm in a good place. I anticipate that having a child will retrigger some stuff once they reach a certain age. I'm cautiously optimistic that having a family is possible. I have quit my job and am able to take unemployment due to quitting for health reasons. So now I can delay having to work, and can fully focus on healing. I will probably just look for low stress part time jobs initially - I'm not trying to milk the system.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

The act of grieving within a four step process in the midst of immense pain has revealed something very val...

This is fantastic...nice work & great self awareness!