Death In The Family And Depression

[Teddy Bear]

This last Monday the 14th, my uncle died suddenly from a heart problem in the middle of the night. His funeral is tomorrow. I won't be able to make it as it is being held 8 hours from me and I have to be at work. I am a facility manager at a group home and I really can't just take time so suddenly. I have to be here for the teen boys that I work with but I am also needed by my family. I am torn and have been crying day in and day out. Last night I only got 2 hours of sleep and have been working since 6 am today. Needless to say I am a bit tired and have been depressed all week. I had a hard struggle last night as I laid in bed wondering wether life was really worth it anymore. I have been to therapy a couple months ago and was able to leave as my therapist saw that I had made great strides and no longer needed her, but right now I feel like all those 'strides' I made have disappeared. The only one keeping me going right now is my wife who has been there for me on her days off and has held me countless times as I cry. She works at night and works the same days I do so she isn't home when I am needing to sleep. I have kept her well informed of where I am at in my mental state and how I am doing, but she can only do so much. She can't wave a magic wand and make it all go away.

 

[gealach]

Condolences on the loss of your uncle. I hope you feel better soon, and can get some time to be with your family.

 

[Teddy Bear]

Condolences on the loss of your uncle. I hope you feel better soon, and can get some time to be with...

Thank you. Today they held his service and I was unable to make it. There is a saddening that I cannot shake but I am trying to look happy on the outside so the kids I work with are not brought down by me.

 

[gealach]

It's okay to be sad... it's how you really feel about the loss of someone you really care about. I wish you much comfort.

 

[Teddy Bear]

It's okay to be sad... it's how you really feel about the loss of someone you really care about. I wi...

I just feel like I have to keep a fake smile on around others. I have had this feeling for years and years now and find that it is easier to lie than to tell the truth and expose the worst inside. The only person I am ever my true self is with my wife. I feel like if I am not happy on the outside than people literally avoid me like the plague. I have experienced this happen a couple of times and it brings shattering pain to my heart with an aftertaste of anger because I feel like I'm being ridiculed for having real feelings.

 

[gealach]

just feel like I have to keep a fake smile on around others. I have had this feeling for years and years now and find that it is easier to lie than to tell the truth and expose the worst inside.

I completely identify with that. I'm a master of the public fake smile.

I'm glad you have your wife, and the people in this forum, so that you can truly be you... and express your feelings without ridicule or other BS. Unfortunately, you can't work through feelings that you can't express.

 

[Teddy Bear]

I completely identify with that. I'm a master of the public fake smile.

I'm glad you have your wife,...

Very true. Those that do care and are concerned ask a thousand questions and that makes me feel worse because I hate having to explaining myself.

 

[gealach]

Very true. Those that do care and are concerned ask a thousand questions and that makes me feel wors...

Have you thought about starting a trauma diary on the forum? It can be helpful just to get everything out of your head.

 

[Teddy Bear]

Have you thought about starting a trauma diary on the forum? It can be helpful just to get everything...

A trauma diary? Doesn't sound like a bad idea. I'll have to look into that.