Relationship Advice Needed For Supporter In Relationship

[Newtoptsd]

Hi there,

I've been dating a vet for around three months now, from day one he's been honest about his PTSD and I know he's still battling it everyday. He recently went to rehabilitation for two weeks worth of therapy, when he came back we were scheduled to see each other but it didn't happen. He came across a bit abrupt and was trying to get me to say that I wanted him to commit to me. I gave him some space for a few days and then he messaged to say he hadn't ignored me on purpose and he'd been feeling off key. I was understanding and said he only needed to ask for space, he then ended things with me saying he didn't want to hurt me or lead me on when he's not in a place to be anything else. I spoke to him on the phone and asked him to take it day by day to which he said he would think about it.
He came round yesterday hungover from a night on the sauce and wasn't in a good way, I looked after him and spent the day and night with him. I'm starting to feel guilty that I may have pushed him into still communication/seeing me when maybe he didn't want to full stop? Can anyone out there offer any reassurance or advice?
I really really do care for him and I've educated myself on PTSD by buying books, listening to podcasts and from looking on forums like this. Have I done the right thing? I want the best for him not necessarily what makes me the happiest!

 

[Justmehere]

He came across a bit abrupt and was trying to get me to say that I wanted him to commit to me. I gave him some space for a few days and then he messaged to say he hadn't ignored me on purpose and he'd been feeling off key.

What do you mean he was trying to get you to say...? Did he flat out ask you to commit to him?

You also describe that you feel guilty for pushing him to communicate but then didn't describe anything you did to push for communication.

My hunch is that you and him need to talk about what is going on for him - more communication, less assumptions and trying to guess and read what is in each other's minds, on both sides.

 

[Newtoptsd]

What do you mean he was trying to get you to say...? Did he flat out ask you to commit to him?

You...

He always says 'you want me to be your boyfriend don't you' and 'I can't give you what you want' even though I have never asked him for anything. I've never tried to get him to commit to me, I just want to take things one day at a time for him and me.

I think you're right though, more communication and less assumption on both parts!

 

[Justmehere]

That's rather confusing as to what he is saying...

I think you and him should talk through expectations and where you are both at - and for you to be clear what you do and do not want. When you tell him you want to take it "day by day" rather than be committed partners, you are communicating a want.

You do have wants and needs in the relationship.

If you don't, and the relationship is alll about him, him, him... then it's not a relationship between two adults. Is juts him and his needs. As a sufferer, I find people like that to be hard to be in relationship with. Clear communications of wants and limits/boundaries helps. As a supporter, I try to be a full person in the relationship with sufferers in my own life.

Therapy often leads to a spike in symptoms, and transitioning down from higher level of care to a lower level of care is difficult for a lot of sufferers. The fact that he relapsed and got drunk is a sign he is struggling and it likely has to do with the PTSD -- it's not as likely that it's all about you pushing him, if you did push him at all. And if you did ask for communication, and he didn't communicate a boundary that you pushed past, then I don't see anything you have done wrong. It's up to him to manage his own boundaries. You can't and shouldn't try to do it for him. It's important for him to do it for himself.

 

[Newtoptsd]

That's rather confusing as to what he is saying...

I think you and him should talk through expecta...

These are all very valid points - thank you! I think in order for me to be the best I can to support him I need to stop over-thinking everything I am doing as well as stop over-analyzing his actions. If he didn't want to speak to me or see me then he wouldn't and currently he's readjusting to life after constant treatment so I need to be wary of his needs and space at the moment.

Thank you so much ... always reassuring to hear ones wise words to stop my panicking so I can make life more enjoyable for him :)

 

[Justmehere]

It's super easy to over think things. I do it all the time. Don't forget about making life enjoyable for you. It's essential as a supporter. Honor your real needs and wants just as much as you seek to accommodate his - it really will help you both. :hug:

 

[questionsaboutrel]

Hi there,

I've been dating a vet for around three months now, from day one he's been honest about hi...

Hi Newtoptsd,

My situation is very similar to yours. When I met my boyfriend, he agreed to be in a committed relationship relatively quickly (2 or 3 weeks of seeing each other) and we chugged along for nearly a year pretty well, albeit with outbursts and random day-long "breakups" (I now realize he was asking for space) on his part. During this time, he would frequently mention further commitment like marriage and kids as a future possibility for us.

More recently, due to both actions on my part and also changes in his world that I'm sure have upset his balance, we've been in a really rough patch for the last couple of months. We're talking about push-pull and breakup type fights once a week or even more. But that's besides the point. During some of these times, he brought up how disillusioned he had become with dating in general and that he had no interest in commitment, ever. I pointed out how frequently he used to talk about a future for us as what he wanted, and he said this: "Well, maybe that was what I wanted aspirationally, like what I wanted ideally in some world, but it's never going to actually happen. It doesn't matter what I want." And things of that nature. It frustrated me, of course, because he had been really specific during the good times about the nature of us potentially committing. It wasn't "aspirational", it was real at the time.

The point is, PTSD makes many sufferers feel a great deal of hopelessness. The reason why this may come up over commitment is because, in times of this despair, many cannot imagine a happy future for themselves, let alone one where they have a committed partner. Even though you didn't ask for commitment, he felt that you had expectations and that may have freaked him out.

One thing I read in an article on here was that in these moments, perhaps the best thing to do to actually talk is to ask for a meeting for "closure" or just in a friendly way - so that there's no romantic pressure at all, or even the pressure of an expectation of a next meeting. This may not work, but if you really want to be able to iron out this miscommunication, it's a strategy you might try.

 

[Thizette]

PTSD sufferer in full agreement with @Justmehere . It's up to us to manage our symptoms and communicate our needs, and relationships work better when you are communicating your needs, too. Let us know what your boundaries are and what you need up front and let us decide if we can work with that, and you should expect the same from your partner.

I applaud you for researching the condition--not a lot of supporters actually take the time for research, in my experience.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Hi Newtoptsd,

My situation is very similar to yours. When I met my boyfriend, he agreed to b...

Hi Questionsaboutrel,

Thank you so much for your reply, it sounds very similar to my situation. Although we haven't committed at the moment and probably won't until quite further down the line, he has many times said he can't wait to get married and have babies, then sometimes says he doesn't think he can make anyone happy etc.

When I asked him for a meeting to talk he flat out refused and said it wouldn't be fair to see me. I gave him a few days space and then he messaged to end it but I spoke to him on the phone and managed to reassure him and he said he would think about it. Then as I said he came to see me on the Sunday and he wasn't in the best way. I love being there for him and do not find it a burden at all.

I'm currently battling with myself as to how often to message and if it's now acceptable to ask him what his plans are at the weekend etc. I guess as you have all said .... I need to communicate with him. I do feel like I'm scared to ask him anything in case he does flip and then decides to end everything and cut me off so I'll try to be strategic about my approach and make it seem more casual than definite.

I wish I could offer you some advice or solace in your time of need, however as you said they often cannot see their future being a happy one. If you went through a year where everything was fairly level and ok then you know you can get to that point again. Is he actively seeking more therapy at this time?

x

 

[Newtoptsd]

PTSD sufferer in full agreement with @Justmehere . It's up to us to manage our symp...

Hi Thizette,

Thank you so much for your advice, there have been a few days where my man hasn't communicated very well and I have just said 'would it be ok on those days you don't want to communicate with me that you send me a txt to say you're having a bad day so I can give you some space' to which he agreed. However recently I've picked up on when he's not in the mood to communicate through how he messages. If he responds with emojis then he's not in a chatty mood and I give him space.

I'm taking a bit of time this week to focus on me so I can be happier which will hopefully reflect his moods. When I'm down or overthinking I know he can sense it and it makes him more panicky/makes him withdraw from me!

x

 

[questionsaboutrel]

Hi Questionsaboutrel,

Thank you so much for your reply, it sounds very similar to my situation. Alth...

You might get cut off. You might want to think of a way to ask to see him in which him needing space isn't a problem -- like saying, "If you're not ready to see me yet, you can just not reply." That may be helpful - I've seen PTSD sufferers on here describing anxiety about replying if someone is constantly asking how they're doing or what they are up to when they are in an isolation phase.

Thanks for your concern on my part. I'm coming to grips with the toxicity factor that PTSD brings to relationships, and I'm trying to remind myself of this and to not change my life one way or another based on what he does. I think this graphic is helpful for me - it's on Part 3 of the blog "How PTSD Disrupts Relationships" if you want to search for it. This forum won't let me post the link because I'm a relatively new member.

Where it mostly gets messy is talking with other people. For example, we met each other's families early on and spent the holidays together last year. So this year, when my parents ask if he'd like to come over for Thanksgiving, is he my boyfriend, etc. - it's hard to explain that we were talking last week but that this week, he's not interested! Many people don't understand and that's one of the biggest challenges I know I face.

I hope you are able to find peace for right now - I know it's hard to stop worrying about your person :)

 

[RaeMason]

Hi Thizette,

Thank you so much for your advice, there have been a few days where my man hasn't commu...

Good for you! I've been with my combat vet for a while, and I can tell you, its really amazing how much your mood and how you feel about yourself really affects your vet. When I'm stressed out or having a bad day, he picks up on it and HE gets stressed out too and anxious. Taking time for yourself to make sure you're mentally in a good place has a huge impact on your relationship and how your vet feels about himself.
In my relationship, we've learned how to deal with our emotions and learned how to better ourselves in order to make our family more successful. It just gets so destructive when we both are not in a good place emotionally, so we know now how to communicate how we feel (which is huge for him) and how to manage our emotions on our own without bringing the other person down. As weird as it is, my vet and I are more successful and happy together when we take time away from one another to better ourselves as individuals. So when we come together we're both strong, happy, and can feed off each others good healthy vibes.