I Want To Start Over

[Toadette]

So, I haven't been on here in a while. I come on here only when I need something it seems. I feel like that's a pattern in my life and I'm sorry.

Things were going okay, I've been motivated and have been seeing reward for it. Felt like life was going okay and that I was finally okay in myself. It might be the winter but my mood has dropped again. I dug up some old family videos because I want to get them made into a DVD. I worry about them deteriorating and being lost forever. Before I did, I spent ages finding a VHS player and getting it to work.

There are two tapes, one is of me from age 1-2, the other tape is 3-4. They're happy tapes. At first I liked seeing them and looking at happy times. But I felt like there was something very wrong. I kept thinking of them and wanting to cry. I thought in a way it was therapeutic to see myself in a nice way like that- as a cute little kid. But it just made right now feel awful.

I can't quite type out how I feel exactly but this is what I messaged my boyfriend when I watched them again tonight and cried

"well I just feel like I ruined everything and it really hurts me to see that at one time everyone loved me and thought I was great and then the eye thing happened (NOTE:when I was born one of my eyes was inwards, had an operation to change it when I was 4) and people could just start to tell in general as I got older that I'm defective and maybe I was wrong about my mam and she was trying her best its just that she was frustrated for getting stuck with THIS kid. I feel like at one point I just stopped being cute and nobody loved me anymore. I feel like I'm the cause of a lot of problems in the family. I feel like all I am is a reminder that the happy times are over and I just drain everyone. I know the winter has my head all messed up but I really feel like I don't want to be here
I feel like nothing I do or achieve makes up for the embarrassment I am. I know its me being stupid but everything seems to lead back to that for me."

It seems irrelevant but when I was 12 I got a bad fright off a scary video on the internet. After that I would panic if I was ever in a room by myself. When I went to tell my mam I was scared she would get really angry with me and shout at me and lose her temper. Don't want to get into the details. During the videos watching my mam cuddle me and everything back when I was cute made this memory worse because she must have clicked on that I'm just pathetic and I couldnt even be cute anymore.

I just want to go back to before everyone stopped loving me.To before all the bad stuff. No matter what happens in life I feel like it doesn't matter and that I have some kind of obligation to kill myself. I can't envision things going any other way. I feel like I have already outstayed my welcome. I don't want to be an embarrassment anymore. I can't seem to make this okay.

 

[BlueOrange]

Firstly: I only come here when I want something that I can't get anywhere else. So I don't mind that we have that in common.

I've seen old film of myself (super 8, from before home video), and it showed me being happy. And it's true that there were times when I was happy. It's also true that there were times when I was hurt and scared, and my parents didn't give me what I needed.

They wanted to be good to me. They loved me the best they knew how. But they were unable to raise me in a way that didn't fracture my brain. (My dad's PTSD wasn't even suspected until he was 50, which made it a bit late for him to be the parent I needed.)

I suspect your mother did indeed do the best that she could do. But it's not your fault if that wasn't enough for your needs. It's not her fault either. It just sucks.

I'm sure that if we look at the most recent few years of your life, it's possible to find half an hour where you looked happy. That video shows a thin slice of the truth, not the whole truth.

 

[Gs172003]

So, I haven't been on here in a while. I come on here only when I need something it seems. I feel like...

You ARE worthy, you do deserve love and I'm sorry you don't feel like you get it

 

[Toadette]

Firstly: I only come here when I want something that I can't get anywhere else. So I don't mind that...

You're right, and our experiences seem to be similar. I know logically I'm looking back through a rose tinted camera lense but I guess it made me realise quite how much I crave the love I saw on the videos. I just want to make being here worthwhile and make that baby be someone it is good to be. Just hard sometimes. Thank you x

You ARE worthy, you do deserve love and I'm sorry you don't feel like you get it

Thank you, It's hard for me to see it sometimes now especially in comparison to then

 

[Gs172003]

You're right, and our experiences seem to be similar. I know logically I'm looking back through a rose...

People tend to coddle babies because they are so innocent and needy. The older kids get the less they tend to be coddled. That doesn't excuse the lack of feeling loved

 

[EveHarrington]

If you feel guilty about being a taker and not a giver, there's an easy solution.

Stop only taking.

Start giving.

It's a pretty easy thing, really.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So, I haven't been on here in a while. I come on here only when I need something it seems. I feel like that's a pattern in my life and I'm sorry.

This site is a support site and is here for your support as its here for my support and everyone else's support. Just because you only ask for support doesn't mean that's a bad thing. You can't offer support right now. Ok, you will when you can.

There are two tapes, one is of me from age 1-2, the other tape is 3-4. They're happy tapes. At first I liked seeing them and looking at happy times. But I felt like there was something very wrong. I kept thinking of them and wanting to cry. I thought in a way it was therapeutic to see myself in a nice way like that- as a cute little kid. But it just made right now feel awful.

I know that feeling! I have real young pictures of me that are super cute, 2 and 3 yrs old ish and I can't look at them and not feel sad and rageful and a bunch of other horrible things.

I just want to go back to before everyone stopped loving me.To before all the bad stuff. No matter what happens in life I feel like it doesn't matter and that I have some kind of obligation to kill myself. I can't envision things going any other way. I feel like I have already outstayed my welcome. I don't want to be an embarrassment anymore. I can't seem to make this okay

Man do I know this feeling! No real words on how to get past this but know I fully understand this feeling 100%!! :hug:

 

[Toadette]

If you feel guilty about being a taker and not a giver, there's an easy solution.

Stop only tak...

Yeah, I know that, and I will. I've commented on a couple or so threads before but idk, I feel kind of hypocritical when I try to give people advice when I have trouble comprehending the same stuff myself? In the past couple of years I've tried to give a lot more, but I will try to come on here more often to help out :tup:

This site is a support site and is here for your support as its here for my support and every...

Thank you, feel a bit better this morning. It makes me feel even better again that you understand. I have this big feeling that there's something I'm supposed to take away from these videos but I'm not sure what...

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Toadette , I think you were lovable all along.

Maybe you saw yourself as not lovable after bad things happened? :(

That child IS you.

Ps, Fwiw, I get the eye thing- 2 surgeries later and can't get third, only lasted about 6 years each time-- helps with sleep I don't get much. I felt the same straight or crossed. Most bizarre thing is, get called beautiful, & beautiful eyes all the time- huh? :O_o: -Wholly bizarre. But, everyone has 'bedroom eye(s)' making love (if nose-to-nose), maybe that's it? :hilarious:. Same thing seems to apply to bedhead. :roflmao: What I mean is. there's no rhyme or reason to it. :rolleyes:

I'm sorry the tapes made you cry. :( But , that's probably a healing thing. Self-compassion. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Yeah, I know that, and I will. I've commented on a couple or so threads before but idk, I feel kind of...

You're not hypocritical. Nobody here is an expert on PTSD (well I guess I should say most of us aren't!)--------but get this--------at the same time we ALL have knowledge about PTSD that no "expert" trained in trauma possesses (unless they have/had PTSD themselves) because there is SO much that you know/learn from experiencing things firsthand that you simply cannot learn in a book and cannot learn through training. If you ever feel that you can't help someone, just remember that sharing your experience and/or what has helped you personally can be incredibly helpful to someone else. Or you can just lend support. A lot of my posts simply say " :hug: " because I want people to feel heard and supported. Sometimes just a simple hug can go a long way. You don't need to have it all figured out (or even much of anything figured out) in order to help someone else. A listening ear and words of support, even "I know how that feels" can really help someone. You are a valued member here! Some people may be further along in healing or have more knowledge about therapy and coping skills, but everyone's input is valuable. I don't want you to feel forced to reply to people, rather I'm saying that you really can make a difference even without having things figured out. :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I feel kind of hypocritical when I try to give people advice when I have trouble comprehending the same stuff myself?

You know what? Helping you helps me! I will tell others stuff that I too need to hear. I will advise others to do things I can't do yet. It isn't hypocritical as that would be "you MUST do XYZ" when you also can't do XYZ. Or saying you must do XYZ when you don't (not can't). But saying this and that would be good. Though you can't do it yet, you are recongizing that this and that is healthy and in many ways is how I have moved foward. Talking to others (whether on my threads or theres) about an area I also struggle with a lot of times helps me to untangle my mess.

Example would be "it is healthy to not allow what others think of you to shape what you think of yourself but to understand whom you are by first seeing your attibutes and understanding that you are indeed and good person that tries to help everyone". Something I have advised many times (not the exact wording) but something I stuggle with horribly. Other's opinions of me shape how I see me. But does that fact make that statement any less true? Nope. Does it make it less of what one needs to hear to then help them work out some things? Nope. Does it make me hypocritical? Nope. And it helps both me and you.

That was the first thing I thought of. The examples are infident.

So you aren't hypocritical. Think about helping others as also then helping you in the same area.

But, if you don't feel comfortable, don't rush it. Make sure you feel comfortable first.

Just my opinions/2 cents.

 

[Tinyflame]

That's a beautiful thing to say @EveHarrington .