Decisions

[shimmerz]

I have a thread out there about bone chilling cold which was happening when I went into work. I haven't worked at the office since I made the decision that it was, in fact, a form of self harm if I continued to put myself through that. That in itself has been a ride.

Today, this morning, because my SO had asked me for help with something, I sat down and started to do it. It is pretty mindless; putting together a bunch of information so that he can make sales calls. So, I searched for potential clients in our area and was good for about 5 pages of typed information.

Now, I haven't had this 'bone chilling cold' thing since I left the office crying a couple of weeks back. This was my first kick at the can since then. And..... 5 pages in, not realizing what I was doing, I threw on a hugely heavy sweatshirt. Then I realized that my feet were really freaking cold. This was 2 hours after I started working on it.
So I curled up under my blanket and then realized.... OMG..... I was working and here we go again. Bone chilling freaking cold! Yes, this is a reaction to something! But what?

I started again about an hour later and started to feel it again after another half and hour. But I was mindful this time as to what I was doing. And I got it. I was trying to make a decision! Do I put this person on the list or not?

Then the flashbacks came. And about 10 years ago (when I developed PTSD), I was being stalked and harassed. And I made a decision at that time that changed everything. For the worse. And I kept calling myself an idiot for it. I won't go into details..... but I realized that my avoidance started right at that moment in time. It was after that that I could no longer decide about what to do about anything. Nadda. Zilch. So I lock myself in the house and I don't make plans for any day so I don't have to feel that feeling of making a wrong choice. Somehow I have come to 'no decision is better than a bad decision.'

I mean, honestly, I have a hard time doing food shopping because I can't decide what to buy! I will sit in front of the soup section for literally a half an hour because I am afraid of picking the wrong soup! I get it now!

So my question is, does anyone else here feel like maybe they can't make decisions because of a fear that they will make a wrong decision that is stuck in the brain as a life or death thing? Has anyone battled this and gotten to a solution for it?

 

[Abstract]

Well done for figuring it out! :) That's fabulous work.

Yes I realised in the past that I was terrified of decisions and terrified of telling people my choices. Mine really isn't bad anymore but I have been working on it for around 8 years now. I basically did exposure. Shamefully the only thing that worked in the beginning and still at times is to speak to myself comfortingly like a small child. Not something I am comfortable about at all. Shameful. I initially thought it was just perfectionism and the self critic but later realised it was bigger than that. Its also what stops me doing things. Can't say that mine is the same as yours of course but I relate.

 

[scout86]

YES! I have a few approaches. One is to procrastinate until time over takes me and the decision gets made without me making it. :bag: Sometimes I run through the actual dynamic of what going on in my head, compare then to now, realize it's a different situation, consider what's the worst thing that could happen now, etc. (Slow going, but it works pretty well.) Sometimes I just decide, "Oh, what the heck, I'm going to screw this up anyway, I'm just going to do what ever I darn please, to hell with 'em if they can't take a joke!" :roflmao: (How that works out varies wildly.)

 

[WillyKat]

Wow! Good sleuthing that one. Love it when that happens...rarely!

Chocolate time!

 

[mamachick]

Wow, I had not thought about it this way and yet there are some real similarities in what happened to me.
I feel that all my power was taken away that day. I really thought I was making a "good decision" in my being calm and instead the situation escalated and led to my ptsd. I have been going round and round ever since, never getting closure because I can't seem to follow through with any decision. I can see now how I don't trust myself to make a competent decision.

I can't pick soup either. I stay in the house and live in a cocoon.

 

[ninja]

Yes. And I have resorted to eenie meenie miinie mo, particularly in the grocery store. Also downloaded an app on my phone that allows me to input the choices and it will colorfully and randomly select one for me. I am at a point now where these trivial tactics work because usually I've done more than enough thinking to narrow it down such that either choice really will be okay. I did however try this when I was attempting to decide whether to cross a crosswalk when there was no longer a comfortable enough timeframe left for me to cross and was almost hit by a car. After that I learned that in those types of situations, if I am going to risk crossing, I need to look around and that will help inform me as to what to do. I find generally stepping back, taking a few soothing breaths, and looking around works for most cases and find it then becomes more about whether I can take the additional stimuli in. If I can't maybe that means I have absolutely overdone it. Take really good care. :)

 

[mamachick]

I have not had the benefit of much counseling since this 8 yrs ago this December. Even after hospitalization for overdose, the release treatment plan was denied by insurance. I think I have fallen through every crack there is until I just resolved stuck, afraid to make a move, to move from the house where it occurred, to divorce my then separated husband, to find closure in any respect. I am convinced I can not live on my own. I raised 3 kids on my own and got a masters degree at night, but I can't make it on my own. I sound nuts....I think I am.

Im afraid to buy milk because I often don't drink it and throw it away after expiration and then criticize myself for a bad purchase. Same with many foods. How do I push for a divorce from an abusive controlling man when I can't even buy milk.

My adult daughter has also pounded my mistakes into me, I think she has a list somewhere of every mistake I have ever made. She has said that I don't make any good decisions since this event. I bought a bed after this due to pain. She ridiculed me in front of company stating there was nothing wrong with the one I had. Once I was having a conversation outside with my friend about painting my kitchen when my daughter came home and heard, she screamed that I was a f....ing idiot and moron. (since also talking about selling the house). My friend got scared and left. I haven't made any good decisions since this event. Like there is a damn curse on me.

This is a really good thread. Thank you. I have a new counselor next week-someone I have a counseling history with and was very helpful.

 

[aut555]

I noticed that anything that may involve my abusive ex triggered anxiety then l would backslide into pushing away decisions that should be made, actions that should done. But now that l see that as avoidance, and l head right in now to take responsibility, make a choice and except the consequences no matter what. Take that Avoidance! Back into your bat cave, leave me alone. Lol

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Yep, I struggle with this. Many times I am over taken by it. I can't decide what to eat so I don't eat at all. I can't decide what to buy so I don't buy anything.

For decisions I can't excape, I try to list pros and cons and then close my eyes and just do it but second guess myself over and over after. Why did you decide this dummy?

This also shows itself in my job. I know what I am doing. I've been in this business since dial up days. Forever basically. But I second guess myself all of the time and struggle to sound confident. And no confidence and customers run all over you. It is rather important.

What street to take. Got caught in traffic, I should have gone the other way or decided to leave sooner.

I haven't found one solution but going slower and breaking things down much smaller and even listing pros and cons helps me a lot.

You did good at investigating this. My bone chillin cold happens for a different reason. But growing up in an impossible situation does leaves me now very crippled in making decisions. My brain over takes me where each path is the wrong path. So making it smaller makes it easier and less brain activity happens.

Also posting it here (or asking for help) as others aren't caught up in that impossible brain acitivity (only way I can explain it) so many times others can see it much more clearer. My therapist is good at this too and helps me to see it differently which then helps in decision making. He has been a huge help, most especially with big life changing decisions. So don't hesitate to ask for help.

 

[shimmerz]

I had tons of flashes yesterday. I think I have the moment that I stopped trusting myself to think things through properly. Prior to that, I made decisions like nobody's business. Important ones. On behalf of myself and on behalf of others. But this one situation...... well, I think that is when I started to incessantly call myself an idiot as well.

And I recognize that this has invaded every single space in my brain for a long time. Ever since that incident.... It drives everything. The tiniest minutia of my thoughts. 'Whatever you do, don't make a decision.....because your life will be ruined if you do.' I can't list to you the things that I have not done in these past years. How this brain program has stopped me from enjoying anything.... or doing even the smallest thing that is 'my choice'. I can see how this type of thought pattern leads to a wicked case of codependence OR severe and chronic isolation.

I worked through the flashes yesterday. I EFT'd it, and I realized that yes, it was a mistake but an honest one. I was being bombarded like crazy by these freaks. Self compassion, you know?

So I had gotten myself to the point that I was finally able to go over to the resort around the corner and sign up. Something I haven't been able to do since February and that my SO has been encouraging almost daily since then.

As I drove into the parking spot by the front doors, I caught myself and my thinking pattern. 'Maybe I should wait until Wednesday, when I have bought a bathing suit. What if I can't find one? Then this will have been a waste of time and money. That lady said the pool was too small here, maybe I should try the Best Western. What if the pool is a chlorine pool? What if it is busy all the time. "

Goddamm, no wonder I am exhausted! All of that and more just to do something I love to do (swim).

Anyway, long story short, I did sign up and caught myself again sabotaging this at that time as well! So it is a pattern I have gotten myself into. I need to keep catching these thoughts and reminding myself that NOT making a decision, is, in fact, making a decision as well.

@brat17 , it sounds to me like your daughter is caught up in an abuse by proxy thing. Perhaps taking her father's side? Doesn't really matter why, but I so feel for you and the incredibly negative influence this must be having you in. My love goes out to you my friend. I get it.

Thank you all very much. I may post more on here, just to document how it is going and what I am attempting in order to break the pattern.

 

[shimmerz]

Chocolate time!

By gawd, I think you've got it! Of course! Chocolate time!

 

[shimmerz]

terrified of telling people my choices.

Jeez, I hadn't thought of this one. Thank you @Abstract!