I Get So Angry

[Gs172003]

At my husband. All the time. And don't know why or how to control it. I'm not violent but I do get mean. To be fair our marriage has not been the best but I'm not sure that that's why. What do I do?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What do I do?

Well, many things.

First, is it real anger or is it spiked anxiety?

Anger: Here's a great thread:

Dealing With Anger

DBT helps me to level off and regulate all of my emotions:

The one I own:

Dead Link Removed

On anger:

Dead Link Removed

Just a few things that can help.

 

[shimmerz]

Is it anger over the same types of things?

Are you angry at others too or is it just him?

 

[Gs172003]

Well, many things.

First, is it real anger or is it spiked anxiety?

Anger: Here's a great t...

Honestly... I don't know. I can't identify it. It's the in going to cuss you out and leave stay away from me but I want to hit you thing. But it stays even when I'm not with him. I can usually tell if im anxious.

 

[Gs172003]

Maybe it's feeling threatened?

 

[Gs172003]

Well, many things.

First, is it real anger or is it spiked anxiety?

Anger: Here's a great t...

I need to try this dbt thing so many swear by it

 

[Ronin]

What are your safe outlets for letting anger out?

Some that aren't your husband, I mean.

(Or, when daaarned pissed off at people, and all the time? I try to go for doing something I don't need many people in. Or in which it's people I can tolerate, and/or that inspire other reactions than anger. In all the meantime? Distances to where I can't harm a fly work. Even if I'm going to end up a cussing ball of rage and barely coherent rants about everybody and everything sucking.)

 

[watundah]

My spouse and I can both have short tempers and I hate it, too. I think it is a lot better in recent years because I let a lot of things go. It feels like she is trying to pick a fight sometimes and I refuse to bite but even that leaves my stomach in knots.

I think one problem is my parents fought all of the time and I never learned problem resolution skills. Also, we get pissy over stupid stuff like tone of voice, attitude, rather than money, kids, housework.

I wish there was a pause button. I know some suggest a time out til everyone can calm down but it is too easy to be off and running.

It may be feeling threatened, defensive, needing to protect, fight or flight. Id love to figure it out, too!

 

[Gs172003]

What are your safe outlets for letting anger out?

Some that aren't your husband, I mean.

(Or, when daaar...

I haven't found those yet

 

[Andrew Harrison]

You are beautiful because you love someone enough to write you are fearful-
You want to be free
I think you have love so you are free

The people we focus VOLUME on are the ones we trust or need
A marriage is two people and you are working at it and I bet your husband loves you

I go for a walk if my wife is unhappy, which is often, so I feel ya

I hope my OWN wife can someday communicate to me the same thing like you wrote. That means I hang on even though she is worse to me. I hold on because I want to win the game of life & save the day, every day

Good luck

 

[Gs172003]

You are beautiful because you love someone enough to write you are fearful-
You want to be free...

Thank you

 

[joeylittle]

Honestly... I don't know.

I'm not sure there's a difference.

Emotions usually show up in pairs - there's the primary response (what we feel) and then a secondary response (how we feel about our primary feeling).

I can feel afraid and that can lead to feeling angry at myself for feeling afraid. It's not uncommon for people to feel anger, then shame. Guilt, then despair. They usually hit in quick succession, and are very individualized.

The behavior/action you take as a result of the feeling can sometimes be more influenced by the secondary feeling. This is how we end up with paradoxical feelings-actions: such as, I am angry, and then ashamed at being angry, so I blush and look down and apologize. Those actions don't really make sense (logically)as flowing from anger - but they make tons of sense when you realize that anger was immediately folllowed by shame.

These are just examples - not necessarily specific to your situation.

Do you think anger is more often a primary or secondary emotion? And can you describe the sequence - as in, what is the action that leads to the primary and secondary emotions, and how do you react as a result of those feelings?