I Get So Angry

[Gs172003]

Dammit i don't know

 

[Ronin]

i don't know

That's alright, don't have to know everything right now :)

Other thought - if this isn't something you can address with your therapist, and clearly continues to be an issue in your marriage, would it be possible for you to start seeing - or at least consult - a couples counselor / marriage counselor?

They're better equipped to be handling relationships specifically, so perhaps you could get some ideas what to do with the communication off that consult, and then about your reactions with your regular therapist?

 

[Gs172003]

@joeylittle you're right. .it IS panic

 

[Gs172003]

That's alright, don't have to know everything right now :)

Other thought - if this isn't something you ca...

He knows someone that is a PTSD therapist that also does couples. We might talk to him.

 

[Ronin]

We might talk to him.

Good idea @Zoogal and hope it works for you :tup:

 

[Gs172003]

Good idea @Zoogal and hope it works for you :tup:

We'll see

 

[Gs172003]

Today has been hard. Too much to explain. I'm not handling things well.

 

[joeylittle]

it IS panic

This is a very tangible thing you can work on, and it has zero to do with him or anything he does.

So, something happens that shoots your fear/panic adrenaline response - which is immediately followed by anger/rage and an impulse to hit or strike back, either with words or with your body.

The thing to get ahold of is that fear/panic response. Learning every single trigger is almost impossible, since they will shift along with your stress level - you'll get to know them better and better over time, once you can shut down your amygdala and keep it from hijacking your body.

I know I say it til I'm blue in the face, but breath is it. It's all about breath. Shutting down panic is not about soothing, it's not about distracting - it's physical. The best breath pattern I know to start with is in (thru nose) for four, hold for four, out (through pursed lips, like how you'd blow out a candle) for four, hold for four. Repeat. You need to commit to doing it for at least 4 minutes.

Just start doing it - the instant you catch the rising fear/panic/overwhelm...I have no doubt it happens just when you're on here, sometimes - I've seen you post about it. Practice here.

If you are afraid you can't make it for four minutes, when you start the pattern get to a sink and splash your face with cold water while you're doing the pattern, or hold a cold wet washcloth over your face. It will trigger your blood pressure to drop, and that will help. The breathing pattern is doing essentially the same - you can visualize it as purging and re-setting your central nervous system.

Sometimes, it's scary. You'll feel like you need to breathe faster. But you don't. After the first minute, it won't be as much of a struggle. Second minute, you'll think you can stop. Don't. There's more to calm. By the time you get to the end of four minutes, you'll actually be a little bored.

It does not take long to teach your body what this is, and you will notice that you start doing it without any conscious prompting. That's the goal - you get better and better at inserting a response to the panic/fear that will completely short-circuit both that and the following rage.

Because I'm not always great at whipping out my phone as a stopwatch, I timed myself one day on how many in and outs it took me to fill a minute; then, multiplied it. For me, the internal script is "one two three four hold two three four out two three four rest two three four, two two three four....etc. Up to "sixteen, two three four". That's my four minutes.

You should try it, seriously.

 

[Gs172003]

This is a very tangible thing you can work on, and it has zero to do with him or anything he does....

Thank you

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Zoogal I'm wondering something........ is it really your husband that you're so upset with, or is it yourself that you're upset with and just taking it out on him????

 

[Gs172003]

@Zoogal I'm wondering something........ is it really your husband that you're so...

What makes you say that.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Zoogal I know that you have some issues with hubby and his addiction, and that would be enough to put you over the edge. But, I was wondering if you might really be angry with yourself for being IN the situation in the first place. As in, "How the f*ck did I get involved with someone with this issue, when I have enough of my own shit going on."

When I was married, my husband and I fought like crazy. I too, got to the point that I actually threw f*cking ashtrays at him as he got out of his car one day. Our fights became physical many times. Many yrs after we divorced, I finally figured out what pissed me off so much. It really wasn't him so much as it was me, and how the f*ck I always managed to pick f*cking losers. In hindsight, I was really angry with myself, but didn't know where the anger was coming from, so I blamed him most of the time. Don't get me wrong, he was a f*cking asshole that cheated on me and gave me some pretty nasty infections, but I never figured that out until just before we divorced.