OK. Long story..
Well, for most of my childhood and on into my twenties, I've been determined to not let any of the abuse and negative events in my life, bring me down. I always tried to be the best person I could be and keep looking at the positive in life no matter what I go through and be a good example to others to show that just because you grow up in a dysfunctional family, doesn't mean you will become "dysfunctional". When I moved out at the age of eighteen, I seriously applied myself to the religion I had been brought up in and even though I had developed PTSD symptoms, I forced myself to continue working, going to and volunteering at church (a strict religion and schedule) and also put myself through a nine month program to get my license to work in spas as an esthetician. I maintained a positive attitude, had strong faith in God and hope for the future, took care of myself by eating healthy and exercising and learning about PTSD and applying holistic practices to heal the symptoms of PTSD such as anxiety and OCD. I was very successful with what I did to move forward and very confident.
I finally got to a point where I had no more anxiety, I was finally breathing normally and was calm with no triggers and I was happy and confident and had learned to be content with what I had. There was also a guy I thought I was in love with but he was not interested in return, so I was trying to maturely move on from that and stop thinking about him knowing it would probably never work out. I figured I would just apply myself more to "spiritual things" and focus more on God. But in that moment, I remember thinking, most of my friends around me are dating or getting married, I have worked so hard to be a good person and do things right and even try to heal as much baggage as I could so I wouldn't bring it into a relationship and what more does God want from me?!!! I was sooo used to being positive no matter what happened in my life and putting my trust in a God, confident that as long as I am a good person and have God in my life then whatever I am going though, I will be fine. When his kingdom finally comes, it won't matter anyways. Just keep faith. See, looking at the bright side and focusing on a nice future, had ALWAYS gotten me through whatever "trial" I was going through.
But in this moment, I wanted to be a normal person and have feelings and cry. Maybe the problem was I didn't know how to because even when I was younger and trying to face my feelings about what happened to me when I was younger, I never really cried or truly felt any anger.
But anyways, at this point when I was trying to move on from constantly obsessing about this guy that was not interested in me, I reacted in a weird way and tried pushing positive feelings about him away and all I felt was, NOTHING. OK. So then I was thinking about how as long as God is in my life, I'm fine, but I want to feel my actual feelings, I suddenly tried pushing him away. How did I do that? Well I used to suffer from unwanted sexual thoughts and fears (OCD) but I had finally gotten to a point where they didn't bother me anymore. Well, I suddenly decided to make God unhappy and push his holy spirit away from me so I could feel my own feelings without his help, and so I DECIDED TO THINK A VERY NASTY SEXUALLY INTRUSIVE THOUGHT ON PURPOSE.
Well, I had never done anything like that before and right after I tried praying for forgiveness but all I felt after was numb and I was thinking, what the @#$% is wrong with me?! What did I just do?! And then knowing this was not the right way to handle that, I forced myself to feel guilty and like I was such a bad person. And from that moment on, I started undoing all the good including my healthy self-esteem and everything else I had worked so hard for. I totally turned into a different person and started doing the stupidest things to just ruin my life.
