My Best Friend Suggested I Ask For Inpatient Treatment

[Deleted member 27340]

For just over a month now I've barely left the house at all, the furthest I go is a couple metres outside the door. I can't sleep at night because it's unsafe, I fall asleep at 6am at the earliest, usually not until around 10am, because it's not really daylight here until closer to 10am. When I first do sleep, I sleep for around 5 hours, and I sleep bad because I feel so unsafe and exposed laying down and I can't relax. It feels like I'm aware that I'm sleeping the majority of the time, like I don't get deep sleep. I've lost 20 kilos in the past four months. The little girl in my head who had a lot of very bad things done to her is trying to show me what they did to her by being noisy, screaming in my head, running around, making me feel what they did to her on my body, and showing me pictures of it. When she's more noisy I stop functioning, can't speak at all and end up just curling up and rocking back and forwards most the time. She can calm down and be loud without being so painful if I do things that calms her, like sing lullabies, finger knitting and colouring. I self harmed more lately, three of the wounds being down to the fat tissue (sorry about the details). I'm really suicidal, the only reason I'm alive is because there are people who tell me they dont want me to die. If those people weren't here, I wouldn't be either, because I'm living for their sake, not mine. There is nothing that makes me want to live, because there is nothing good about living, only a f*ckton of things that hurt way too much for me to handle. I still have the self control to stay alive for the sake of other people, so I won't do anything, but the urge to do it and the thoughts about it are at an all time high.

According to my best friend I've been getting progressively worse since August, and apparently today is the first day in the past month where I'm not in serious denial. Just over a month ago I went from my usual outgoing, hyperactive, eccentric, always-on-the-go and talkative self to isolated, silent, hypoactive and extremely reserved. Think barely leaving my room, and my foster parents asking me if I lost my voice. The first one can sound like mania, but it's not, it's my normal, this is the different stuff (I have ADHD).

My best friend suggested I get admitted for inpatient treatment for trauma because I can't do therapy once a week and then just come back home and continue like nothing, I'm just not capable of that because there's a lot of stuff and I'm a mess and nothing feels safe. I can't even leave the house. So she said inpatient would probably be a good idea, because I need to process things and because it's gotten so much worse.

Personally I believe there's no point, because even if I might need professional help there is nothing professional help can do for me. Things started going to hell the day I was born pretty much, I've never been a whole person and talking to someone with a fancy degree won't make me one either. It feels like I'm split in the middle, two halves just pretending to be a whole person while really just being two chaotic tornadoes fighting each other. I'm not sure which of them is the real me, because both have been there for so long. The little girl tried to hide for very long, though, but she didn't hide all too well, she just avoided marking her presence. Now she marks her presence really well. I also don't want to risk the little girl showing me more of the bad things they did to her if I let her close, so I keep being mad at her back to push her away because she already gave me two memories that she had been hiding and that I would rather be without knowing about.

Today was when she gave me those two memories actually. Today I also told my best friend about a few other experiences and a thing my mother always did, and having them say it was wrong and not right confused me a lot. Apparently, I have been sexually harassed a very large amount of times, without knowing it was wrong. It's what they said when I told them about various experiences at least. What they said about my mother is that she directly sexualised me. That's a very disturbing thought, and the words look very odd. Like, if a friend of her in her 40s said I looked hot when I was 12 years old she would tell me it's true and that it's a good compliment, even though I really just felt uncomfortable from the whole thing. She always praised me for getting that type of attention from men. The memories I got back was being little and finding blood in my underwear, and then a few years later being about 11 and wondering why I wasn't having my period at that point if I got blood from there so long ago. The few experiences I told my friends about were things that happened this year, like a friend who put his hand down my bra repeatedly (I pushed it away repeatedly) and tried to make me touch his stuff (he first tried to talk me into it, then grabbed my hand and started pulling it towards his groin while lifting the blanket he was sitting with, so I don't even know if he still had his clothes on under the blanket) and another guy who first tried to talk me into having sex with im but ended up going with touching my boobs and kissing me instead. I never thought it was wrong, but my best friend was just like "that's harassment, and illegal, and not okay", but I really just... feel ashamed that I told anyone about it. There was also a guy in his 20's when I was 13 who tried to make me have sex with him and told me he would be a good father to my children and that I should marry him, and a lot more stuff. But all those are mild, I don't think they're bad at all, it made me uncomfortable but it's really just gross (correction: I'm gross), not really bad. It's not something I struggle with. I guess. I don't know why I'm writing about what I talked to my best friend about, but whatever. My thoughts are scrambled.

What do you guys think about my best friend's inpatient treatment suggestion?

 

[shimmerz]

I don't know what your health care system is like there. I wouldn't go into in patient if my life depended on it - but that is because the health system is a shambles.

Have you been inpatient before? If so, how was it?

Do you have a T? If so what do they say? If not, is there a reason why not?

It sounds like you need support and some serious and professional support. The question to me, would be how to get the best support within the country that you live in.

BTW, I think it is lovely that you have a friend so dear that she can talk about this stuff with you. It sounds like she really has your best interests in mind.

 

[Fadeaway]

I got the impression that you want to go. It won't fix you, but it might help you find the tools you need to start making positive changes. What you are doing right now isn't working, so it is time to try something different. :hug: Yes, you have been been to hell and burned alive, but there is also hope of a happy future where this becomes a distant memory.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

actually no now none of this is making sense its a bad idea its gonna go wrong im just gonna stay here here its safe except at night but the night is never safe so im okay im okay

 

[Recovery4Me]

(((hugs))) to you and your little inner child

Perhaps continue to journal as you make up your mind on what is best for you outside of suicide idealization and self harm. The flow of dumping out the fear, memories and talking about your self-harm 'can' slow down some of the self-flogging on the inside. There are no easy answers but meds may certainly be prudent for a short or longer period of time as you bravely face what was done to you WAS NOT and is not your fault.

That is crux right now in order for you to know...that your future can be different within your control and the pain will abate after sometime of treatment and self infusion of self-care, self love and pride in surviving those situations.

As an survivor of rape(s), gang rape, incest, ect ... I offer that I understand some of the waves you are experiencing. Breathe, feel your breath without self-loathing and know that you have value. Hold on and perhaps review the inpatient process where you may be able to heal.
DON'T give up ... do not let them win. Fight and know that you are loved and admired here as well as elsewhere.

You may not see it now...but someday...I know that you will be stronger and assisting another victim that walks in our shoes, giving them the courage perhaps that only can come from one whom has walked your walk.

 

[Panda Bear]

I don't have any right or wrong answers for you, I'm sorry.

Sounds as if you need more interventions than you're getting and you have a dear friend who is looking out for you. It's very sweet. What kind of options do you have? Anyone able to help you possibly navigate the process.

Hang in there!

 

[Deleted member 27340]

i

i dont know

im just gonna stay here
im ok

 

[Freedomfighter]

For just over a month now I've barely left the house at all, the furthest I go is a couple metres outs...

OMG, that is just so seriously sick what your mom did. I know a ton of females that treat their daughters like that and it is extremely disturbing.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Thinking of you in gentle waves of compassion and friendship. (((hugs)))

 

[scout86]

Somehow, I missed this the first time around. How are you doing now? What did you decide?

I once told my T that ' talking about stuff' was a waste of time. It didn't change anything. He said that was logical enough. And understandable, if someone had had no experience with it being helpful. But that I was wrong, it can help.

I think what you were saying about inpatient being a waste of time is similar, and that maybe a good inpatient program would be a big help to you. But 'good' is important. Have you talked about this with anyone besides your friend?

 

[bring em all in]

Tyraary- I can so relate to what you wrote. If it wasn't for my wife, I would have been gone long ago!

Does a mental hospital near you have a day program? I attended mine. It was five days a week from 8:30-3:30. There was group therapy and individual therapy, as well as sessions/classes on grieving, anxiety, depression, time management, etc... Also, arts and crafts and music. I benefited greatly from the in-person support group.

Like someone else posted, what you are doing now isn't working. I know from experience that doing nothing is just letting myself fall further down a rabbit hole. If you find the right therapist it can make a big difference (some are MUCH better than others and it can take some trial and error). I read (and I believe) that you cannot heal what you will not face. Making that decision is not easy, but it crucial. It is (forgive the vivid metaphor) a series of scabs over a series of infections. Removing the scabs is painful, but it allows real healing to take place. Therapy can help you with that.

It seems insurmountable, but others have it and that gives me hope that with time and effort I will heal.

I wish you the best.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

OMG, that is just so seriously sick what your mom did. I know a ton of females that treat their daughters like that and it is extremely disturbing.

She also sat me down on the couch once and asked me "Can you touch [friend of her's name] with your hands to help them for me?". She convinced me and everyone around us that I had some kind of abilities and was a healer with healing hands who could cure pains by touching people, all bullshit she made up. My mother's biological father left when she was little, so her stepdad adopted her. Her stepdad/adoptive father eventually divorced my mother's mom, and remarried a woman from England. That woman is probably the only one in the entire family who never got tricked by my mother, because she came from outside the family's twisted bullshit. I still talk to her today. She told me once that my mother bragged to her about getting roughly $60 each time she had me "use my healing hands".

Thinking of you in gentle waves of compassion and friendship. (((hugs)))

Thank you :hug:

@scout86 I was inpatient for a couple days just before christmas, but not at my own will. They got worried at my suicidal statements. My T and the people at the ward, and my foster family, all wanted me to agree on staying longer, but I don't want to so I was discharged as they didn't have enough to keep me admitted against my will.

I'm going outside again, my sleep is mostly all over the place. I dissociate a lot, I probably wouldn't leave the house if not. One night I just felt like I was going insane from being stuck inside and everything in my head was spinning around, so something just flicked a switch in my brain and I found myself sneaking out of the house at 3am. I ended up walking around my town for 3 hours, until the first bus in the morning that goes to the neighbouring town where I usually hang out left and I got on that. Then I walked around in the central areas of town there for a while, bought some food and charged my phone at the library, before I got on a bus back home and was back inside the house around 9am, without anyone even noticing I was gone. It's a blur though, like a hazy dream, like it's not my memories. Everything is that type of dream-like unreal fake-memory style.

So much of the time it's like I'm trapped inside a glass cage at the far back of my head, just looking out at the world around me and observing things happening and observing my body doing stuff, hearing my own voice talking in a muffled way, but not really processing what my own mouth is saying. Imagine that everything is a video game, and my body is the main character. It feels like someone else has the controls and play the game as me, while I'm just watching. Like someone else is at the steering wheel. I can always (as far as I'm concerned) remember what happens when someone else is at the steering wheel, but the memories feel like they belong to someone else, like a dream or a movie. I've had to check that I actually bought items, check social media to see that I actually sent messages/pictures I remember sending to confirm that things actually happened. People notice. I've been asked if I'm high several times. One day I was in town the people I was hanging out with didn't believe me when I said I wasn't high until one of them pointed a flashlight at my eyes and confirmed that my pupils actually responded. Other times when it feels like someone else is at the steering wheel I'm told to calm down, because I talk fast and laugh a lot or whatever. I'm not sure, but I notice that others notice my behaviour changing more than I do. I think. I'm not really certain about anything. Everything is very confusing. I'll be in my room, then suddenly I'm on the bus, and I can remember what happened in between, but I'll be unable to process and very confused. Like, "why am I here?", "where am I going?", "why am I even doing this?", although the feeling of someone else being at the steering wheel doesn't go away. It'll stay for hours or until next time I sleep. A few times I've felt like someone else has been at the steering wheel the entire day, then I fall asleep, and when I wake up the feeling is different, but it'll be like part of me didn't agree on sleeping so it wakes me up into a panic mode of "sleep wasn't supposed to happen no no no no no no no this is wrONG" which throws me right back into a feeling that someone else is at the steering wheel. That's not every time I sleep, though. Fortunately.

Even when it doesn't feel like someone else is at the steering wheel, I'm not really present. Nothing feels real. Depersonalisation and derealisation are chronic, which they have been as long as I can remember, but the feeling of someone else being at the steering wheel is in addition to those and on and off, and it's either a new thing or it has just never been as frequent before so I haven't noticed.

One day I was in town my friends ended up walking after me because I was just walking around aimlessly and they didn't want to leave me alone. I walked right into traffic, too, the car stopped because it was a place where the speed limit is very low and by a zebra crossing (I walked on red man though) and it honked very loudly. My friends were just following me around and talking to me. I was aware that I acted odd, but it was the feeling of someone else being at the steering wheel, so I couldn't do anything about it. I'm always aware, but I'm helpless to do anything about it. Time moves weirdly when it's like that, too. 5 hours can feel like 5 minutes.

Everything from the middle of November till now feels more like 2 days than 2 months, really.

Another friend of mine who met me when I went to town the day before yesterday asked me something like "are you sure it was good for you to leave home today?" and then asked some questions about when, why and how I left the house. Most of those I couldn't answer. She seems to get a lot of things, probably more than I do. She was like, "I don't want to be a bitch but I think you should maybe not have been discharged". I kind of ignored that statement, I ignore most things that put me and psychiatry in the same sentence. I'm ignoring my T, too.

@bring em all in Thanks :hug: