DogwoodTree
Platinum Member
First, I know the right response is to talk it out with her. I've already written a long letter exploring my thoughts on her comments, and I can bring it in at our next session to help work some of this out.
What I want to know is...is there any validity at all to my feeling like this was a manipulative tactic on her part?
I've seen her for 4 sessions now after being referred by regular T for EMDR therapy, since regular T isn't trained in EMDR. My DH and I continue to see regular T for couples therapy, and I meet with regular T on weeks when trauma T doesn't have space in her schedule for me (has happened twice in 6 weeks).
We spent the first 3 sessions going through my story. She also asked me to read The Body Keeps the Score, which I did. She said that book does a great job of explaining the therapy approaches she uses. At last week's session, I had read enough of that book to have a concern that I wanted to discuss. I told her that I had been involved in two different church-based ministries that relied heavily on the use of the imagination to "rewrite" a traumatic memory, and neither of those ministries had helped me and in fact had caused some additional issues.
In the book, the author tells the story of a young boy who witnessed the 9/11 tragedy. In the next few days, he drew a picture of the Twin Towers burning, and also added a trampoline at the bottom so the people who were falling would be safe. I told her that this approach wouldn't work for me because of previous experience with those ministries and because of other issues I had been working on (e.g., relying less on fantasy relationships to get by since I have such a hard time making friends...I have Asperger's... and also working on not minimizing the things that had been done to me so that I can properly grieve that stuff). She said this is an approach that can be used with kids, but it's not ever a core component of working with adults. So okay.
This week when I came in, I had read a great deal more of the book and bookmarked several places where the author highlighted imagination and rewriting a story as the way in which the subjects of different trauma stories had been able to recover and move on. She said that imagination still is not a core component of these therapies discussed in the book, and that those things were only included because it "makes for a better chapter" for people reading the book. She said she knows from experience that re-imagining a story really isn't an important part of EMDR or any of the other therapies the book covers. She said she hears my concern, and that we won't rely on imagination in using EMDR. Okay...moving on.
She asked if anything else in the book resonated with me. I said I was familiar with most of the information already because I've done so much research on C-PTSD and trauma treatment and all of this stuff already (this has been an Aspie "special interest" for me for years...hardly a day goes by that I don't read something related to my interests and most days, I spend hours reading on whatever topic has my attention that day), and yes, there were a few topics in the book that gave some additional depth, but nothing really significant to me. I said I noticed more about what didn't resonate than what did, but that's fine. (This is typical for me because none of these trauma-treatment books make any consideration at all for how autism can change the treatment picture, so it feels like I'm having to "translate" content into something that is relevant to me. I didn't have the clarity of thought in that moment to explain this to her, so perhaps this is the crux of the issue??)
She then turned the discussion around and said she's feeling a push-pull dynamic from me, that it's like I'm simultaneously saying "come closer" and "go away." She said she's seen the list of books I gave her that I've read on trauma-related topics, and none of the stuff on that list is up-to-date. (I didn't list all of the websites and YouTube videos and articles I've read because that would've taken way too long to put together, so I believe that book list hardly even begins to represent what I actually know about this topic...plus, one of those books was released just this past year.) She also pointed out that I've never worked with a trauma therapist before. But her point was that I haven't even come close to trying everything, so my resistance to what she offers is unfounded (maybe she's hearing my fear of EMDR, etc. as resistance or unwillingness to do it??). Then she questioned whether I really want to get better. And she said that's okay, I don't have to do trauma therapy. But that I needed to decide how committed I am to this work. And if I'm not committed, then we can start there.
So this is the place where I'm thinking, "WTF??" Of course I didn't say that to her...I was too stunned. I've shown up to every appt early. I set aside hours afterwards to process the appt (and she knows this). I've answered every one of her questions honestly and thoroughly. I've given her a fairly detailed accounting of my story already, which was crazy-tough to do. I read that whole book she suggested, even though it didn't feel like it was speaking on this stuff in a way that was very helpful to me. I know I come across as standoffish with her (and with everyone else), but I have Asperger's (she also knows this) and as hard as I've tried, I've not been able to train myself out of that. One of the most painful things about my life is that I don't warm up to people no matter how hard I try. It puts me in tears just thinking about how hard I've tried to be warmer and feel closer to people and continued to fail miserably, and all this trauma crap I'm dealing with right now makes that exponentially more difficult and painful, and yet I keep working at it. But I still come off as cool and distant.
She asked if I had anything to say in response. All I could get out was to say I'm communicating things she's not picking up on. She said that's possible, and we could discuss that next time.
She asked if I had anything else to say. At this point, my mind was whirling with flashes of pictures of all I've tried to do to work through my shit over the past few years especially, but also over my entire adolescence and adult life (I'm in my 40s). And I kept going through tidbits of my conversations with this T, wondering how I'd given this impression, what did I say wrong, what was she looking for instead, how did I screw this up already? None of these pictures would sit still long enough for me to describe them, so I told her that...I told her I think mostly in pictures and none of the pictures would settle long enough to put words to them.
She said something else, and then asked again if I had anything to say. I shook my head no. She said Are you sure? I nodded. She said, "Well I'm going to trust that you're telling me the truth." And then she got up to schedule our next appt.
Am I crazy to feel like she's being manipulative? I understand I need to talk with her about it. I also see my regular T next week instead of her, and I can ask him about it (he knows her and highly recommended her). I get that we sometimes react out of trauma-brain and get stuck on only one possible interpretation of another person's motives, and talking it out is the only way to really know what the other person was thinking. I get that. But is my response to this valid at all? Is there anything here that is truly a red flag, or is it all just my own over-reactivity?
I've oscillated between wanting to give up working with a female trauma T, regardless of the sexual trauma content that I need to resolve, and switch over to a male trauma T instead. Her questions and feedback felt manipulative and invalidating and anything but warm or accepting. Am I just projecting my critical and manipulative mom onto this T? Or were the T's questions and comments actually inappropriate on any level?
What I want to know is...is there any validity at all to my feeling like this was a manipulative tactic on her part?
I've seen her for 4 sessions now after being referred by regular T for EMDR therapy, since regular T isn't trained in EMDR. My DH and I continue to see regular T for couples therapy, and I meet with regular T on weeks when trauma T doesn't have space in her schedule for me (has happened twice in 6 weeks).
We spent the first 3 sessions going through my story. She also asked me to read The Body Keeps the Score, which I did. She said that book does a great job of explaining the therapy approaches she uses. At last week's session, I had read enough of that book to have a concern that I wanted to discuss. I told her that I had been involved in two different church-based ministries that relied heavily on the use of the imagination to "rewrite" a traumatic memory, and neither of those ministries had helped me and in fact had caused some additional issues.
In the book, the author tells the story of a young boy who witnessed the 9/11 tragedy. In the next few days, he drew a picture of the Twin Towers burning, and also added a trampoline at the bottom so the people who were falling would be safe. I told her that this approach wouldn't work for me because of previous experience with those ministries and because of other issues I had been working on (e.g., relying less on fantasy relationships to get by since I have such a hard time making friends...I have Asperger's... and also working on not minimizing the things that had been done to me so that I can properly grieve that stuff). She said this is an approach that can be used with kids, but it's not ever a core component of working with adults. So okay.
This week when I came in, I had read a great deal more of the book and bookmarked several places where the author highlighted imagination and rewriting a story as the way in which the subjects of different trauma stories had been able to recover and move on. She said that imagination still is not a core component of these therapies discussed in the book, and that those things were only included because it "makes for a better chapter" for people reading the book. She said she knows from experience that re-imagining a story really isn't an important part of EMDR or any of the other therapies the book covers. She said she hears my concern, and that we won't rely on imagination in using EMDR. Okay...moving on.
She asked if anything else in the book resonated with me. I said I was familiar with most of the information already because I've done so much research on C-PTSD and trauma treatment and all of this stuff already (this has been an Aspie "special interest" for me for years...hardly a day goes by that I don't read something related to my interests and most days, I spend hours reading on whatever topic has my attention that day), and yes, there were a few topics in the book that gave some additional depth, but nothing really significant to me. I said I noticed more about what didn't resonate than what did, but that's fine. (This is typical for me because none of these trauma-treatment books make any consideration at all for how autism can change the treatment picture, so it feels like I'm having to "translate" content into something that is relevant to me. I didn't have the clarity of thought in that moment to explain this to her, so perhaps this is the crux of the issue??)
She then turned the discussion around and said she's feeling a push-pull dynamic from me, that it's like I'm simultaneously saying "come closer" and "go away." She said she's seen the list of books I gave her that I've read on trauma-related topics, and none of the stuff on that list is up-to-date. (I didn't list all of the websites and YouTube videos and articles I've read because that would've taken way too long to put together, so I believe that book list hardly even begins to represent what I actually know about this topic...plus, one of those books was released just this past year.) She also pointed out that I've never worked with a trauma therapist before. But her point was that I haven't even come close to trying everything, so my resistance to what she offers is unfounded (maybe she's hearing my fear of EMDR, etc. as resistance or unwillingness to do it??). Then she questioned whether I really want to get better. And she said that's okay, I don't have to do trauma therapy. But that I needed to decide how committed I am to this work. And if I'm not committed, then we can start there.
So this is the place where I'm thinking, "WTF??" Of course I didn't say that to her...I was too stunned. I've shown up to every appt early. I set aside hours afterwards to process the appt (and she knows this). I've answered every one of her questions honestly and thoroughly. I've given her a fairly detailed accounting of my story already, which was crazy-tough to do. I read that whole book she suggested, even though it didn't feel like it was speaking on this stuff in a way that was very helpful to me. I know I come across as standoffish with her (and with everyone else), but I have Asperger's (she also knows this) and as hard as I've tried, I've not been able to train myself out of that. One of the most painful things about my life is that I don't warm up to people no matter how hard I try. It puts me in tears just thinking about how hard I've tried to be warmer and feel closer to people and continued to fail miserably, and all this trauma crap I'm dealing with right now makes that exponentially more difficult and painful, and yet I keep working at it. But I still come off as cool and distant.
She asked if I had anything to say in response. All I could get out was to say I'm communicating things she's not picking up on. She said that's possible, and we could discuss that next time.
She asked if I had anything else to say. At this point, my mind was whirling with flashes of pictures of all I've tried to do to work through my shit over the past few years especially, but also over my entire adolescence and adult life (I'm in my 40s). And I kept going through tidbits of my conversations with this T, wondering how I'd given this impression, what did I say wrong, what was she looking for instead, how did I screw this up already? None of these pictures would sit still long enough for me to describe them, so I told her that...I told her I think mostly in pictures and none of the pictures would settle long enough to put words to them.
She said something else, and then asked again if I had anything to say. I shook my head no. She said Are you sure? I nodded. She said, "Well I'm going to trust that you're telling me the truth." And then she got up to schedule our next appt.
Am I crazy to feel like she's being manipulative? I understand I need to talk with her about it. I also see my regular T next week instead of her, and I can ask him about it (he knows her and highly recommended her). I get that we sometimes react out of trauma-brain and get stuck on only one possible interpretation of another person's motives, and talking it out is the only way to really know what the other person was thinking. I get that. But is my response to this valid at all? Is there anything here that is truly a red flag, or is it all just my own over-reactivity?
I've oscillated between wanting to give up working with a female trauma T, regardless of the sexual trauma content that I need to resolve, and switch over to a male trauma T instead. Her questions and feedback felt manipulative and invalidating and anything but warm or accepting. Am I just projecting my critical and manipulative mom onto this T? Or were the T's questions and comments actually inappropriate on any level?
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