Losing Time

[Jordash]

After the trauma I went through I began having memory blackouts. It's taken me my entire life to notice what was happening. My illness is so severe I can't even describe any of my feelings to the point my therapist has to give me a children's feelings chart and most of the time I still can't pin point how I feel. About a month ago I forced myself to give my therapist details about my trauma. At first I felt relief, but as time went on I feel back into my abyss. It starts out with a migraine when I wake up and a thick fog for weeks. When I finally feel some what normal I can't recall chunks of my memory. So three weeks ago I completely dissociated in my session and since then I've been obsessed with researching negative points of view of therapy on the internet(Flight Response). I was afraid of telling my therapist because I felt stupid. Yesterday in my session we began talking about me not loving myself and I lashed out and yelled "Should I just f*cking leave!". She paused for 10 seconds and said she was very frustrated with me, started to tear up, and grabbed a tissue. She then said she had so much hope for me. So I put everything out on the table about how severe my blackouts were. She opened her drawer. Grabbed a dry erase marker. Got up. Walked to her white board and started our first session together.....again. It was the first time in three months I viewed her as my therapist.

So apparently I'm going all in and after lurking for a few weeks felt I belong here with those who can relate. Has anyone had these types of memory loss?

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah I had lost time, black outs and have a memory like Swiss cheese... many holes or gaps in it... sometimes for many weeks after a traumatic event.

 

[ladee]

All the time. Even as a child I can remember 'coming to'.
So much time lost. Still happens when I am under a ton of toxic stress.

 

[MysticSkyes]

I get it all the time, and I have realized spots of my life just seemed they have flown by and I don't remember living it. It is a battle every day to be present and sometimes I lose it. You're not the only one.

 

[Muted]

Do any of you remember details of some parts almost like pictures or a video playing, but nothing about other things in those time periods?

 

[Intrepid]

When my first therapist asked me how I saw myself I told him it was like watching my life on television.

When I was a kid I used to just disappear. Now I am pretty good at avoiding shutting down. However, I have to avoid a lot of normal feelings, even admitting they exist. I'm so sensitive that when I start naming my emotions It feels like someone pulls a draw string and closes everything off. I have nightmares about it.

I'm working really hard to see the difference between my difficult emotions, images and thoughts, and my fight/flight response to them.

Swiss cheese

. There was a TV show called Quantum Leap. The main character experienced Swiss Cheese. I really liked that show.

 

[Muted]

On the TV are you in there seeing it or is it like your out of your own body? Also when it happened were you in your own body or out of it?

I'm trying to understand if it's similar to my experience.

 

[Enaila]

I haven't been able to get in touch with my feelings. My therapist would have viewed me getting angry and yelling as a healthy thing. She keeps encouraging me to find a place I can yell or punch a pillow or throw things (by the way, someone on this site suggested throwing ice against an outside wall as it makes noise and is self cleaning.)

I frequently get reminded how many many years I avoided dealing with my feelings and how the type of trauma I have experienced for as long as I experienced it, is going to take time to work through. Hang in there.

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story.

 

[Crow]

Not counting childhood, I spent 18 months at a job where I blacked out on the drive in and 'woke up' when I turned on my street on the way home. Still dissociate but not to that degree.