Childhood I Can't Feel My "inner Child" Anymore.

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't think this is a good thing. I used to feel so clearly what I called an inner child and my therapist called it haulted emotions. Feeling "her" seemed very important for my healing as "she" could bring out things that I had buried and couldn't on my own. "She" wasn't an alter, I don't have DID, but "she" functioned very simular where only "she" had access to certian memories and thoughts and emotions.

I started to train my dog to be my service dog and it's a positive in every area. To train him I have to remain calm and I have to be in scary place to train him to be. Just many positives out of it but I was worried that I stuffed all of this junk that was at the surface when I started it and I went to go try to "tap" into "her" to maybe start working around my mom or seeing if I could start to pull that out tonight and "she's" gone. I can't feel "her" any more nor can I feel any emotion around my mom. I know there are intense emotions there as they were there before I started the training but if anyone asked what I felt about my mom I would say nothing. I'm numb. And that's the same when it comes to many aspects of my past.

I'm worried that I numbed myself so much that I can't unnumb it because my "inner child" has never gone away even in my most numb times. How does one start to get an "inner child" back?

 

[trying to heal]

I can sort of understand some of this ... my previous T would not let me even begin working on inner child stuff as she said I would not be kind to her so said it was better to just let her be. I'm guessing here but maybe the work you have done and the therapy may have calmed your inner child down enough that she doesn't have to protect you as strongly??

 

[The Albatross]

I was thinking the same - that the work you've done (also with your dog) calmed your inner child enough to have some calm or peace. You've taken some proactive steps, but I would like to hear you share more about being "worried that I numbed myself so much that I can't unnumb it" before I could say more.

In what way do you say or think you have been numbing?

My little girl would only scream for many years... just stand there and scream at the top of her lungs. Then came a day when she was gone... and she's stayed gone, but I'd done enough work for her to leave. My inner child was a blaring siren of danger and a warning though... and if she ever resurfaces again, I will attend to the warning even though she could never verbalize what it was about.

If you've relied you your inner child, I expect it is natural to fret or miss her. Perhaps you can do a visualization of her where you share with her that you love and miss her.

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

It also wouldn't surprise me if your dog has become a surrogate for your inner child?

A doggie-especially a trained service dog-can often offer both protection and unconditional love and be your confidante, too.

I'm not afraid to say anything to her, including the things I'd once only dared share with my inner child.

Still dissociative perhaps, but I get strength from it I wouldn't otherwise have.

Maybe it could work for you too...

Best,
Rich

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but I would like to hear you share more about being "worried that I numbed myself so much that I can't unnumb it" before I could say more.

Well, I am used to numbing myself, even on accident. Like when my mom died I went in and out of fully numb and insanity back to numb.

I guess what I fear is I have numbed myself so much that I will never be able to become unnumb. Like the 10 years I was in denial I numbed myself from it all so much that it took 2 years for my therapist to pull it out and get me to feel emotions from the past. So I guess I am afraid that I pushed it all back down so far, and numbed it so well that I won't be able to go in and out of numbness.

I've never not been able to feel this "inner child". Even before therapy back in denial days "she" was there. I just never understood what "she" was.

In what way do you say or think you have been numbing?

I go numb all the time. Its hard to explain. I went into the world and had to function and so I numb myself. I did it when my insurence put me in a hole and I was afraid i was going to loose my therapist. I pushed it down and numbed it away and it took a while to get it back out. We had to go backwards to get it to unnumb. So i do it a lot. I guess the level at which I am numb and what key things in my past that i am now numb over, I am fearful that its one of those stuffing and numbing.

that the work you've done (also with your dog) calmed your inner child enough to have some calm or peace.

Maybe but right before I started the training I had all of these roller coaster emotions, rage, severe pain, just a ton of intense emotions that I never worked through. I expressed some here but I hadn't even touched the surface. Is it possible that the training worked that out or at least allowed me to calm, yeah, but calm doesn't mean numb. I don't know, its hard to explain. Like I calm would mean calm. Still feeling the emotions but just being calmer in general and be able to express the emotions calmly. I'm numb. When I think of my mom or my past I have no emotions. I feel nothing. No sadness, no anger, no pain, no nothing. I also don't feel happiness or anything good, I feel nothing.

Anyway, that's the best ways I can explain it. I hope it makes some sense as it's so hard to explain.

A doggie-especially a trained service dog-can often offer both protection and unconditional love and be your confidante, too.

True. He does offer protection, love, even some happiness so maybe i do feel some happiness but I don't in most situations.

It is also strengthing our bond a lot so thats also good.

I don't know, its confusing. At one angle I can see it as a good thing but at other angles it seems I just stuffed everything and numbed it away.

 

[The Albatross]

Being used to something and it is changed. Okay.

You say, "what I fear is I have numbed myself so much that I will never be able to become unnumb." Okay as well, however what evidence do you have that "I will never be able to become unnumb" or are you uncomfortable because something changed and your heretofore way of being/state has shifted?

What you expressed this morning was not "numb" it was worry. I expect you may have shifted it to numb because you have a good amount of experience with that yet little in the area that has caused you distress today (inner child going absent).????

 

[lostforgottensoul]

what evidence do you have that

I don't. Other then how numb I am in those areas and what areas went numb, and I can't "tap into" this "inner child" for those emotions. I don't know, it's rather confusing.

What you expressed this morning was not "numb" it was worry.

True. I don't mean everything is numb. Just key things like my mom and my past. Some things that I started to express emotions about. It also worries me as I have yet to grieve for this "inner child" or my childhood or any of it. It was like a ton of intense emotions were there and now they aren't.

I could unnumb and all be ok. I have just never done life without this "inner child". And so that scares me. Like how will I access those early memories and emotions without "her"?

I may not be wording all of this right. I'm sorry if my words are failing me. It's a very confusing things. Especially since it sounds like we are talking about an alter and we aren't. But, that brings up a point. In therapy with a DID individual, alters merge with the person when they are no longer needed, right? And merging would be to be able to access the memories and emotions without the alter's help, right? That last part is what is worrying me. I don't have access to those emotions or even the muddy memories of much younger ages that was starting to come to me.

Sigh, again, sorry if I am not explaining correctly.

 

[Leighlee87]

You're experience sounds somewhat like mine at the moment. I don't know if my little girl is permanently gone or not. She used to hide under a table terrified to come out because she was scared someone would hurt her.

More recently, I've caught her out playing, jumping around, skipping, etc. But she was blocked from me by a group of adults that didn't seem to want her near me. I didn't mind. Seeing her happy, made me happy. It was a really good sign, and I kinda figured therapy wasn't helping just me, it's helping her too.

But more recently, I can't find her. I don't hear her or feel her. I've never gone without her. And the idea that she might really be gone terrifies me, and hurt because if so, I wish I could at least had goodbyes. I'm very much hoping that she is just hiding for the moment. Idk what to make of it all. She seemed/s so important to me and was never something we got around to in therapy because I was too afraid to go there.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Leighlee87, do you have DID?

I ask because I don't so my "inner child" wasn't an alter. It is much different but I did notice "it" worked sort of simular so maybe it's ok to place in the same boat? I always thought it was much different but I did create alters in my trauma and named them but when I left, I dropped them. There were 3 that I can remember now. So maybe same level of disociasstion but just didn't seperate themselves? I'm honestly unsure but this "inner child" changes ages, unlike an alter would. Maybe different ones. I don't know but I never loose control of my body. No one but myself is driving and that is a must for DID so it's not DID.

My therapist calls it haulted emotions but I can feel this seperate being inside of my head. It's weird, since I don't have DID but it held many of the young emotions. Like I had to tap into her to gain access to them. I had to do this internal tapping into to express them and work them out and because of that, "she" was crutial to my therapy. That's why I am worried.

I never saw her skipping or even happy. She has always been afraid, hidding. I always saw her hidding in a closet, peaking out. When my mom died she was bawling and screaming and just going crazy like that.

Now I can't access any of those emotions, they are all gone or numb and that just worries me because I have fully numbed and numbed a TON before and stayed that way but always could feel my inner child. I felt "her" even in the 10 years i was in denial, I just ignored "her". So that's why I am worried about it. I fear that if I can't get "her" back, I won't be able to work through those emotions anymore.

I don't know. I know none of this makes sense. Sorry.

 

[Friday]

I compartmentalize really hardcore, and it's not entirely within my control. Ditto losing my emotions to various degrees. When I've lost my emotions entirely, it's relieving as hell, because one has to have emotions to be worried, scared, concerned, etc. I know I might should be XYZ, but it just ain't there. Numb is on my spectrum of lost emotions & it's hugely aggravating. Like when your foot goes numb. You can't feel it, but you still know it's there, and there's a wrongness about it. It's vexing, and distracting, and worrisome.

Right now I have some pieces of myself that I've blocked off, and I need them back. It's creating all sorts of problems in my head to be missing them.

But I read something really profound the other day (and forgot to bookmark it :wtf: ) Someone talking about how their therapist never tries to take a wall down... Until he understands what it's protecting.

I've made that mistake countless times. I've been so upset with not having access to what I want access to, that I just keep kicking at the wall & kicking at it, until I can tear it down. With pretty predictable results; the wall falls on me. And then whatever was behind it, I'm not usually in a place to be dealing with it, right now... And then that clobbers me, too.

It's part of 'my decisions made in fear are always wrong', schtick. If the sole reason I'm going after what's behind the wall is I'm afraid of losing it? I don't really act rationally about it. It's in my head, and my heart. Nothing is lost. Just put away for a time. I don't actually have to have every dish out of the cupboard at all times, nor, upon finding a cupboard locked do I reeeally need to come at the sucker with an axe :shifty: I'm trying to learn to trust myself a bit more, and realize that I'm the one who locked the cupboard, who built the wall to protect something. I can unlock it. I can let the wall down. But understanding what it's protecting and why? Is a new skill I'm trying to learn.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I'd first start with really reading the entirety of what @Friday has posted. In particular, what is really hitting my mind that I've had to learn (and still am):

It's part of 'my decisions made in fear are always wrong', schtick. If the sole reason I'm going after what's behind the wall is I'm afraid of losing it? I don't really act rationally about it. It's in my head, and my heart. Nothing is lost. Just put away for a time. I don't actually have to have every dish out of the cupboard at all times, nor, upon finding a cupboard locked do I reeeally need to come at the sucker with an axe :shifty: I'm trying to learn to trust myself a bit more, and realize that I'm the one who locked the cupboard, who built the wall to protect something. I can unlock it. I can let the wall down. But understanding what it's protecting and why? Is a new skill I'm trying to learn.

My little one comes and goes. We've done things together and I've watched her. We've discussed things and hugged, and I've comforted her and she's comforted me. I'm not sure what all this means, I just accept it as part of my life. I wish she'd be here more. She was here on Christmas and then left. I miss her awfully as she usually brings out my creative side and helps me to get out of my apartment to explore surrounding towns. When she's not here, I have my little stuffed kitty cat who keeps me company.

With regard to numbing, I hear you. When I'm presented with a really stressful and/or fear-provoking situation I retreat inside and put someone else out front (not in a DID way). All emotions are suspended because I need every ounce of energy and fortitude I can muster to get through what I must. Very unhealthy for most folk, but for me it's life-saving. I can't manage intense emotions in real-time. I need to be alone to process. It's such a pattern for me, that I don't think I question it anymore. It's just where I'm at. I also compartmentalize a great deal due to the many areas of stress in my life which might make me feel numb in some regards, but I feel a bit like a cat up on the ceiling right now in terms of stress, so I'm just working on stabilizing by using coping and grounding mechanisms, through positive self-talk and in journaling. No kicking of walls and no pressure; enlightenment will come when I am ready. I will reconnect with myself to a greater degree when I am ready. I trust my mind and heart to make those decisions right now.

That's not to say that I don't deal with the affects of trauma every day in the way I feel, think, behave. I do. Now, however, I try to be understanding and kinder to myself, and I look for a workaround as numbness tends to shut me down so I have to "Plan B" a lot. I know I can't be shutdown right now, I've got to get a job. If I can't manage a job applications, I switch over to doing chores and work on positive self-talk. At least I'm working on another area that needs shoring up. Maybe my mind knows I'm already overloaded and has gone into survival mode. I'm just trusting in the process, and putting one foot in front of the other. I choose to see this as growth and not that I've been beaten down by life, or beaten up by myself or others right now. Or, that I've quit or am in denial of the gravity of my situation. Those thoughts are there, but I'm going to stay on the other side of the argument for the time-being.

Hoping you find some peace within yourself with this. I know you've got a lot on top of you, but I see great inner awareness and strength coming through in your writing. Best - VB

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Friday, great point. And I agree and also auto compartmentalize, numb away most of the "boxes" so I can work.

And I know forcing something like that will have a bad ending (the wall will fall on me and what's behind it trample me. Been there) but again, what is causing me some worry is just simply that this "inner child" is gone.

See, before, when "she" was there, if I wasn't ready for something, it was kept from me by this non-alter alter type thing. If i "tapped" into "her" and I wasn't ready, I'd get nothing. Or I'd get something and that something would spin me (like when my mom was dying and after she died).

Remember, "she" held my young emotions and so now all of them are gone or numbed. And I have never been without "her". Even when im denial and being the most numb possible.

***

I just got out of my therapist's appointment (I was writing above while waiting) and he said that I did supress it all but he thinks my emotions that are haulted are "maturing" so he doesn't think that it's perm but a protection mode while the maturing happens so I can't feel it.

Not his exact wording. He made more sense but he thinks its only temp.