Sorry
@Snowflake. My reply really was a question for
@GrayOwl ba...
Yes. Absolutely yes. I believe you can make a conscious choice to trust, to care, and to deal with the cards you have been dealt with.
The choice part is a "YES", an absolute. The first part of any journey begins with what? The first step. One step only. That's all. And that is making the choice to move your foot that first step.
After that, the results will never be an absolute. They will be a process. And here I have to
ACCEPT that progress, those changes, at whatever pace they come to me. I have to wade through my anxieties, my frustrations and goals, my fears, my memories, my hopes, interpersonal relationships, triggers, etc etc etc ...... it's more complicated than the fri#%@%in weather for Pete's sake !!!!!!!!! ..............and Whoa!! Whoa!! and WOW I get so wound up cuz I'm not trusting and I'm not better and OMG I'm not this yet................ and....... so........... I........ just........ slow........... down....... and accept that it is a process. And it is happening in my life if I just keep trying.
Gray. Not black and white. Gray. It means somewhere in between. Somewhere in between not trusting at all, never, and trusting totally.
So, yes, I work very hard on GrayOwl"s patience and acceptance, and I put one foot in front of the other as often as I trust myself to be able to accept the results.
About that TRUST though: Suzetig said it perfectly: "Trust has been a slow, evolving concept".
All humans are fallible. All relationships and interactions are subject to interpretation. I have to learn what my definition of "trust" needs to be.
This is where , in my life, acceptance and patience, balanced against my wounds and pain, is so critical.
I have to accept that people, even those closest to me, have their own needs, thoughts, and paths, and that their actions, although at times seem hurtful or triggering to me, were truly not meant to be so, but were merely a byproduct of being in the same "space" together, all of us jostling around in the same little box. When I accept more of that, I begin to have trust that is acceptable within my boundaries. I trust that they did not mean to hurt me, not that they would be perfect.
I have applied this in my life and I am finding that under revised "trust" guidelines, there is improvement in my life and my attitude. It is slow. It ebbs and flows, so it's not always forward progress. It can hurt and be triggering. I am very careful (wounded animals usually are). I always try to have support nearby (mainly you guys, so Thanks!!), and exit routes and safe havens planned and available. And I am learning to spot predators and bullies much more perceptively.
To never trust again is a sad place. I'll take the chance that I might get hurt in order to have some trust in my life and a few meaningful friendships or relationships. I am so very careful, though. But, yes, it's been about 4 years since my worst trauma, and I am feeling, yes "feeling" the change that comes with putting that frightened little foot forward in front of the other one. It's a good feeling when it works, and worth working for. Just don't feel it has to be perfect. It's just "Gray".
I'm learning to pick the friends and the trust out of the minefield that is life.
(postnote: no intent to hijack Snowflakes' thread. The thoughts I expressed relate closely to how I view my relationship and trust issues with my T and closest sponsor. It has taken me many many years and been a slow process. But I see progress, feel it, make adjustments, and accept patiently, that it is occurring in my life today. So grateful for even the slightest progress.)
Thank you Snowflake for a very good thread.
