Relationship Relationship Avoidance

[Nola39]

I've dated someone who was diagnosed with PTSD after release from the military a few years ago.

We had an amazing month long relationship and we were very compatible and happy . She suffers from anxiety due to PTSD and I definitely understanding of that.

Anyway a little background on her. She was married for 5 years and been divorced for a year and half. And she told me briefly that she has PTSD due to being in the military.

Anyway suddenly she said she couldn't continue dating me. She couldn't explain why but later told me that I developed feelings deeper than hers. Maybe, but her actions showed that she had feelings for me ie love letters, saying she feels she hasn't seen in a long time when we saw each other 2 days prior, etc.
And two days later, she ends it.

Sorry for being lengthy. But as I research PTSD, I'm wondering if she's afraid of a serious relationship.

Could her sudden withdrawal from me be because of her PTSD? I guess I have so many questions on my mind.

When she split, she told me that she felt broken, and felt like a monster. I consoled her and was very understanding. Several times while we dated, she told me that she felt broken. It pained me to hear that. But I just listened to her and was compassionate.

Thank you for all your answers and help.

 

[Jensen]

Hi nola39
So sorry to hear your story, I know exactly what you're going though and the pain you are feeling. I am there too. I am not an expert or a sufferer, just a supporter like you, but it is my belief that it is love itself that triggers PTSD symptoms.Their will be those who pounce on this thread saying it is unproven. Call it the fear of having a relafionship, whatever. This forum is littered with accounts of relationships that start off like a fairy tale then crash and burn with no rational explanation. I should say no two people are alike and you can never generalize but I don't believe your thinking is at all wrong. PTSD is a devastating and destructive condition that steals happiness. When I started researching it I was hopeful that I would find solutions, sure, some do with therapies, counselling and medications etc. Now a month into it and in the absence unbelievable good fortune I just can't be optimistic any more, sorry but it's better to be realistic.

 

[TheMinsterman]

My girlfriend (well for now at least) often verbalised that she was broken and needed to be fixed, in fact it was something she used to say frequently. I always said that she isn't broken, she is somebody who needs to heal and learn to live again, but that was a oft repeated phrase.

There is no easy answer I am afraid to say, as I am discovering myself. Yeah PTSD is likely the reason she began to withdraw but whether it was also the reason she decided to split from you is another thing entirely. Mine has withdrawn and pushed me away as a result of my worry (I have OCD but I feel as though worry in this situation is justified), we've not officially broken up but a lot of her "issues" with our relationship have now suddenly begun to be vocalised, again you never know if that's PTSD or deep seated anger prior to the break.

All in all it's very tricky to decipher between what is the condition fuelling actions and what is not. Me and my partner were ridiculously close for years and in a month she basically withdrew from me completely, it can be very rapid, very stark and very jarring, I feel your pain.

Best advice I can give you? Focus on yourself, you cannot "fix" the problem and if you try will probably only be pushed away more. You need to decide what is best for you and don't get too caught up on the why's, you may never know and she may never tell you.

I wish I was the bearer of better news and with the almost total collapse of my own relationship you have to take into context where I've come from, you may find it different for you.

 

[Nola39]

Thank you for your responses. It has been very difficult and it's hard to get over for some odd reason. I've been in plenty of relationships in the past, and this was one of few that I had a full connection with. Meaning it was like we can finish each other's sentences. She even said I was like a male version of her. I'm praying she'll come around. But like you said, I will continue to work on myself. Thank you again.

 

[selfcompassion]

Yes, I believe getting in a healthy relationship is triggering. Now, I have complex ptsd, from an abusive, neglectful childhood. This was followed by repeating the pattern in two marriages..more abuse and neglect. I have fearful/ avoidance attachment issues as a result. My therapist told me the process of getting into a relationship would be difficult...I say terrifying. The better the fit the scarier it is. The more I click with someone, the more terrified I get. I feel terrified of being hurt and betrayed again... like it will kill me this time if it happens. As I said terrifying. It is an awful place to be, as I've never experience healthy love from an adult in my entire life tome. I crave it and am terrified at the same time...a catch 22. Howeve4, I don't see myself as broken or damaged anymore. I am simply injured.

 

[Nola39]

I just wish I can earn her trust, but I'm giving her space. I pray for her daily, hope she's doing ok.

I'm not abusive in anyway because I learned very young not to be that. I was bullied and verbally abused by my dad growing up.

It took me a long time to heal from it. Thankfully my for my mom's strength and compassion, she helped me through a lot. Of course I give credit to God for helping me in my darkest moments.

I wish she could see that she's not broken and how amazing she is. I know I've only known her briefly, but it was really wonderful. It was very different from my past relationships. I dated women who tried to manipulate me, and tried to change me. She didn't, we had so much in common.

Thank you selfcompassion for your response. I wish you all the best.

 

[selfcompassion]

I just wish I can earn her trust, but I'm giving her space. I pray for her daily, hope she's doing ok....

She will have to find her own way. We can't help, change, love, anyone into a healthier plane. Acceptence, understanding, support, all go a long way, but ultimately she will have to want to face her fears, tolerate them, not act on them, and let them disapate on their own. I know what I'm facing if I meet someone whom I can see myself getting close to. For now, I haven't had to face this situation, as I rarely date...lol. Time will tell...

 

[Nola39]

Thank you:)