Trying To Get Past A Sense Of Feeling Lesser Than

[Justmehere]

I'm trying to get past a sense of feeling lesser than everyone else on planet earth, or at least unworthy of real relationship with good decent people and positive places and opportunities. If I don't find a way through this, I will keep sabotaging myself. I'm so frustrated with myself about this.

There are two good guys friends that I have kinda of friend-zoned, when really, if it could be something more, I would really want it to be something more. They have both asked me out for coffee, and I'm not sure if it was a date or as friends, but it was an invite to be in a closer relationship. I said I'd let them know when I had time. UGH. Lately, I keep thinking they both deserve someone better than me.

I keep thinking I would make them unhappy, and want them to be happy, so I don't let it become anything more. Closer friends or dating.

Wtf. Why am I doing this to myself?

A friend shared with me her grief about missing her boyfriend when he struggles with his mental health. She doesn't know I have PTSD or anything, but she described how much she missed him when he gets depressed and isolates himself. She misses him. Supporters on the forums often write the same.

They miss the sufferer.

I have this sense all the time that everyone is putting up with me, barely, because that's what I have been told SO MANY TIMES. I don't remember what it feels like to have someone say "I miss you." or "I love you" - just as I am. Because they enjoy being around me. Instead it's been, "we will allow you here, if you behave and/or do xyz for us."

Clients and employers are giving better and better feedback... but I don't really take it in. I get in my own way all the time.

I know I'm setting myself up for failure with school and relationships with this kind of thinking. This all comes from messages that abusers gave me and the years that frankly, I couldn't do school or be in close relationships at all. My therapist assures me now that I can do school, keep increasing the hours I'm working, and I do have the ability to be in close relationships - I have close friends, sort of.

I don't know how to give myself a chance. I feel so inferior to EVERYONE, and it's stupid. Maybe I am inferior, but so what? Maybe life isn't all about me.

It's coming up in my process with going back to school. I keep having panic attacks over thinking they won't want me around, and then I avoid the whole thing. Regardless if they accept me or not, I will never get anywhere if I don't finally send off the application. I have a psych doc who is willing to write a letter supporting my admission back to school. (I was kicked out due to PTSD symptoms that didn't impact anyone but me and my campus doctor that I kept having panic attacks around - long painful confusing story of stigma and discrimination that I could have sued over if I had not been so sick over it when it all happened.) I have two good references that can write me good letters for school.

I am in tears trying to call them and tell them I need the letters... I'm frozen with panic. I keep thinking "I'm a horrible person, they will all reject me, they don't want to put up with me." Unless I pick up the phone and call, I will only PROVE THEM RIGHT. And geez, if I am going to prove them right, I might as well actually apply and get the process started. If they reject me, I can try again next year, and at other schools.

Yet the panic and tears are still here. Ugh. I'm frustrated. Anyone else feel like this? Have success getting past this?

 

[J'qel]

Paralyzing fear of failure keeping you from making a move? Oh yes. Similar "you'll never do anything" prior experience too.

I coped with it by getting ticked off at the people who told me that; sort of an "I'll show you!!", but I don't know if that's constructive, and it didn't help me in the long run. Once I relaxed away from my anger and realized I could do it, I started sliding back into other symptoms, my anger just held it at bay for a while.

I think a therapist who can help you with building your self esteem back up would do a world of good, but you need to find one you can trust and work with, which might be difficult all on it's own.

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks for the good feedback! The "I'll show you" mind set has gotten me past a few hurdles, but with school and dating, it's not quite enough.

I think a therapist who can help you with building your self esteem back up would do a world of good, but you need to find one you can trust and work with, which might be difficult all on it's own.

I have a great therapist now, whom I trust, who is always reassuring me and telling me how capable and worthy I am. It simply doesn't stick :(

I want to trust that it's real for people outside of just her.

 

[J'qel]

I wish I could help more.

Keep going to your therapist, it may some day stick, or maybe she'll have some better ideas on things that can work. I'll keep my hopes up for you. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I feel the same @Justmehere . Pretty much exactly.

:hug: Xox

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Justmehere I'm getting the impression that you have low self esteem. If this is the issue, then CBT therapy would help you. Also, sit down a write out all of the good points about yourself. Give yourself credit even if it's a very minor thing that you have put on that list.

Self esteem comes from within and when we have more self esteem, people notice and they input valuable information and praise that also boost our self esteem...

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure if it's the same for @Justmehere , but do you think, @She Cat , that it could be something a bit different or deeper than self-esteem? Maybe self-worth, or shame, or something else? Simply because cbt didn't impact that for me, and as @Justmehere said it just doesn't 'stick'? (I can't quite pinpoint the rare times things do stick, or rather 'why' they would/ did stick).

(Thank you.)

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Junebug IMO, self worth and low self esteem are pretty much the same, and shame isn't far behind. When someone does CBT, it's not something that you just stop doing once your sessions are over with. Depression can really screw with our heads, and the inner critic becomes really loud. CBT helps to tame that inner critic, and it takes time and patience.

Everybody has something that they excel in or do well in and they should start using that as a starting place. Being good at something, and knowing that they are good at it, helps to build their self confidence, self esteem, self worth. I also believe that we need to start loving ourselves, or at least like ourselves. It's really hard to build self esteem/self worth when you dislike yourself.

 

[J'qel]

Self Esteem is the term for, well, what esteem we hold ourselves in.

However, I think what Junebug may be trying to get at is that it can be tied to emotional abuse, which makes it more complicated than standard self esteem issues.

Finding a way to conquer established and ingrained self esteem issues because of years of abuse can be extremely difficult, as conquering emotional abuse is ...complicated(for many reasons).

 

[Teasel]

Short on words but can relate such a lot to this.
I think @Junebug is right about shame...

 

[Tinyflame]

However, I think what Junebug may be trying to get at is that it can be tied to emotional abuse, which makes it more complicated than standard self esteem issues.

I think that might be very, very correct.

Thank you all.

 

[Tinyflame]

Being good at something, and knowing that they are good at it, helps to build their self confidence, self esteem, self worth. I also believe that we need to start loving ourselves, or at least like ourselves

Not sure if this is similar for @Justmehere , & I hesitate to say anything as it's not my thread and don't feel it's right to, but only to mention it doesn't seem to have anything (for me) to do with being good at things, nor relative to others, except to say I value their accomplishments or qualities more than I believe I posess, and relate to @Justmehere expressing I feel that they'd be better off with someone that's not 'me'. Not that I'm less sincere, or such, but that's less challenging/ they'd be happier. Not sure how to explain. :( Not what I do, rather what I 'am'.

Yes I've called it allergic-to-myself before. :rolleyes:

Thanks again to everyone and @Justmehere . :hug: