Dom Violence Meeting With Friends

[trying2movefwd]

Hi. So my husband had a porn addiction and one night he turned into a different person to make a long story shorter whilst I was sick and exhausted he raped me. My daughter saw it. He also made other mistakes, watching porn with 7 year old son who supposedly was asleep while pleasuring himself fully clothed and under a blanket (still grosses me out) . . . We seperated I couldn't stand that he did these things plus other offenses (i.e. kissing my sister against her will). His family threatened me and I ran to a shelter with my kids. I filed for temporary custody and I got the kids. I filed for a divorce.....and almost two years in I find out that husband has been in a recovery group for two years and in counseling weekly for two years. He begins helping with my gas, kids clothes, mine and kids needs. I start thinking he is really trying to change so I call attorney and drop the divorce case so we can work on reconciliation, he is willing to get counseling together before we move back in together,etc....anyway my concerned friends have called me to a meeting with them this morning and I am totally nervous and freaking out. I need their support and not criticism. I just needed to write this out. Im not sure what im asking here. Just sharing, i guess.

 

[mamachick]

Im sure your friends are genuinely concerned for you and knowing what you have already been through, realize that you deserve so much better than you have had. I hope they are support for you at this difficult time. Divorce is never easy, the uncertainty causes so much fear, and especially with small children. Just know your supports are here as well. Im sure your friends want nothing but your happiness and safety.

 

[Friday]

If you were my friend, I'd be telling you that there is zero chance in hell I will continue to be friends with someone who rapes a child's mother in front of her, or with anyone who willingly brings that child -or any child- around that prick. Furthermore that if this is the choice you are making, I will be taking every step within my power to have those children legally removed from your care. Because no amount of gas money is worth the sexual abuse of children. And that beyond, that? We were through.

You read on here, all the time, "Why didn't anyone do anything?!? Why didn't anyone stop it?!? Why didn't anyone care?!?"

The truth is, oftentimes, people DO try and do something, stop the abuse, and cared deeply. But when parents are determined to abuse their children? There is very little that can -legally- be done. The courts just keep giving kids back, abused spouses just keep going back, and the kids just keep being abused.

As my friend, I would consider telling you ahead of time, fair warning. Cross that line, and we'd be done. I will not support child abuse. No matter how much I care, or once cared, for the person doing it. Your children. Your choice. But I will not stand by an do nothing, much less cheer you on. That's my choice.

 

[mamachick]

Sorry this is off the subject a bit, but I admire those of you that take such a strong stance, that are not afraid to say what you mean, and know your position exactly. I guess I am not use to strong people....but know you are right.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Hi. So my husband had a porn addiction and one night he turned into a different person to make a...

I will never attempt to influence the victims of domestic violence. But please give me just one or two minutes of your time to explain one important thing: abusers of all kinds will do the 2 way abusive cycle. They will get mad at you for no apparent reason, then they will be sweet as sugar to lull you back into false security.
The only thing is: if you are not dependent on their money, if you do not depend on them to survive, to have food, to have shelter, well then you still have the upper hand.
An abuser will try to control you by giving you money, including food, clothing, and shelter. If you offer a relationship to a person in which the 2 parties will keep their own ways of live, their own independence, their own clear mind, that is what you should consider.
I will never accept a relationship in which I will not be allowed to make my own decisions, the freedom to live how I want to live is very important to me. If anyone would step up to me offering house and home, which believe it or not has been offered subconsciously by many predators, I would recoil and run because I would instantly know that by "offering" me those comforts it is often implied that that person then has the control over you.

Real relationships let you love a person without having to be reliant on their resources.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@trying2movefwd I think I would think long and hard before giving up my apartment and moving back in with him. Yes, sometimes people can change, but he has a lot of issues he needs to deal with, and I'm not sure that total change is possible. He has porn issues, anger issues, boundary issues, parenting issues,respect issues, and the list goes on and on.... Don't be taken in by the "wolf in sheeps clothing "