Relationship I Have Done Something Stupid... Message Another Guy And Hubbie Has Read The Messages

[scifik]

I am hoping that my post will simplify things for you, as previous commenters have already laid out most of the facts.

You deserve better. Why are you living this life?

People cheat, it happens, but shouldn't happen more than once. Because at the very least, the fact that you had to cheat is really just proof that this relationship is about as close to over or non-existent as it can get. Are you staying because you don't think you can find someone else to marry one day? Are you staying for financial reasons? Or are you staying because you're unaware you like being emotionally ignored for years on end, it makes you comfortable and you're just waiting to accept it?

Is he willing to work on HIMSELF AND the MARRIAGE by reading books, going to counseling, doing self-help etc?

Do you know on average it takes 2 years for a couple to fully overcome cheating? Only if they do a lot of therapeutic work. Are you willing? Is he willing? If he's not going to become a better person who is dedicated to healing his PTSD where he could at least give his wife a hug, then you need to muster up enough self esteem to leave this "marriage". I use quotations because so many people are married but living a total sham, nothing to resemble the true, full values of marriage. I speak as someone with outrageously bad CPTSD. Never will I use my PTSD as an excuse to let years go by without being affectionate in a marriage. Absolutely unacceptable. Having PTSD may come with triggers and plenty of difficulties, including days where maybe affection needs to be minimal for some, but it does not give a person the right to hold someone else "hostage"/prisoner/captive/trapped/married for years without affection. That's called abuse. Done and done.

 

[anthony]

People cheat, it happens, but shouldn't happen more than once.

Shit, you're tolerant. I've only ever had one girlfriend knowingly cheat... and she was pretty much a total root rat, to be honest, come liar. She couldn't help herself and had others going all at once, lies, lies and more lies. The moment I found out, I booted her arse to the curb.

Accidents happen, but cheating is not an accident. You don't accidentally slip and a dick slides in you, or a vagina pops out of the bush and jumps a penis. There is nothing accidental about it for me, thus there is a zero tolerance policy on it.

I can't say I have a whole lot of morals... but cheating is one of them. Zero tolerance is the level IMHO for any relationship. Like I say to my wife, if I wanted to sleep with someone else, then this relationship is already over. Cheating is just lying... I may as well say its over, then go root someone else. That comes with honesty IMO.

I've never met a couple who lasted after cheating. I think any that did last... 2 years still wouldn't be enough. If the person sent any minor signs of possible unknown whereabouts to the other, they would be thinking they're cheating. I don't think you could get that from your mind once a partner did it.

 

[Powder]

I'm a life-long PTSD sufferer. Like you, I met my husband at a young age. You say you are in mid-40's and have been with this man for 30 years. Were you teenagers when you started being a couple? We were.

Recent psychology studies suggest the "investment" model in long-term relationships. This means, when you've invested a large chunk of time, money, and your energy into a long-term relationship, you're less likely to want to walk away because of the investment. However, this is not logical and doesn't have any bearing on the future or happiness.

The reality is, if you were not happy for 30 years, you're never going to be with this person. You have to be the same person you are with this person because they have you trapped in their sights and affirm your identity to you each day. It's hard to change in big ways.

Maybe you want to change into a different, more happy person, and you feel you cannot in this marriage. The other person isn't the only thing, it's also who you get to be when you're with that new person.

I am not speaking from experience but from having thought about why people go through this stuff. I am probably wrong, as for me it's all hypothetical.

But I do feel trapped in being who I am. Sometimes this makes it hard to appreciate or feel worthy of my mate. This is a problem that goes along with being me.

No matter how messy it is inside my being, I decided long ago that I love my husband, and that he put his faith in me. I won't let him down. I could never hurt him. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially since I know what it feels like to be betrayed and hurt by someone who's supposed to have your back in life.

I have made the mistake of imagining I could be a "new version of me" that would feel different/better with a fresh start, but I know that is not true. I have never acted on this mistaken feeling, but in my lowest moments, I have fantasized, not of being with someone else, but of using someone else to find a new me. Truly selfish and coming from a broken place inside.

 

[Sunshine71]

I'm a life-long PTSD sufferer. Like you, I met my husband at a young age. You say you are in mid-40's and h...

Thank you for your super rely Muse.... I just wanted to say thank you and also yes I have been with my hubbie for nearly 30 years - maybe 27 years..... PTSD reared its ugly head about 10 years ago and then got worse over the past 7 years. We havent been unhappy for 30 years.... just really unhappy for the past 7 while we were trying to rebuild a new career for hubbie and get support for his PTSD.

I have now made things even worse by what I did.... I hate that this happened.... I just want some nice time/ to be close to my hubbie - and now he wants this even less right now....

:(

xx

 

[Powder]

You're so welcome if my post was any help at all.

I get that things can be relatively happy and positive and then take a turn for the worse when there is change.

My wonderful husband has always had a passive aggressive, defensive side that rears its head when he's insecure to an unmanageable (for him) degree. It's his coping method that he has as habit. Lately, it's harming me with his gaslighting and taking out his negativity from lack of adult coping and boundaries at work. Other men challenge him and I end getting emotionally lampooned for no reason.

I love him, but as the sufferer with PTSD from long term abuse, as you can imagine, its not pretty inside these days. I am ready to go back to therapy solely for the emotional abuse in my marriage, not necessary even my PTSD.

 

[Sunshine71]

I am so sorry to read this Muse. My hubbie has stayed away 2 nights now and it feels like a weight has been lifted. He come back for a few hours yesterday to see our son and flared up because we were getting on and didnt stop everything to focus / be with him. He didnt say this however this is how I feel. I wonder if you could have some space if you need therapy for emotion abuse in your marriage? It just all doesnt seem fair :( Sending love Sunshine x

 

[Sunshine71]

I wish I didn't message back the guy I met last year - well lets call it what it really is .... "sexting". It was just quite wonderful to have some attention even if it wasn't real at all. When I said to stop messaging me and he carried on I should have not replied. Hindsight is a great thing.

I have NEVER done anything like that before and I didn't even know it was a 'thing'. If you knew me you would know how out of character this is.

Just for once I felt a bit of happiness/ fun. I just always wished this was my hubbie.

Sunshine xx

 

[Powder]

I hear you. It's one of those things, I suppose that we want other to own how their actions make us feel, but when it comes to our own actions, we want others to see our intentions were not bad, rather than how it made them feel.

That goes both ways.

So, it's not about my needs or intentions being valid or good, its about how it ended up effecting the other person.

Think about that. I hear you that you were vulnerable because of unmet needs. You feel into that trap because you were in denial of those needs. How can you meet your own needs and be more powerful? If your husband cannot meet your emotional needs (and I don't know this, maybe he can?) then how can they be met in a neutral way? I don't know if that's possible, but it seems something has to change. Can't go on that way without further damage happening eventually.

I guess if you can figure out what the man texting made you feel like (attractive, feminine, powerful, important, respected) whatever the adjective, there is usually other ways to feel at least one of those things. Maybe a sport or hobby, or a new job.

I hope you find it. :)

 

[anthony]

Just for once I felt a bit of happiness/ fun. I just always wished this was my hubbie.

If you're unhappy, then you can be honest about it with your hubby, leave him, and seek out happiness. I'm not saying it doesn't come with a whole lot of mess / complications, but the end result is you will be happy for the longer term.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Accidents happen, but cheating is not an accident. You don't accidentally slip and a dick slides in you, or a vagina pops out of the bush and jumps a penis. There is nothing accidental about it for me, thus there is a zero tolerance policy on it.

^^^ This is what I feel about it 110%. Zero tolerance as well.

My ex had an ex girlfriend of his back in his homestate send him naked pics. I hacked into his email addy (hacked is a wrong word but anyway) and found them. He tried to redirect about me getting into his email addy. No, you ass, can't redirect. Then he tried to make an excuse. His attempt was ridiculous. I threw the laptop at him and that was that, I walked out and have never been back. I did try again years later but he hadn't change and I had gained a little bit of "I deserve better" so it just never worked out and this girl was in another State but it was cheating. If you are having conversations with someone other then your SO about sex, thats cheating in my opinion and it doesn't just happen as you have to figure out a way to sneak around which means, it didnt just happen and second, you knew it was wrong by sneaking around.

If you're unhappy, then you can be honest about it with your hubby, leave him, and seek out happiness

Also agreed. You cannot start something with guy B before you end things with guy A. Leave guy A first then go be happy with guy B because not only is it not healthy and hurts guy A to cheat but it isn't healthy and hurts yourself.

You may wish it were your husband but its not. So you cant just keep him hanging and/or in the dark while you are having fun with guy B. It isn't fair for either one of you plus it strains the relationship you have with guy B when if you left your husbamd first then you and guy B may have a chance.

Emotional affairs are affairs in my opinion. If you don't get what you need from your husband, leave him. But leave him before you start anything with any other guy.

 

[Powder]

Sunshine, I hope you value yourself and take this real important issue into counseling to figure out what is best for you. It's not about if he's mad, it's about what your life is about and is fear in the way of taking any steps to making life more than just survival.

 

[Sunshine71]

Dear like minded friends
I am back on the forum and thought I would post an update following my message a year ago.

Hubby spent 6 months staying round a friends house.

He is "trying" to come back but sleeps on my sons mattress on the floor - he is not able to sleep in the bed with me.

I am just beside myself and trying to get on.

So the past year has been a nightmare and I can't see that it will change .... all because I got some attention from someone with some text messages and that led to "sexting" something I never thought I would do.

I hoped that this would be a wake up call and we could work on a marriage but instead a year later he is devastated, angry and can not forget it happened. I have never even kissed another man in nearly 30 years... but yes I messed up and I couldnt be more sorry,

Its so hard.
Sorry but wanted to give you an update as so many of you took the time to respond.
With thanks Sunshine