Wanting It To Hurt

[Hopefully]

I am just starting on a course of EMDR and have been given all the warnings that it is going to be difficult and challenging and it will probably get worse before it gets better.

Is it strange or wrong that I want it to be hard, I want it to hurt?

Does anyone else have this or understand what it is?

 

[Leighlee87]

In a way, I did too. I was terrified of going through with the process, but at the same time, the idea of doing something that painful excited me? idk. I still can't make sense of it.

 

[Hopefully]

In a way, I did too. I was terrified of going through with the process, but at the same time, the id...

It's odd isn't it. I can't decide if I want or expect it to feel like some kind of punishment or if I want it to hurt as some kind of validation that it was traumatic. Looking at past behaviours I think the second makes the most sense, I think I want something tangible to see and feel, everything is so internalised I think I am craving some real to which I can say 'see that, that there, that hurts'.

Such an odd pool of emotions!

 

[illusionist]

I haven't had EMDR , but before going starting counceling for sexual abuse etc I was told that it would be painful. I remember thinking in my head ' no pain, no gain '........to me, I wanted the pain, I needed it to come out so that it could be all dealt with, swept down, and find a new me.

 

[Hopefully]

I haven't had EMDR , but before going starting counceling for sexual abuse etc I was told that it w...

Thanks @illusionist that is the reason I am there too. It does feels daunting to know it is doing to be painful but I think like you I know it all needs to come out, I can't keep it all inside, it's doing too much damage. Just not sure how healthy it is to really want to feel that pain, it feels like it isn't coming from the best place, it feels more harming than healing.

 

[mrsmegan]

I totally get that. I think part of it, for me, is to prove to myself that yes, it was THAT BAD. I just said this in another post, but I feel unable to validate my own feelings. I need someone to tell me it is okay to feel how I do - so if it destroys me, then it proves how much pain I'm in :(

Ugh, I feel totally f*cked-up admitting that....

 

[Heather]

You are not f*cked up for saying that. You are being honest. What's that saying: you're only as sick as your secrets.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I am just starting on a course of EMDR and have been given all the warnings that it is going to be di...

Ahem, no..... wanted it to help me, that's all.

 

[Hopefully]

I totally get that. I think part of it, for me, is to prove to myself that yes, it was THAT BAD. I jus...

Yes, that's it. I don't know if it's wrong to say but I completely get this. I know it's not ideal but this feels so true. Feels weird wanting it to do that but at least I know it's not just me!

 

[Anarchy]

There is a frequent assumption of a sort of labour theory of value

In economics, the objective labour theory of value that Adam Smith came up with (he was a Calvinist and Calvinists see labour as virtuous) and Ricardo, J A Mill and then Marx adopted, results in contradictions, and repeatedly took economic theory up dead ends.

But there's still a repeated popular assumption that if something was unpleasant, then it must have been worthwhile. Just watching the news you'll hear it repeted time after time. It's entirely fallacious. People do unpleasant things because the end is valuable.

Unpleasant means don't somehow make the end valuable.

With sexual stuff, self punishment is very common, for example people convinced that they've caught something from an encounter, and subjecting themselves to repeated tests, all of them coming back negative.

It's well worth articulating the feeling to your T.

 

[Ronin]

Is it strange or wrong that I want it to be hard, I want it to hurt?

Not strange nor wrong; do you feel it's only progress if it hurts? Or that it's only real if it hurts? Or that it only matters if it hurts?

Three things coming to mind the fastest, out of multitude of possible reasons you might feel like this so asking if that might help you clarify anything. Not strange, whichever the reason for it may be.

 

[Hopefully]

@Anarchy That is an interesting way to look at it, maybe it is deeply ingrained like that. It is hard to really understand the feeling I have but I think it does come from a self punishing angle. I am not sure if it is something I can articulate with my T, my dialogue with her isn't that open, I try my best to answer her questions but I have never asked her one!

@Ronin I think all of those three reasons feel right and maybe as well that this is what I expect from disclosure. I feel the need to be in control and I think in expecting it to hurt could be me preparing myself for when it happens. Probably a combination of many different things.

I guess it's not strange considering why I am there but just feels odd as it is one of the first times I've noticed that it feels like that is what I am seeking.