Wanting It To Hurt

[Anarchy]

and Ricardo, J A Mill and then Marx adopted

Damned auto correct
It was J S Mill, as in John Stewart (Rothbard called him el wimpo)
[/OCD]

 

[Lissar]

I often want it to hurt too.
Maybe because I feel like that validates the experience.
Maybe because I know that lots of stuff is locked in my body that needs to come out.
Maybe because I need someone (like my therapist) to really see and understand how much pain I went through and am still in.

Whatever the reason, you're not alone.

 

[katz]

It's odd isn't it. I can't decide if I want or expect it to feel like some kind of punishment or if...

It does sound odd--to me too. I had a hard time realizing that the "feelings" are what I want the most. Like a mourning.

When I read your line about validation--that really hit home for me. Those strong feelings would really help prove to me that "it" really happened, even though I know they did. The emotions would help me a lot.

 

[Hopefully]

Hi @katz, I think the validation is really important isn't it. It like it is permission to allow your to feel.

I really struggle with feelings, I thought I had no emotions around some of my memories, but I think I am starting to realise they are there, I just don't know how to identify them and that I am really scared of feeling them.

I really understand that battle between needing to know it really happened and knowing it did.

 

[katz]

Not strange nor wrong; do you feel it's only progress if it hurts? Or that it's only real if it hurts? Or...

Now, "that" question made me start thinking......I sat for at least 10 minutes asking myself this...

 

[Rumors]

Now, "that" question made me start thinking......I sat for at least 10 minutes asking myself this...[/QUOT...

OR, do you believe you deserve the pain? I feel like I deserve the pain and if I get better that is great too but I have a need to relive every filthy thing I have done bc in my mind I need to hurt in order to heal. Almost like acknowledging my filth before I shower...

 

[Hopefully]

OR, do you believe you deserve the pain?

For me it is a combination of it all, which is I guess why it feels so confusing, but yes a part of it is definitely feeling like I deserve it. Having shared a lot of details with my T yesterday and I am still waiting for what feels like the inevitable fallout. As that doesn't seem to be coming it kind of feels like I should do that myself.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am sorry but I cannot relate to this, I did not want the pain when I was doing EMDR. But parts of it were painful until the mental shifts began to occur. To be able to put all of the blame and shame and being tortured by memories, I just wanted to be free of the baggage.

I was really ready for this experience. It totally changed my life for the better. I was no longer in bondage to the painful memories.

I had put all of the blame and shame on me instead of being able to see the situations more realistically and outside of my tiny box.

There was pain. But I am free of it now. I hope that this perspective helps.

 

[Hopefully]

@gizmo It is really great to hear that EMDR has had such a positive impact, I really hope it does for me too. I don't know if I would say I feel ready for it, I am still constantly down playing and denying what happened. What feels difficult is that all the therapy I am having is going against that belief. I think that worry that it will hurt reassures me that it was bad. Maybe it is all a way to make how I feel be validated.

I think I also worry about being on the other side of it and not feeling all these, as horrible as they are, feelings that I am use to. If it bad feel bad how will I remember that it was? Does any of that make any sense?

Sorry, that should say if it doesn't feel bad how will I remember that it was?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Hopefully What helped me the most was the transfer of carried shame and blame and self loathing go handed back to those who abused me, It was a very freeing experience. I have even been having good dreams for awhile now.

 

[Anarchy]

[Multi like]
what Gizmo wrote.

There's a lot of stuff that you are probably blaming yourself for at the present time. EMDR seems to allow the memories to be processed

Once they're just ordinary memories, instead of indelible unchanging trauma memories with emotions attached, you can begin reframing them and updating them.

You are a very different person now, compared to the little girl who was manipulated into participating.

That little girl didn't know what she was getting roped into, where it would escalate to, and the problems that it would be causing grown up you all of these years later.

Compared to that little girl, you have far more insight now, you're more articulate, you can consider long term consequences...

Also, your brother is almost certainly a very different person now to the child then teenager who got his little sister to participate.

The EMDR is intended to process the memories, so that you are no longer sucked back into them with all of the shame attached

Once they're just ordinary memories, you can begin exploring all of those insights that are available to you now as an adult, and begin rebuilding your life without the toxic shame that currently clouds so many of your views of your self and your eligibility to interact with other people as their equal.

 

[Hopefully]

That is really insightful, thank you @Anarchy. It makes perfect sense of course just tough to read, tough to really think of myself back then, in those moments.

You are right in that this is only the beginning. Hopefully once I can bear the memories a little better I can try to challenge some of these distorted beliefs.