Relationship Good Days They Want All These Things With You And Then Bad Days It's The Total Opposite. Why??

[Mon15]

Hello All!

Advise please, both Sufferer and Supporters (I hate using those terms).

This is what I don't understand, especially after 1.5 years... One minute you are the best thing that has ever happened to them and they want to marry you and planning a future. Then the triggers come, the anger strikes and they want nothing to do with you or the things they said they wanted previously, they isolate. Then a couple of weeks later you get, it hurts or I miss you, I love you more than anything, you're the only thing I've thought about. You talk, your S/O tells you the same things again and says they have been selfish and doesn't want to do life without you in it and they love you so much. Things are great for a few days, the S/O is back to talking about the future and planning trips, etc. Then boom... A stress call comes in, they leave, you get a message stating that they don't feel the same anymore, they don't want all the things they just expressed they wanted (without any pressure from you), they don't want to talk about it anymore, they just want to be left alone.

Why does this happen and then you are all of a sudden left in the dark (what it seems)?

I understand giving them their space and when/If they are ready they will contact you, but at the same time you are left wondering why they would say all of these great things and then all of a sudden, they want none of it???

 

[desiderata310]

Honestly? Because it's a bad space of time. Because we start thinking this is too hard, life is too hard, I'm a piece of shit and need to get away form everyone, you're the center of when things got harder and I should walk away, life is too hard and I just need to be alone because life is easier that way. Enter any other flawed thinking you like.
That's ptsd.
Look up the ptsd stress cup on the site. Even good stress is stress.

 

[Mon15]

@desiderata310 Thank you for your reply!

I've reverted back to the stress cup a few times and it is pretty helpful. I guess maybe it was too soon to go back not knowing this other stress was in the mix before it took it's turn and made it overflow again.

When this happens, do I take it that it is just the PTSD and leave it be? I've only been through and experienced this episode once (same time last year), and things were fine afterwards and back to normal, but after the last message received, it's like he is completely done?

 

[desiderata310]

@Mon15 I honestly can't say! I can't even begin to manage a relationship along with my ptsd.
One thing I will say is that you should go on with life regardless. Sitting around and fretting is not really good for you and in the long run won't be good for him.

If it is all just PTSD, what your sufferer probably needs to is time, space, and to know you are a constant and consistent. Is it possible that it's over? Could be.
Do you know how many times I have walked out of therapy vowing never to return only to walk back in the next week? Almost every week for months at a time.

There are other "supporters" here who will have better insight into dealing with a relationship. I think they should be the ones to talk to you. There are also articles written about ptsd relationships on the site. Check them out. I am staring at a section of bark on one tree. I don't think I am capable of seeing the entire forest.

Personally, I don't feel that it's fair to be like this which is why I have decided not to date. I would drive my partner stark raving mad because I would just ghost on them when it became too much, that's assuming they could get close in the first place.

 

[boodle]

Hello All!

Advise please, both Sufferer and Supporters (I hate using those terms).

This is what I don...

@Mon15 I recently split with my SO because this was happening all the time. They would would say I was the best thing, then become distant for a while, then make me out to be a monster, they would shut down and disappear for a week, then contact me, apologise saying I was the best thing. Repeat every fortnight.
If it is just happening once or twice a year and he distances for just a relatively short period then I wouldn't worry too much about it. Let him have his space and he will be back. At least if there is a pattern of it happening the same time each year, its something you could mentally prepare for.

 

[desiderata310]

At least if there is a pattern of it happening the same time each year,

If there's a pattern of it happening like that, it's likely an anniversary and you can be pretty sure that they are more miserable than you are and are just trying to survive

 

[Mon15]

Thank you @boodle and @desiderata310

It is an anniversary time of bad things... death, survival and soldier suicides after coming back. Holidays, especially Christmas- he hates the month of December. This time he tried to get through it without shutting me out, but I guess the pressures from work and other events that occurred that brought on stress, he couldn't take it anymore.

I know he is miserable and fighting this battle in his mind of trying to survive, but I wish the lash out on me wasn't so harsh. I don't contact him at all because I don't want it to spiral, so I just patiently wait, hope and pray the "he" will return. Don't get me wrong, I continue on and try to bury myself in work and try to travel for work when the opportunity comes just to get away. It's just a hard time from me right now too as I am about to have a major surgery, and I have to get my mind cleared before I am stuck at home healing for 4-6 weeks and can't be dwelling on what has happened between us. I'm also sure that this surgery doesn't help his mind set either... It has a high success rate and is done on older people all of the time, but being somewhat young it makes it kind of scary for both of us.

 

[Buttercup]

@Mon15 I feel your pain! This has happened to me several times in a very short, 8 month relationship. Three times he has said it's over, and twice he has even blocked my number. Yet so far he has come back every time. I hope, in some weird way, that might be a comfort or give you some hope that he will be back.

@desiderata310 explains it so well for me. I think this is exactly what happens with my vet. the slightest added stress sends him off. This after he tells me he's crazy about me and misses me and thinks about me all the time. Making plans for the future too. It makes it tough even when you get back together wondering when/if it will happen again.

Just keep giving him the space and be strong. For me during these shutouts, it's a day by day and sometimes minute by minute process where I have to remind myself what is going on and not get too anxious. Super hard to do!

:hug::hug::hug:

 

[desiderata310]

I get it. I've been in the hole since October and I'm only now climbing back out of it. Yes, about a quarter of the year is completely f*cked for me. The last were two deaths and a birthday all within a week of each other. It's been rough.

If I were in a relationship, I would have completely shut down and shut the person out. I was barely making it through doing the day to day things I MUST DO. Oh wait, I wasn't doing those things (with any consistency)

Re: your impending surgery yes that will probably be an added stressor. Sorry.

Gotta ask, is your SO in therapy? I have a serious love/hate relationship with therapy but that and this site really help when it gets bad.

Maybe when things are calm again you can suggest those two things?

"Depression and trauma are disconnective disorders. They do not improve in isolation. To fix them you have to be connected to others."

 

[TheMinsterman]

If it helps, me and my SO/ExSO (I hate typing it that way but it's so unclear) stopped speaking for about a week, then she came back and text out of curiosity of whether I was ignoring her or not. They can isolate quite extremely and still come back to speak, I can't tell you mine has come back to repair anything or not, but she's reopened communications and begun sharing a lot with me again.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Also, let me add a perspective as somebody who suffers from OCD (it'll have it's own nuances but it may help.)

On the good days, I'm confident, I feel able to say what I want, to be who I really "am" at my core, I feel safe, I feel stable, I feel like my world is rotating just as it should be.

Then come the bad. Everything becomes distorted, I live minute by minute, second by second, I get lost in my own mind, I lose my confidence in everything, I don't know what is or isn't real anymore, do they really love me? Are we even together? Can a f*ck up like me really love anyway? Swirl, swirl, swirl. I am in overdrive, everything is just moving so fast and I don't want to drag them into my swirling obsessions, so I push away, I come across as though maybe everything I said wasn't how I feel.

What people say in a crisis may be reflective, partly, of how they feel, but often it's about survival there and then, I always try to express that no discussion should end with what I say in an OCD cycle, we have to conclude it when I've come down from the horrible swirling "high". That may take some time, but if I am still saying "it's over" when I am calmer, then it's more likely I mean it.

 

[Mon15]

@Mon15 I feel your pain! This has happened to me several times in a very short, 8 month...

Thank you! I too have to distract my mind constantly, but have a great support group (friends and parents) that helps me keep my head up and tell me to stay positive. I hope everything works out well for you too!