When Is The Best Time To Have Important Conversations?

[Shoka]

Hi,

I'm a carer wondering when the best time to have an important and necessary "relationship" conversation is with someone who has PTSD.

In my situation, I often hold on to the things I need to talk about until I can find the "right" time to talk to my sufferer, and this has usually backfired on me. I always try to talk things out with other people in my support system first and then have a less emotional conversation with my sufferer, but sometimes it's impossible to leave all emotion aside during a conversation about our relationship.

Are there any general rules of thumb folks can advise me on as it related to this?
Obviously, I know that if my sufferer is having any kind of an episode, the timing is bad, but other than that, can someone offer some thoughts, tips, advice?

Shoka

 

[Noone.]

Hi Shoka.

I want to say thank you for being who you are, it can't be easy.
I have PTSD and at times talking let alone breathing is a challange.
I have said before, we as sufferers spend so much time pushing away the ones
we love that we forget what it's like to pull close.
Don't give up.
Were right there we just don't know it.

Take care,

FIRE.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Shoka,

Certainly not when he is having issues, but you can't walk on eggshells either. Approach the subject when he is having a fairly good day.

I think if the subject is touchy, it really won't matter when or how you start it, it will probably cause some friction. Sometimes you just can't avoid causing waves.....

 

[jefferylee]

Hi Shoka,

OK, here's a tip I use w/ my kids but I'm not positive it would be right in your situation. I've found that sometimes the only time I can get their attention is when we are in the car together...a captive audience so to speak ...and unless they're planning on jumping out,they're pretty much stuck listening to me :)

Peace and Hope...jefferylee

 

[2quilt]

Don't do it when the person is trying to go to sleep, getting ready to go out, or is on the phone ordering a pizza.
I have all my conversations with my husband when he can focus only on what I am saying and he can't walk away: when he's on the toilet.
His pants are down, he is sequestered, and he's all mine.

 

[becvan]

Have you tried asking your partner to pick a good time to have a serious conversation?

I would try just asking them to pick a time, within so many days, to have a serious conversation. That way your partner has a chance to prepare for it and you can both pick a convenient time.

I prefer the direct approach. That way I know what I'm facing, I don't feel like I'm being dumped on or that someone is dropping a bomb on me and I have a chance to prepare myself (which means I'm less likely to lose it and more likely to have some semblance of control.)

Ya never know, it just might work! ;)

bec

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please don't do the car thing! I had that done to me, and I almost jumped out of a moving car b/c I was so freaked out.

 

[Nicolette]

I find what Bec says is best. I say I need to talk about blah blah sometime today or next couple of days depending on urgency...please let me know when it suits you.

 

[Luthien]

I think Bec hit the nail on the head, you definitely do not want to trap a sufferer and force them to have a conversation, that will just end badly. Trust me, I've been forced into a talk many a time and ended up seriously losing it.

Letting your sufferer know that you need to talk to them, and asking them to pick the time is a very reasonable way to go about it.

I know that I, as a sufferer, tend to push loved ones away, and that I have a hard time reaching out...this is likely what your sufferer is experiencing.

 

[Blues in NYC]

Don't do it when the person is trying to go to sleep, getting ready to go out, or is on the phone ordering a pizza.
I have all my conversations with my husband when he can focus only on what I am saying and he can't walk away: when he's on the toilet.
His pants are down, he is sequestered, and he's all mine.

Though I agree more with Becvan's approach, this made me chuckle on a day that I really need it. Thanks for the humor! :rofl:

 

[Frankie]

Hi shoka,

Yea, as Bec says, I agree with the direct approach too, but also make sure you ask when he is in a "good" mood.

Usually, I used to ask only when I knew he would be receptive to me...and he would say "now is a good time" and we would talk....the results were not always what I wanted but at least he listened ! lol

Another thing is how you have the conversation with him, never accuse, or nag...but simply say what you feel......the tone and language you use make all the difference !

But of course like She Cat says "sometimes you just can't avoid causing waves....."

Also for my exbf and me, we used to talk a lot while we were in bed........we used to talk about our day and sometimes that was a good time also !

2 quilt very funny suggestion !! lol....

Jefferylee....my exbf had car rage often.....I would never dare start any kind of "heavy, confrontational" conversation with him driving car....lol

Frankie

 

[Manic11]

It is definitely important that he does not feel trapped or cornered for this conversation. That can only make things worse. If you two are talking about it and he needs to take a break then that's okay. Take a 5 minute breather and then sit down again and continue.

What has been said above is very good advice.

Good luck, Shoka!

Manic