Can All Men Be Provoked To Violence?

[Deleted member 35429]

Something about this forum is really uniquely great. You all are able to respectfully just tell it like you see it. No pussyfooting BS and no bullying either. I appreciate all the replies.

Tonight my husband and I just hugged after work and largely ignored each other. We agreed to see a couples counselor and deal with it then. Everything he says on this topic sounds threatening...but I am on Myptsd because I have PTSD and can easily lose touch with what is a true threat and what is not so I appreciate your outside perspective.

I've read on a few articles about PTSD that this disorder can cause subconscious behaviors that evoke the same response from people that caused the trauma to begin with. I know that's a bit controversial and victim blaming, but for me, I wonder if I AM subconsciously doing this...I've been pushing him in ways that I never did before and I've also been more touchy about everything. And the PTSD element of it makes threats seem so real that it's easy to feel wrongly victimized.

Anyways, I'm going to heed the advice of the majority and calm the f*ck down. Go to a couples counselor and have this discussion in front of a professional that can tell me if I'm off base in my interpretation.

Thank you all again!
Gnight!

 

[J'qel]

Happy you're seeing a therapist. Let us know how it turns out. Yeah we can push buttons when we're triggered or in the moment. I find the biggest problem dealing with PTSD isn't how I feel, but what I do to the people around me as a result. I can be pretty damn mean and confrontational when not on my meds.

I hate meds, btw. I hate them with a passion. BUT-on them I don't freak out, I don't get as angry and I don't start assuming things without being aware. I'm less likely to act out, to be confrontational and to do things that on my meds I know better.

I wish I could get off them, but every time I've reduced it's gotten worse. The best way I can explain it to my family doc is that it's like being a smoker going without a cigarette for a couple weeks. I am all up in everyone's face, and everyone is the enemy. Mostly because I notice things they do that are, in all honesty, because they don't think. I, without my meds, assume they do think like me, and do these things on purpose and cackle at my misfortune or anger.

It's not reasonable and I know it (I'm on my med as I speak). People just aren't like that-it's unreasonable to expect them to know that setting their shoes in my path will trip me, that making certain sounds will bother me (even if I have told them -they've probably forgotten), that doing x or y wiull piss me off and no, no they didn't do something *just* to piss me off.

In a way I'm confused, because I feel like I'm looking at them as not very smart or aware, but i another, they're people and we all think and process differently-so what they think about as important may be very different than what I think of. It's...weird. Hard to grasp.

I think maybe being in your own head and attributing to others may well be part of PTSD. Attributing things your abuser did, or your source of trauma to people in your life. They're not those people. They're not those things and sometimes it's hard to remember that.

I hope with therapy and maybe talking to a psychiatrist you may be able to find a smoother path between the two of you.

I'm still not cool with the violence threat (that is *never* okay), but you may both have your own issues to work on.

What do I know? I'm just words on a screen :P

 

[asadafagahajakal]

I

should follow up with an explanation for the title of this post. My husband says that you shouldn't pr...

I'm a pacifist, but believe me, if I'm threatened I'll throw someone across the room. But men have been raised to collectively believe all of us are if not violent, can be pushed to violence if the mood strikes. But everyone has a fight, flight or freeze reaction in response to danger or provocation. For me personally, it's fight or freeze. And women are no different. Which is why woman on man domestic violence is almost as frequent as man on woman domestic violence.

Maybe he was raised to believe that about himself. And I think it's fair to say "hey just don't provoke me", but I agree, he said it in a threatening kind of way. Did you bring it up with him? Do you feel safe to talk to him about it? What did your personal instincts tell you? Even if you're "wrong" about feeling threatened by that, your number one priority Is to have a partner you trust and feel safe with.

 

[J'qel]

He didn't warn though, he just raised his fist. If he had said something-different matter. He became silent and turned away. He was confronted and threatened violence. That's *not* okay.

If he had said "I don't want to atlk about this, give me space." Okay, sure. He gave his response.

He didn't say "give me space" though. He didn't say anything. He just turned away.

If he had said something, this would be a very different conversation.

 

[Suzetig]

He stared at his phone and wouldn't respond no matter what I said so I grabbed the phone and said, "give me the courtesy of a response if you are going to start a fight like that."

If a man did that to a woman I'd consider it abusive, no different if the genders are switched. You said he made a fist, and warned you to back off which, given you wouldn't let him withdraw from the argument feels like a fight or flight response to me.

I'm not in the club that thinks a woman can behave any way she likes and then blame the bloke when he snaps. He's told you to back off and your behaviour towards him was violent in its own way - what response do you expect from him? I agree with @Friday that he's trying to set basic boundaries with you and you seem to keep pushing. Violent retaliation is a response to domestic abuse and while he's responsible for managing and controlling his behaviour, in my eyes it's no different to the woman who lashes out physically after being abused by her husband.

I'm not saying he's whiter than snow here but don't want to give you a way to justify your abuse of him by balance in his wrongs.

 

[anonymous]

He's never asked or inquired about my traumatic history

Maybe he doesn't want to in case it upset you, whereas for you, it may feel invalidated?

I don't think you should have grabbed the phone though because in general it's quite angering (I am a woman, if someone done it to me I'd be angry)

It sounds like he's tired of you "bitching" and honestly, I can't blame him

 

[anonymous]

Sorry, what I mean is - can you find another way of venting healthily - instead of bitching because some people find that very tiresome?

 

[The Albatross]

Glad you're going to counseling - restraint, self restraint of tongue and pen and working together as a couple to rejoin good effective communication skills is common in relationships at some point or another.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Sorry, what I mean is - can you find another way of venting healthily - instead of bitching because s...

He's pretty sensitive to bitching. I truly felt like I was just telling him I think we need new skylights. I was honestly offended that he said Im bitching all the time because I really don't bitch. We argue lightly maybe once every 3 months. I'm not that kind of wife to nag or bitch and I was hurt that he would suggest I am. It's a bit over the top of an accusation. Having him say something so inflammatory and then refuse to even look at me set me off. I have a big response when my feelings are ignored. My major trauma involved pretty horrendous neglect. So I need to work on my response to him when he shuts ignores me after hurting me. I understand grabbing his phone out of his hands is over the top and abusive on my part. And I understand that his response wasn't entirely out of line.

 

[anonymous]

Can I suggest Eric Berne's "games people play" - not meaning you are playing a game, rather it might help you figure out your husband because.. Hmm.. Not getting a good vibe if he says your bitching when you really weren't bitching.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Can I suggest Eric Berne's "games people play" - not meaning you are playing a game, rather it might...

Thank you, I will look that up. Appreciate it.

 

[Suzetig]

Although I also think sometimes it's easy to loose sight of how someone else might experience our behaviour - not wanting to bitch and moan and actually not bitching and moaning are two different things. It may be worth finding a good couples counsellor to explore how you both communicate with each other - someone outside the relationship is well placed to observe the dynamic between you and offer feedback.