Does Alcohol Always Mean Lack Of Consent?

[Botur]

Uh-GTFO alarm sounded.

Hon, I know you're in a situation. The more you talk the more I feel my hackles raise.

He doe...

Get help in empowering yourself. Many are trapped in an unwanted situation because the choice is often equally traumatic. Too many teen girls and women homeless because of abuse

 

[Ciled]

If your kids usually do ok in school and now they're failing, they need help with all this.

Yes, exactly why I've been pressing to talk to them about it all.

If you had a sixteen year old daughter, and he was doing this to her, would you stay?

Guys, I think this isn't as urgent as it may seem. A 16 year old is different. Regardless, when I said I can't leave yet, I can't leave. Not an excuse. The most I can do is switch rooms and remain firm in my boundaries, which as you know is easier said than done. And protect myself in the ways I can.

Maybe the lack of urgency and seriousness is what I need to tell myself in order to get through the next several months, I don't know. But I did confront him about it all last night and he did finally agree to allow me space and privacy. He refuses to move out of the bedroom, so I will.

 

[Ewep]

If that is what you can do, that is what you can do.

I can't urge more without being a hypocrite-because I've been in situations where my only other option was potentially life threatening.

If you need to numb, you need to numb, but don't let yourself be more vulnerable than necessary. Usually I'm advocating tamping down hypervigilance but your issue is sounding exactly why some of us *are* hypervigilant.

 

[Eraju]

The most I can do is switch rooms and remain firm in my boundaries, whi

You've written this like changing rooms is meh, no biggie.

But it is a big deal. If you think maybe you could change rooms and start enforcing some safer boundaries, maybe that's exactly what you should do. For you. You deserve a safe sleeping space. So make it happen. Stop enabling this guy, and start treating yourself like you matter.

Will that be confusing for the kids? Sure. But methinks perhaps less confusing than the current situation. Kids always know more than we give em credit for - you're teaching them about how to look after themselves.

So; me and dad aren't together anymore, and until we sort out housing, I'm sleeping in a separate room. And look kids, I'm going to show you that it's not just okay to change your boundaries when a relationship fails, I'm going to show you that it can be done safely, and that my relationship with you isn't going to change at all...

To me, that sounds like a big big deal, and a good first step for everyone...?

 

[Subi]

Thank you. I sincerely appreciate the support and helping me gain some clarity here. It's all so confusing and to have to face reality is no joke. To be a fool all of these years. Ouch.

My hypervigilance has def kicked into overdrive, along with everything else. I won't be drinking and I'll try my hardest to prevent anything else from happening. I can't deal with any more.

And I meant to say before about the fear of taking the next big step - totally true. But I know it needs to happen.

Will that be confusing for the kids? Sure. But methinks perhaps less confusing than the current situation. Kids always know more than we give em credit for - you're teaching them about how to look after themselves.

Completely agree.

So; me and dad aren't together anymore, and until we sort out housing, I'm sleeping in a separate room. And look kids, I'm going to show you that it's not just okay to change your boundaries when a relationship fails, I'm going to show you that it can be done safely, and that my relationship with you isn't going to change at all...

To me, that sounds like a big big deal, and a good first step for everyone...?

Yeah, you're right. It IS a big deal. And I never treat myself like I matter. I've never believed I do. Everyone else matters more.

I've been trying to sort out how to tell the kids before I actually make the move... make it as easy on them as possible, but honest. And to be sure it's exactly what needs to be done. Husband keeps insisting I do not have to move out of the bedroom, but I really see no other way. As much as I don't want this to be how things are, I'm trying not to allow that to cloud my judgement.

Just typing all of this out and seeing the comments is kinda sending me into a panic. I hate this.

 

[Fusos]

Uh hon, yes, you do. He wouldn't even talk to you about what he did. He didn't think he did anything wrong.

He thought what he did to you was okay.

That *is* a huge deal.

He thought having sex with you while your were passed out was okay. After you placed you trust in him to stay sober. He said "you seemed like you wanted it" when he was sober enough to know you weren't able to consent.

I don't want you to be panicking but hon, this is a very bad awful place you're in. The man thinks he's entitled to ahve sex with you when you don't consent. That's bad. The fact that you have never had this happen before, you never get this drunk and never react this way to alcohol aside, he knew and did it and then dismissed you the very next morning when you were upset about it.

Move into another room if that's what you can manage right now, but I would also suggest looking into shelters or finding a way to get him out of your house.

 

[Tovunu]

Uh hon, yes, you do. He wouldn't even talk to you about what he did. He didn't think he did anything wrong.

He thought...

Thank you for your ongoing support. I wish I could move away or at least kick him out even without this recent incident, but unfortunately those are not options for the time being.

We talked about it again and all he could say was "I'm sorry I hurt you" and "I'll be waiting and here when you get through what you're going through." Then he put his wedding ring back on???

I get why he'd continue to 'wait for me' as I've often gone through push/pull cycles with him, but I don't think he can blame that on PTSD anymore. I push him away because he's an idiot and does awful sh*t... but then he turns around and makes me feel like I'm crazy and need him to make it.

My t and mom feel he took advantage of me that night out of anger and his claims to be ignorant or oblivious are out of manipulation. I think I can see that, but it's confusing as hell living with him.

And if he truly doesn't think he did anything wrong and truly doesn't understand...... I just can't :banghead:

I need to be friendly with him for the kids, but he reads everything as hope or that I'm not really going anywhere.

I tried to move on and not make this a big deal, but despite feeling better mentally, I lost 5 lbs (already underweight), got pretty sick, can't eat, can't sleep.....guess my body is telling me otherwise. I feel like I'm being overly dramatic here.

T session in the morning, though I'm not even sure what else to say to her about it.

Sorry I've turned this thread into a journal. It's just been hard to navigate and understand what happened. Maybe I need to quit trying to figure it out and make a concrete plan for how to handle the next several months instead. Thanks again.

 

[Movuk]

You're in an abuse cycle hon. I hate to say it 'cos it sucks, but that's what it is. In fact it's pretty much one of the most blatant examples you could give of an abuse cycle besides the traditional:

Spouse a hits spouse b. Spouse be is upset and angry. Spouse a says: I'm sorry honey it'll never happen again. Spouse b believes spouse a-return to the beginning.

The worst part is *he didn't even apologize* instead he says "I'll wait until you finish what you're going through." F*ck no. You aren't "going through" anything but processing the fact he assaulted you while you were unconscious. This isn't something *you* did or *you* need to fix. It's something he damned well needs to fix, like the fact he thinks it's okay to assault you and then tell you you're the one "going through something", as if you're crazy or having a mood swing.

It's classic manipulative minimalizing to feel like *you're* the one who did something wrong. And he's bribing you with a wedding ring thinking you'll come running back to the guy who assaulted you because of a piece of shiny metal.

He's a freaking sociopath.

 

[Uzol]

t I don't think he can blame that on PTSD anymore. I push him away because he's an idiot and does awful sh*t...

Something to remember!

 

[Uher]

It sounds like there's complicated reasons why you can't move away or kick him out, but to be honest it doesn't sound like you're completely sure that's what you want.
Your situation is confusing - for both of you.
I don't see it as Movuk does, but we are all different.
Abuse has not been that clear cut within relationships for me - or only when I really know it's over.
You know your situation, you know your husband or ex husband. Only you really know what's going on here - even more than your therapist or your mother.
For me, when it's over it has to be over. Black and white. The greys bring all kinds of Devils with it.
Be really clear what you want. If it's over, you don't need him to agree that was abusive, you just need to live as separately as you can.
All you need to figure out is what YOU think and feel.
And where you really want to go with this, and act accordingly.
If it's over, you don't need to act in front of your kids. That will just confuse them. Just be real

 

[Unadi]

Damn. Reality hurts. All valid points.

I ran from one abusive life right into another and didn't recognize it until 13 years later, it seems. I suppose my first clue should have been when he admitted after our wedding that he took advantage of the opportunity to sleep with me shortly after a major rape because he knew I was vulnerable and on medications so I wouldn't say no. That literally came out of his mouth. I've since tried to make every excuse for him.

I think there's no other way to explain his behavior and decisions, unless he's genuinely cognitively impaired. I told him I felt manipulation explained his actions and he didn't deny it. Sat there picking his fingernails. I'm at a loss.

You're right. I need to decide how I feel, but I do think if I'm 'real' in front of the kids, I will turn into the bad guy...the (verbally) abusive one.

Currently, if y'all don't mind me thinking aloud:

I want our relationship to be over. I've known it was over for a few years now. I just kept trying because it was the right thing to do: "Love is commitment. Love is a choice. Love is choosing to stand by someone when they are at their worst."

I want us to go our separate ways peacefully.

I want us to live separately NOW; when I'm done, I'm done, so the fact that I'm literally trapped.... is killing me. Thus, the one night of binge drinking to escape.

I want to be alone.

I am done trying.

If he's being abusive, if I'm in a cycle of abuse, I want to know. I'm tired of being blind.

If he's not, I'd like to know, but I'm done trying to understand him and support him when I do not get the same effort in return.

I can agree what happened was assault, but I can't call him a rapist or ruin his life.

I feel there's no way to conquer this massive mountain of issues if he is not on board that there even are issues (given he's not being manipulative).

I don't want this to be my life. I don't want any of it. Past, present, or future.

I also fear he is right and I can't make it without him.

Why leave when we're financially secure? There are much worse situations I could be in.

I don't want to hurt him.

I can't do it.

I don't want my kids to have a broken family as I did.

There's nowhere for me to go.

I want to die.

Okay, maybe that last part was dramatic, but that's kind of my thought process when it gets overwhelming. I guess I just want to know what to do or reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. But I know y'all can't tell me that.

 

[Odov]

Ugh! I really feel for you! It really is not easy separating, especially with children involved.
Your therapist sounds very sympatico, which is a good thing, but it might not be helping in a way. It's one thing to talk about your husband and be supported etc - and that does help - but it's another thing entirely working out the best way forward, whether that's leaving or working things out.
Its normal to feel as you do - wanting to leave, not wanting to leave, the pros, the cons - but that state of limbo can create bad circumstances.
When I say it's normal, I guess I mean I relate! But I also went from one abusive situation to another and I had no confidence or belief in myself.
It's not right what he did, that's for sure, and the earlier stuff is not right either.
Take that list you wrote to the therapist and maybe she can help you work your way through it to come out feeling clear about it all, snd prepared for taking steps forward in whatever direction feels right.
There are ways to build up confidence and self belief so this won't overwhelm you as much as it does now. That was a new world for me! I learned to take the reins.
Hope things get clearer and easier for you very soon!