Does Alcohol Always Mean Lack Of Consent?

[Oheru]

This -

he errs on the side of not-sober-enough. Although yes, this has resulted in we (or me, depending) go to bed sexually frustrated, this has been the better deal for the two of us in order for me to avoid triggers that can be avoided safely, and we have clear boundaries.

- is stellar. You give me hope that this is not only reasonable, but possible.

Your ex Has proved he is not someone you can trust any more.

As if all of the lying and cheating wasn't enough, I *think* I'm finally getting this. ^

He abused you and your body. That's traumatic, it requires healing.

I'd have to say, this was very difficult for me to read, perhaps more so than all of the labels floating around. As much as something inside of me keeps yelling: "This is no big deal! Abuse? Nooooo, this wasn't as bad as what's happened before! I don't want anything else I need to heal!" ....I know it's true. Maybe there is no "right" way to heal, but I want to make sure I do it right this time. What's one more thing to add to the list?

So on that note, I talked to my therapist despite any risk of report. I used the recommendations you all provided with how to approach it and she was very respectful of that (and very glad I reached out to this site). While her demeanor and expressions gave away her position on what happened, she didn't pressure me one way or another. She primarily asked questions about how I was feeling & why, what happened, connections to my history, and reassured me it's okay to be confused and not know what to do, especially when dealing with my husband while he refuses to accept the marriage is over and until we can officially go our separate ways. Kinda trapped in the same bed with him for a while longer.

She allowed me to accept responsibility for choosing a poor coping strategy ;) (anyone have better ideas for safely losing your mind for a while?)

And maybe in time, review your coping strategies! Yes, we should be able to get blind drunk and not be raped. But that doesn't make getting blind drunk a safe thing to do, let alone a helpful coping strategy.

but wouldn't allow me to accept responsibility for what happened. We did spend a fair amount of time sitting in silence and her calling me out on a few silly cognitive distortions. :rolleyes:

I did try to speak with my husband about it again today, but once again I was met with "I didn't know you were that drunk or passed out" "you looked like you wanted it" "well, you act silly and are more fun when you're drunk and I like it" and silence...then he had to get back to work. No recognition of how I felt, nothing. I feel like such an idiot. And I still don't want to hurt him by accusing him of something so serious.

Anyway, between you guys and T (and oddly enough my mother), I feel validated and supported, regardless of label. I'm not really sure where to go from here or how to allow the "feels" to happen, but here I am.

 

[Nekira]

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Don't rush yourself, but keep safe. I'm happy to hear your therapist was willing to help.

His response is awful but maybe, in time you can figure out what you feel is right on how to deal with this and all that surrounds it. Until then, take it a bit at a time.

 

[Adasi]

This does sound like a potentially volatile situation, especially if you consider the relationship over, he does not, and you still share a bed.
Are you yourself clear that the relationship is over?
I'm not being accusatory. I was in a similar situation where I was betrayed and generally mistreated, kept telling him the relationship had to be over, but I stayed.
He lied and cheated too. If he hadn't I would have been happy with him, and I hated him for that. I didn't want to stay, but I didn't want to leave either.
You can be still legally married and not share a bed or live together.
The kind of situation you're living in makes everything unclear, including boundaries.
I urge you to get really clear on what you want to happen here. If you really want to be done, be done. At least move out of the bed
Some of the worst things that happened in that relationship happened in that blurry time and later I regretted giving him the opportunity to hurt me even more than he already had.
He's lied to you and cheated on you. He's already proved he's not trustworthy. Believe it!
And show him that you believe it!
If he wants to fix this up, he won't even be moved to try if you are still there. And if you don't give this any chance, it's easier for all to be very very clear about that

 

[Mawem]

-As someone who is watching Adasi's comment-

I think they're trying to say that you need to be clear for you, not him. Not that anything is your fault, but that the lack of clarity may be causing *you* boundary issues and confusion.

Well, that and he'll continue to take advantage as long as he thinks he has the opportunity to with no recourse enacted against him.

(honestly, I'd be out of there like a shot-now that I know about abuse in relationships and have vowed to never get in one again)

 

[Ota]

Oh sorry - Adasi here - I didn't mean it to come off like it was for his sake.
I don't think I express myself well. Your situation resonated with me and I got anxious. Those are the things I wish someone had said to me - perhaps not thecwsy I expressed it, when I read it back. Sorry! but those are the things I wish I'd done

 

[Ocic]

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Don't rush yourself, but keep safe. I'm happy to hear your therapist was willing to help.

Thank you. This is especially difficult for me as I'm a person of action and get things done right away, but I'm currently trapped in my living situation which makes taking one day at a time depressing and infuriating and risky. I'm trying, but it definitely fuels the S/I flames sometimes.

And leaves boundaries questionable:

The kind of situation you're living in makes everything unclear, including boundaries.

I think they're trying to say that you need to be clear for you, not him. Not that anything is your fault, but that the lack of clarity may be causing *you* boundary issues and confusion.

I don't think I express myself well.

I completely agree and you did express yourself perfectly Adasi. I understood.

The issue is, I have attempted to establish boundaries (along with paperwork) all over the place to establish that "hey, this is for real," but he tramples all over them and it's even led to him getting physical (pushing/shoving). He refuses to leave the bedroom, refuses to allow me privacy, attempts to guilt me whenever I don't cave to him or allow him to touch me even in passing, calls me ridiculous and crazy when I call him out. We do have kids (boys) and he will not allow me to speak with them about what is happening. It definitely feels like he's escalating, but I don't want to read too much into everything either.

Y'all are right - he's going to continue to take advantage and push the lines when he knows there is no recourse. There really is none. There is nowhere I can go. Without an emergency, and without giving away too many specifics of who I am, I cannot leave the home or location without the legalities official...which other than a separation, I cannot do from here.

This is maddening. :banghead: And yeah, terribly confusing.

But at least now I think I'm starting to see a little more clearly into his bull:poop:. I think.:cautious:

But I can move to the couch and make sure I'm up before the kids in the morning. Or my youngest son has an empty bottom bunk - would it be inappropriate for me to sleep there?

I don't know what else to do.

 

[Pagok]

I was in a situation where I couldn't move out for several months while the divorce was in progress. I slept on the couch. I don't know about the bunk bed idea. It might drag the kid into things in a way that's not helpful for him. But I can't imagine sleeping in the same bed, under the circumstances.

 

[Orat]

Ugh. I can see your situation is complicated! I guess your children are going to have to know if you're separating. I understand why you hesitate in making it known to them too, especially if your husband is not on board. You don't want to pull them into the conflict.
Maybe that's a better issue for the therapist to give assistance with - the what when how who and where of separating, and how you do that in the best way possible in your circumstances.
If you still hope for healing in the relationship, I'd go the couch option - while letting him know you are trying to be clear on everything before letting the children know. If he's going to get it at all, he will then as I'm sure he loves your children as you do.
I'm not trying to cast doubt on your reasons or your desire to leave - totally get it! But, like I said, I was in a similar position and the horrible truth was his betrayal didn't stop me loving him, it just caused immense pain and the breaking of trust.
I don't know if it would have changed s thing in the end, but I always do wish I'd been clearer and harder instead of immersing myself in a fog of hurt and denial.
he probably has no idea of the cost of his betrayal! I hate to be sexist, but some men are very clueless about the price of cheating.
i wish you as smooth a journey as possible in this.

 

[Huhi]

I was in a situation where I couldn't move out for several months while the divorce was in progress. I slept on the couch. I don't know about the bunk bed idea. It might drag the kid into things in a way that's not helpful for him. But I can't imagine sleeping in the same bed, under the circumstances.

Hm, well the kids are already know something is up and are currently failing school. I think it is all connected. They are confused and sense the everything. I'm thinking it's time to send a clear message to them, regardless of what husband thinks.

My hesitation with the couch is that he would still come and kiss me and stuff in my sleep and likely push limits and stay in the living area as long as possible. That's what he's done in the past... so I just moved back to sleeping in our room.

I think maybe I could move my kids back in together and I move into one of their rooms and spare bathroom...? create a sense of safety and as much of a physical separation as we can get right now.

I hate to be sexist, but some men are very clueless about the price of cheating.

He will still deny anything is wrong and anything is happening, pretending to be clueless....while doing whatever he wants on the side :rolleyes: He insists his cheating was "performing a public service" :O_o::roflmao:

If he's going to get it at all, he will then as I'm sure he loves your children as you do.

This is questionable ^

I think what happened recently has made things clearer and pushed me over the edge of thinking this could ever work out. Maybe what happened was malicious, I don't know....but I don't want to find out again. No more drinking. More therapy.

 

[Ajabe]

Uh-GTFO alarm sounded.

Hon, I know you're in a situation. The more you talk the more I feel my hackles raise.

He doesn't care about what happened to you. He doesn't care about what you feel. He doesn't care about how it affects the kids.

Get OUT.

Hell you think if you even slept somewhere else he'd still molest you. Yes, "molest" is the proper word.

Get out now. He doesn't care as long as he gets his jollies. There's no if, maybe or any other, you know where it is, you're just worried about taking that last step.

Let me help you and make it clear:

If you had a sixteen year old daughter, and he was doing this to her, would you stay? If the answer is no-get the heck outta there. Never look back.

 

[Utiwal]

If your kids usually do ok in school and now they're failing, they need help with all this. For a start, they need to know it's not their fault and that they will be taken care of and safe, and heard, no matter what.

 

[Hena]

You're an idiot. No clue what so ever. Trolling. Banned.

Of course there is rape in marriage as physical abuse etc. Please do not let such comments impact as there will always be dinosaurs