Tai Chi and Qi Gong are an important day to day tool for managing my symptoms and getting into better contact with my body. OH and I attend a class weekly. It is always a challenge, starting with the instruction "Aware the body". I always have to fight with myself to stay mentally present, and often to stay physically in the room. Until yesterday I've only left once, within 5 minutes of arriving on a day that was so bad generally that I know I shouldn't have left the house.
Yesterday a woman from another class joined us, and wanted to talk about Tai Chi's origins in fighting. The instructor will often make passing reference to a move as being used this way, and I find that hard, but manageable. The more this woman commented on "Oh yes, I see, this is a double handed block..." the less able I was to function, and I kept finding myself standing frozen with my arms crossed protectively across my chest and throat instead of working on the moves.
Eventually I knew it was leave or cry, so left, quite quietly, ten minutes before the end.
On the way home I thought that I would have a quiet word with that woman next week, explain that I had a bad experience of not being able to defend myself and ask her if she could mention it less. OH actually offered to do it for me, but I said it was my job. I was quite distressed for the rest of the evening, but put in a lot of thinking. I'm not sure now if I have any right to speak to her - isn't her right to use the class the way she wants as great as mine? Possibly greater, as I am the one wanting an exception? Is this something I should just find a way to manage? I don't want to stay away from the class, which is my natural urge. I will not give in to my fears to that extent.
It may be that she will not be back in our class, but there is a strong chance the two sessions will be amalgamated as numbers have dropped over winter, so I think I need a resolution. I realise that while the attack stuff disturbs me it is the (failed) self defence that is really triggering. I never defended myself, I always froze.
Yesterday a woman from another class joined us, and wanted to talk about Tai Chi's origins in fighting. The instructor will often make passing reference to a move as being used this way, and I find that hard, but manageable. The more this woman commented on "Oh yes, I see, this is a double handed block..." the less able I was to function, and I kept finding myself standing frozen with my arms crossed protectively across my chest and throat instead of working on the moves.
Eventually I knew it was leave or cry, so left, quite quietly, ten minutes before the end.
On the way home I thought that I would have a quiet word with that woman next week, explain that I had a bad experience of not being able to defend myself and ask her if she could mention it less. OH actually offered to do it for me, but I said it was my job. I was quite distressed for the rest of the evening, but put in a lot of thinking. I'm not sure now if I have any right to speak to her - isn't her right to use the class the way she wants as great as mine? Possibly greater, as I am the one wanting an exception? Is this something I should just find a way to manage? I don't want to stay away from the class, which is my natural urge. I will not give in to my fears to that extent.
It may be that she will not be back in our class, but there is a strong chance the two sessions will be amalgamated as numbers have dropped over winter, so I think I need a resolution. I realise that while the attack stuff disturbs me it is the (failed) self defence that is really triggering. I never defended myself, I always froze.
