Lying About S/i

[Ragifu]

Do any of you lie about your suicidal ideation to your T?

I am doing it all the time right now, because I feel like I cannot admit to where I am really at. We have been working so hard and making progress, but it is too much right now. I am getting suicidal and my urges to self-harm are increasing.

I am scared to admit it, because I have made so much progress - and we will have to stop to take a break for safety. And that sucks and is disappointing. I'm worried he will see this as a failure on my part.

 

[Uluj]

I'm worried he will see this as a failure on my part.

Another possibility is that he will see it as progress that you have the self awareness and self concern to choose to put your safety first. Just a thought.

 

[Levodeb]

Yeah I have recently been lying. My T seemed so happy for me when the SI went, it being 'a real turning point'. Then it's recently come back and I don't want them to think I've taken a step backwards or not working hard enough. it's a horrible place to be.

 

[Ira]

Guilty here of lying by omission.

Your t needs to know in order to know how to proceed safely. He will likely be proud of you for speaking up. There is nothing wrong with taking a break and taking a step back; it will not nullify the progress you have made.

 

[Okoji]

My T never asks me...

 

[Pehow]

T's with experience dealing with trauma are not going to be under the illusion that once the suicidal ideation is gone, it's gone for good. Things are constantly moving backwards, forwards, sideways and every direction, and suicial ideation is no different. It is likely to come and go for a while.

Thing is, even though the SI has returned, you have made progress. You've recognised not only that these thoughts are familiar ("Oh, I know what this is, this is SI, and I've had this before..."), you've also recognised that you and your T will need to take some time to reestablish your safety. It's incredibly to hard acknowledge that we need to take care of ourselves, particularly when our head has started up the SI theme again.

Being up front with your T about "this is what my head is doing right now" shows incredible insight, personal care, and (very definitely) progress. It will be okay. Even though your head is telling you your T will be "disappointed", if you have a good relationship with your T and you trust your T, talking about it is definitely progress, and may even give you a bit of relief from the thoughts themselves by knowing that you T is still right there with you.

 

[Iji]

I don't want to f*cking tell my t anything

 

[Zutal]

I deal with that all the time, but I don't say anything because when u think about it, I have access to knives, guns, and by proxy of one or two people I can find a hard drug dealer. If I truly wanted to die I'd be dead by now. So to avoid getting stuck in a psuch ward or losing my firearms license (which I use for sport shooting and really don't wanna lose), I say nothing. Nonetheless these suicidal thoughts can be very troublesome, as I really don't want to die. The thoughts are just there.

But honestly, if you think you're a danger to yourself, get the help you need and say something. I know if I was at the point I might kill myself, I'd say something to a professional and have a trusted friend hold my weapons.

 

[Umuta]

I've been dealing with ideation and intent for a very, very, very long time now. I don't bring it up with new people, because I trust myself enough not to act on it, and need to wait until they trust me enough for that, too ... Unless I need help not to act on it. In which case there's no such thing as an overreaction.

Once I do trust them enough not to overreact? I'm pretty dang honest about it. Because it's useful for both of us to know where my head is at, and what is bringing it there.

People are fragile. There are a hundred ways I could off myself just walking across an average room. Add in a trip to & from a therapists office? LOL. Well I had a bloke challenge me on that one, so I just listed off every possibility from the moment I walked out my front door, to arriving at theirs, in reverse order starting with the objects in his office. He quit taking notes fairly early on. It's just like, look; If I wanted to be dead? I'd be dead. I'm here because I want to live. That's what I need help with. I've got the not dying thing in hand. I'd very much like some help with the how to live thing.