Does Alcohol Always Mean Lack Of Consent?

[Likid]

Also I wanted to say - a broken family is not worse than a family that sticks together through denial, obligation, gaslighting, fear, social facade and good acting abilities.
I came from the latter. Believe me, it wasn't better for me and my siblings.
Even back then, in the midst of it. I used to pray that my mother would get strong enough to leave.
She didn't. It still makes my heart feel sore and I'm nearly 60 now.
It was horrible to witness my mother give up on life/ herself.
Your children need you to care about yourself and about life itself. That's what makes for happy children

 

[Tinus]

Likid, well said. I used to wish my dad would divorce my mom, as long as I could live with him, not her.

 

[Zino]

Take that list you wrote to the therapist and maybe she can help you work your way through it to come out feeling clear about it all, snd prepared for taking steps forward in whatever direction feels right.

There are ways to build up confidence

Gosh, y'all are awesome and on point. Thanks for listening to me sort this all out too.

Soooo I spoke to T about it all. She's very much a "help me along, but let me form my own conclusions" type.

She helped decipher my kids' recent behavior and how to communicate with them what is going on. She wouldn't say whether or not moving into another room was a good or bad idea (though her face gave it away), but she did say that whether or not it confuses the kids or my husband is irrelevant - that I need to do what I feel is best for me. They're already confused and that if I speak to them without my husband's support, it will be fine because they already see that he's not participating (part of their behavior problems). Obviously, not bad mouth him, but it is better for me to communicate with them than no one at all. This state of limbo is hurting us all.

Her main hesitation with me moving rooms is fear of retaliation once I do so - will it be safe?
She also doubts my husband's intentions of staying legally married as long as possible for the "financial" benefits.

The kids are learning from me and my strength, and this could show them healthy boundaries and self-care. When I'm doing well, they do well.....and I haven't been doing well. Confidence has been shot for a while ....and care about life in general has been nil esp while facing my trauma healing, which this trauma healing has only made my marital issues more apparent.

But I remember when hell was going on in my teenage years and my sibling & I begged them to divorce. Y'all are right, it was horrible to witness their demise, and once they did split -the relief! But has also taken 10+ years for Mom to heal somewhat and she has never gotten on her feet. :(

T also helped me develop a confident plan for the next 6 months.....certain milestones and approaching dates that impact my ability to leave, and the decisions I can make based off of that.....and how to approach this trapped feeling in the meantime. Look at the steps I can make and not become overwhelmed with the larger world of what-ifs.

Oh, and we decided to proceed with the more restricted/private report for documentation. How I feel matters and I need to be able to talk to her about it.

This is going to be tough, but at least husband and I have custody of the dogs worked out! :O_o:

This really hit home:

Your children need you to care about yourself and about life itself

Not sure how I'll get there, but I have to try.

 

[Ufugok]

Many many congratulations hon.

Seeing you process through this has been hard but it's good to see you taking care of yourself and your children, despite what has happened. It sounds like you're on the right track with your therapist and I wouldn't give any credence to what he has told you about yourself.

When someone is in an abusive relationship, it is typical for the abuser to alienate and separate them from a support group, or really, from anyone but themselves, followed by dismantling their self esteem in order to make them completely and utterly dependent and vulnerable.

They do this because someone who respects and loves themselves and feels that won't let themselves be abused. Part of what an abuser does is turn someone into a victim but breaking them down until they accept abuse as something they deserve.

You don't deserve it, you can make it, and you're awesome.

 

[Pukih]

I like the sound of that last post! I'm glad she is going to help you build a confident plan. That will really cut down the anxiety!
It is hard to be going through this whilst also trying to heal from the past.
In my own case, I think I already had no confidence or self esteem, I think that's why I got into such a bad relationship.
Once I learned about boundaries, self respect, trusting my feelings etc - all news to me sadly - my life really began to change for the better, even if it was hard to change
I realised I could say no to things I didn't want, people I didn't want in my life. Yes to those I did!
It's liberating in so many ways, but so foreign when you're not used to doing that
May your inner guide lead you onwards ....

 

[Pomuho]

You don't deserve it, you can make it, and you're awesome.

May your inner guide lead you onwards ....

Thank you again to both of you. You've given me a little more hope as I cope through these massive swings between " I can do this!" and "F this ....There's no way I can do anything."