Keeping Going?...

[Sea_lady]

How do you succeed to keep going on with life?... I struggle... I have not told anybody about the thoughts I have in my head... Giving up everything, and dying...

All those I love are dead now, and I can't make children because of my health issues and the fact I am single. I don't have enough energy to look for someone, I focus on my studies but the last results are lame and I struggle to meet deadlines. My body is broken, quickly overwhelmed and I wonder why I should keep fighting for this life. I have no purposes, no reason to stay, nobody to love and who loves me. Here, this world is painful, scary and I am powerless no matter how hard I try....

I try... I try to smile, to laugh, to pretend I'm like most people and my problems are nothing. I try... And I fail when I'm not given enough time. PTSD takes too much room in my life. More and more, I want to end this journey on Earth... Move on to a place where I will be free from my painful broken disabled body, and free from this demanding world of intolerance where I don't fit..

 

[J'qel]

Just because you don't have someone *now* doesn't mean you won't ever have anyone. In fact I'm willing to bet there are those in your life who would dearly miss you should you pass.

It sounds more like you're overwhelmed right now, more than anything else.

Put your major decisions aside, take time for yourself, try and find some quiet space where you can get more rest and not have to be inundated with the demands of everyday life. If you have to hide in the bathroom-so be it. Taking "time out" is essential. Putting off decisions until you're not so swamped is just as important.

Think of it like coming up for air. You can't stay underwater for too long, every once in a while you have to come to the surface and just breathe, just *be*.

 

[erigby]

One way I keep going is by posting here.
So that is a good place to start.
Another option is to call a crisis line. My experience is some who are answer the phone are better than others...but at least for the time I am talking to a person and it distracts me from the negative downward thought spiral.

Also, is there one person at all you think you could contact? A work colleague, a sibling, cousin, neighbor, doctor, therapist, minister, message someone on Facebook? Anyone. If a phone call is too scary, try a text message or e-mail. The only challenge with those is waiting for a reply...which has in the past sent me into the nether regions of feeling rejected...but that's beside the point.
Eventually I have found someone.
They don't need all the details. Just to know you need someone to talk to.
Try not to be afraid of the thoughts you are having. Dark thoughts are so common to this illness and so many others. Sometimes saying them out loud to another person can be incredibly freeing.
Do you have a therapist or a psychiatrist?
Have you tried sharing your thoughts on this forum?
If none of the above options are available...and you are having suicidal thoughts...go to the hospital. You will be surrounded by people caring for you.

PTSD takes up so much space and time. I am new to this so I am hoping eventually I learn to live without its preoccupation again...albeit in a much more content state of being.
Some days, like today, it is overwhelming and thoughts and memories pervade my mind. Other days I seem to get by. I haven't figure out what causes the difference yet...except that they are just there.

I believe you and I believe in you.

 

[saraemerald]

So sorry you are feeling like this. :( Hugs. Doesn't sound like fun

 

[Esterio]

How do you succeed to keep going on with life?... I struggle... I have not told anybody about the thou...

Thanks for the post Sea_lady. Is your name Like Part of your life. my family has been tied to the sea for centuries sailors, seamen and fishermen.

I'm sorry you are in such pain. Having everyone in your family that you loved having past away is hard. I send to you safe hugs if you accept them. I too have lost those who I had loved and that loved me in my family. I miss them dearly. The rest of the family doesn't have anything much to do with me they are terribly judgemental and think they are pure or something. I think they are a bunch of hypocrites. That is another subject. I only have 2 friends that come around and talk to me. The rest have past away or drifted away over the years. I guess I have some issues and can be very hard to get along with. I think it is hard to be around me. I live alone I get very few phone calls. I'm sick of it too and want it to end. I would prefer that that does not mean I need to end. I restarted Therapy after a 17 year absence, join this forum and turned 62 all the same day January 17 2017. I am hoping to put an end to this though therapy and hope I can stay with it this time. I'm Physically disabled and have cPTSD and have a hard time getting out and at home I'm all alone. So now I'm here and I don't feel I am going though this alone. I am making friends and get support from some really great people here. So I guess my life went from having no one to lean on to having many now.The support I have received here in the last few weeks I have been here has helped me get back part of the person that is me. I all ways was a supportive person. You sound to me to be just the sort of person this place thrives on the sick and the broken. Keep posting and reading posts. I have learned lots and I am learning to type as well.

Again it is good to see you here. I'm sorry for what you had to go through to get here. Welcome feel free talk to me if you need too.
Peace be safe

Just because you don't have someone *now* doesn't mean you won't ever have anyone. In fact I'm willing to...

hi J'qel. I like the think about coming up for air, it is a good way to look at it.

 

[Sea_lady]

Just because you don't have someone *now* doesn't mean you won't ever have anyone. (...) Put your major decisions aside, take time for yourself (...) Think of it like coming up for air. You can't stay underwater for too long, every once in a while you have to come to the surface and just breathe, just *be*.

@j'quel In theory, it's true I could find someone in the future... But in reality, it has been 10 years I am with no family or caring partner. I had 2 cats and they died too... I do agree with your advice (taking time for myself) and I would probably have advised it to someone who posted the kind of stuff I wrote. The problem is I am not given the time anymore: the studies, the things of everyday (buying food or cooking, washing myself and my clothes, tidying my place, etc....). I put up some decisions (i.e. finishing writing my essay) and the result is I may be penalized for it (my mark could be capped). I'll also start volunteering to gain some work experience soon, I *must* have some practical experience for work, because having only degrees is not sufficient enough nowadays to get a job... To use your clever metaphora, it is like someone is pulling my head under water, preventing me from breathing.

Thank you for your post, and this excellent image related to the sea. Thanks for taking the time to try to help me.

@Esterio : Thank you for your message too. I am sorry to hear you are alone as well.. I can relate to that... I am glad to learn you are finding help here. I tried to provide some help, but it is difficult to give hope to others when my own strengths are failing me. No, I don't come from a family of seafairers, but I love the sea very much, and I live by the sea. I would love to learn to swim well, but I have no time or energy b/c of PTSD... Other obligations come first - like my studies - and I don't have any room in my life for hobbies anymore, except maybe a few hours of social networking, or watching a film or Youtube videos some evenings.

@saraemerald Thank you for your compassion. It means a lot that some people took the time to read and respond.

@erigby : Thank you for your answer. I take meds against depression and anxiety. My doctor knows about my ptsd, and she helps me the best she can. I have one person I can talk to - and did: she is my mentor at University in charge of helping me with PTSD management. She's trying to persuade my course leader to give me more time for the completion of some of my homeworks. I sent her an email this afternoon and described my feelings, but she does not know about my suicidal thoughts... No one who knows me does. Sometimes, these days, I want to cut myself again, but I am trying to resist. The worse is to pretend: laugh and smile when people are around. I am tired of this mascarade. I feel like I want to withdraw, or at least not hide my true feelings anymore.

Yes, you're right... PTSD takes so much time and space.........

 

[Esterio]

@j'quel In theory, it's true I could find someone in the future... But in reality, it has been 10 year...

And I have nothing but time for hobbies but no motivat

 

[erigby]

@j'quel In theory, it's true I could find someone in the future... But in reality, it has been 10 year...

Do you think you would be comfortable talking to your mentor at University about your suicidal thoughts? It sounds like she is working to be an advocate for you...so that is good and helpful. I hope she is successful in getting you some more time for your assignments.

The pretending is exhausting. There have been times when I'm not even sure I am getting it right...like... am I smiling too much...or not enough...was my laugh to over the top for that comment?
It is weird to pretend to have emotion with there is little actually there.
I hope you will be able to continue to resist cutting yourself.
I have only recently ever had the urge to cut or injure myself (without suicide as the ultimate goal) but those urges have surfaced very recently and I get it now.
The pain is so intense and there seems to be no relief from it...sometimes personal injury can offer just a bit of relief from the mental anguish.

If you don't have a therapist, and your mentor does not act as one (whether it be because she can't or she doesn't know how), that may be a good and helpful next option.
It can take some time to see results from therapy but the release I have felt of being able to confide in someone is immeasurable...and has saved my life on numerous occasions.
Sometimes our thoughts and secrets have power because they are just that...secret. I have found sharing some of the darkest ones with another trustworthy person has taken away so much of their (the thoughts) power over me.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Sea_lady]

@erigby I used to see a therapist specialized in PTSD for months, and the EMDR sessions did help at that time. However, I find it hard to speak now... At the end, I felt he couldn't understand me. I've had big hopes when he told me I could be cured, and I tried hard. I did everything I was told I should do, and even if it did help improve things at that time, I had to eventually accept that *actually*, being cured was not an option. It was worse than we thought. I have to live with PTSD until the end.

I agree with you: it feels weird when one pretends. The gap between the appearance on surface and the truth in depth is another thing to manage, on the top of the rest.

I don't think talking about my suicidal thoughts to my mentor at University will help. Not for now, at least. She knows I'm not in a good place right now... That would really make a difference if Uni was giving me more time...

 

[J'qel]

Sea_lady you need to let some of those things slide by. You have far too much on your plate from what you've pointed out. And getting another furbaby would certainly help. Some of us can even help with ideas on how to keep them at their healthiest. Having a pet is excellent therapy and stress relief.

Try cutting back on laundry loads, grocery trips and cleaning the house. If you have issues that require you to keep everything sparkling, you should be getting some tips on how to calm that down. The world will not end if you have lint on the carpet or you wear the same jeans two days in a row. You can do larger trips less often to save time on having to go out, and picking up large amounts of staples for cooking can help.

Do talk to your student advisor and check on campus with their mental health support centre. There are accommodations that can be made if you're having a rough time. It was something I wish I had known sooner. They're very helpful and can not only help getting extensions and avoiding grade penalties, but also with work experience that works for you in your situation (often they're tied in with student employment and internship/volunteering).

You need to cut back. You're trying to do too much. No wonder you're drowning, you're trying to carry a backpack of bricks with you.

Take care of yourself hon, or you won't get any of it done, or you'll only get all of it half done. Take time, breathe, prioritize and find out what you can cut back on to give you the time you desperately need. *None* of us can keep going at full speed for more than a short while without burning out. Take a little time now to save more time later. Think of it like an investment towards your grades and your future career-because it *will* help both your grades and what you're able to do.

 

[Sea_lady]

@j'quel : Thank you for your sensible recommendations. I believe you are right... Your metaphora of carrying a backpack full of bricks is clever and appropriate. I sometimes feel that even when I cut back some stuff, I am still overwhelmed. That is why I don't want to adopt another pet right now. Although I am aware "furrybabies" do help release stress, they also need to be taking care of, and that implies finding the time and energy to do so. I don't seem to find these resources right now... I am also afraid of the day they will die, which is always traumatic.

I need to sleep 12 hours / day and drinks lots of coffee to be alert, which does not leave a lot of time to do what must be done.

I hope the University will give me more time... Otherwise, the quality of my work risks to be poor, and my health will suffer. My last mark isn't good, and I know that I could have done so much better if I did not feel pressured by the deadline and other stuff that stress me out right now. I'm starting to think that I should not demand myself too much with regards to my studies results. I had Distinctions and First degrees so far (which cost me some of my health capital - i.e. burn out...). I am studying a master's degree right now, which is not a necessity to get a job, just a bonus. If I don't get a first or even a 2:1, it won't be the end of the world. That is what I am trying to repeat myself right now...

I feel sad about sacrifying the quality of what I could do because it impacts on my self-esteem (already pretty low), but I don't want to damage my health furthermore... It's already bad enough.

 

[J'qel]

Hon I understand. I was on track for a joint honours (like an upscale double major with severe GPA reqs) when I finally crashed and burned. If I'd known more about resources available to me and hadn't been in denial, I would be looking into my master's now.

But I ended up burning myself up in the process, trying to keep everything held together.

Don't do that. It's bad.

Take your time, talk to people about your issues and see about getting accomodations-when it comes to issues most universities are more than willing to help, especially if you've been a student who has been performing well historically. And if your Master's is a bonus, remember that. You're doing it for you, not to make yourself feel worse.

If you can't take on a full time pet, many shelters are happy to have people come in and spend time with their potential adoptees. I know some universities are even having animal days for students to come in during exams and the like. The unconditional love of a furry companion is a balm to a troubled soul. Even an hour a week could help you immensely.

Don't forget, bigger loads of laundry and groceries to cut down on time and if your place is a mess but still hygenic, that's all that matters. Take care of yourself, and do try and fit in some time every day to decompress.