Last year my T and I dove into some heavy IFS work. We have agreed that when I go into therapy, I am not my true self as I am not free to chatter nor much free dialog - I am shut down a lot of the time, and we are attributing it to a part. I have written to this part who said they are protecting the tremendously sensitive one inside, and they have been with me since I learned to talk, to provide me a place to hide This makes sense as I withdrew as a child. So, T is now trying to convince part to please step aside while we are working together as she would like to heal that wounded and sensitive one inside. This is all very bizarre to me in spite of the months that been doing this, but I'm trying to stay open to possibilities, because clearly I am not myself in session. I want so much for flow to happen. I know my T well and I trust her, I know she is talented and knows her stuff, but this part is putting up Fort Knox around this younger part who could benefit, as well as my self who wants to be able to just say whatever comes to my mind - and to change the fact that I've so often been shut down with a blank mind. If any of this resonates with fellow part-workers, I would appreciate hearing how you may have overcome powerful protectors. Thanks.
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Getting Protector Part To Back Down
- Post starter watundah
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Killashandra
Silver Member
I'm not sure if this will help much but it helped me,
I have a protector too.. but after much work and in depth discussions with these parts, I discovered that the protector... is actually not protecting when they interfere with recovery.. they are actually inhibiting progress. Maybe if you express this to your protector they might step aside. Your very sensitive part needs to be able to express themselves safely and if you can get protector on board and ensure protector that Ts room is a safe place to step aside for a moment then maybe then T will have access to the sensitive part.
My protector and I had a discussion about this when I realized that protector was actually helping the trauma last and those protective actions that helped us once upon a time just don't work in adulthood. Thier role changed. Still a protector but less destructive now as long as I keep it in check or assimilate
Hope this helps
Killa
I have a protector too.. but after much work and in depth discussions with these parts, I discovered that the protector... is actually not protecting when they interfere with recovery.. they are actually inhibiting progress. Maybe if you express this to your protector they might step aside. Your very sensitive part needs to be able to express themselves safely and if you can get protector on board and ensure protector that Ts room is a safe place to step aside for a moment then maybe then T will have access to the sensitive part.
My protector and I had a discussion about this when I realized that protector was actually helping the trauma last and those protective actions that helped us once upon a time just don't work in adulthood. Thier role changed. Still a protector but less destructive now as long as I keep it in check or assimilate
Hope this helps
Killa
If they're not alright with some modes of communications, are there other ways to talk they are alright with?
Are there some ways of letting the trauma out that they would condone of or support the expression of?
I tend to go with if talks in one settings & channels & time are not doable? Play with the variants, until you find something you can agree on doing.
// Edited To Add: Or have a talk about the protecting itself. How much of it is necessary, how much of it is wanted, in general, not 'just' the trauma schtuff. Some times it's really not the trauma that's bothering us, trauma just makes everything else thiis much more acute and unmanageable; but very current worries and priorities. That need be sorted out first.
Are there some ways of letting the trauma out that they would condone of or support the expression of?
I tend to go with if talks in one settings & channels & time are not doable? Play with the variants, until you find something you can agree on doing.
// Edited To Add: Or have a talk about the protecting itself. How much of it is necessary, how much of it is wanted, in general, not 'just' the trauma schtuff. Some times it's really not the trauma that's bothering us, trauma just makes everything else thiis much more acute and unmanageable; but very current worries and priorities. That need be sorted out first.
Bristol
Diamond Member
Thank you for posting this thread this is something i am struggling with at the moment to, ill just sit here quietly and read your replies if thats ok :)
- Post starter
- #5
Killa, that is exactly what is happening. Protector part apologized as it saw how distressed and dissociated I became last week and I have asked it to let me be myself in therapy. It's goung to take more convincing and time - "old habits" I see.
Thanks @Ronin we only.communicate by writing, no talking. One thing they seem concerned about is how things will be different. I said different can be better and we can work together. T says they don't need to disappear but step to the side for a while. They agreed but I was still hijacked in session yesterday. I'll try to get more detailed in my request before next session as they seem to want to please. Execution is another matter.
Thanks @Ronin we only.communicate by writing, no talking. One thing they seem concerned about is how things will be different. I said different can be better and we can work together. T says they don't need to disappear but step to the side for a while. They agreed but I was still hijacked in session yesterday. I'll try to get more detailed in my request before next session as they seem to want to please. Execution is another matter.
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- #6
Sideways
VIP Member
My "protector" part absolutely is trying to sabotage my recovery. There's probably endless strategies that you can try, but I think that all of them are going to involve working with your protector part to a degree.
While you may trust your T completely, your protector doesn't seem to, and that's about building trust between the 2 of them, and helping the protector understand that recovery isn't a threat.
Your protector also doesn't seem to trust you. In order for our protector to step aside, the protector needs to believe that it isn't required - that you can be trusted to handle therapy without needing the protector to step in. That's about building the relationship between the 2 of you, understanding each other, and demonstrating that you can trust each other.
Unfortunately, while you and your T may want to speak to your vulnerable part, your protector isn't ready for that - part of you isn't ready for that. Like anyone trying to recover, building sufficient trust has to come first, even though it's frustrating and time consuming.
Also, don't forget that your vulnerable part needs to build a relationship with you as well. If that part isn't given a chance to communicate during therapy, that doesn't mean you can't spend time outside therapy letting that part come out and start sharing. Sometimes, for me, that's more productive, because all of my parts get a chance to see what the vulnerable part wants to say, and often that's enough that they'll agree to me raising those issues with my T beforehand.
Like, my little wants to share info about Situation X, and I give her the chance to explore that through journalling and other methods at a time when we all feel safe. I then share it with the group before I take it to my T, so that all my parts know beforehand "this is what she's going to talk about in therapy, and I'm okay with that".
It's frustrating, but even though you may feel like you're 100% ready to work with your vulnerable part in therapy, there is evidently part of you that isn't ready. We can't always pick and choose what parts we want to work with. Sometimes, our parts choose for us.
While you may trust your T completely, your protector doesn't seem to, and that's about building trust between the 2 of them, and helping the protector understand that recovery isn't a threat.
Your protector also doesn't seem to trust you. In order for our protector to step aside, the protector needs to believe that it isn't required - that you can be trusted to handle therapy without needing the protector to step in. That's about building the relationship between the 2 of you, understanding each other, and demonstrating that you can trust each other.
Unfortunately, while you and your T may want to speak to your vulnerable part, your protector isn't ready for that - part of you isn't ready for that. Like anyone trying to recover, building sufficient trust has to come first, even though it's frustrating and time consuming.
Also, don't forget that your vulnerable part needs to build a relationship with you as well. If that part isn't given a chance to communicate during therapy, that doesn't mean you can't spend time outside therapy letting that part come out and start sharing. Sometimes, for me, that's more productive, because all of my parts get a chance to see what the vulnerable part wants to say, and often that's enough that they'll agree to me raising those issues with my T beforehand.
Like, my little wants to share info about Situation X, and I give her the chance to explore that through journalling and other methods at a time when we all feel safe. I then share it with the group before I take it to my T, so that all my parts know beforehand "this is what she's going to talk about in therapy, and I'm okay with that".
It's frustrating, but even though you may feel like you're 100% ready to work with your vulnerable part in therapy, there is evidently part of you that isn't ready. We can't always pick and choose what parts we want to work with. Sometimes, our parts choose for us.
Things are always different, though. It's something constant, that change; time doesn't return, even if skewed perception of it makes it all sorts of loopy.
& You're pretty dead on with that 'Different can be better' note.
- Post starter
- #8
@Ragdoll Circus your post makes good sense. Ironic that I am in therapy to deal w trust and interpersonal relationship and it turns out the bigger challenge is taming an internal herd around those issues.
I think sabotage is a good word. I am going to keep at this. Thanks for your help.
I think sabotage is a good word. I am going to keep at this. Thanks for your help.
whiteraven
Diamond Member
Completely agree with @Ragdoll Circus. We actually had to stop doing all inner work because there was a direct betrayal of trust between my diagnosing therapist and our primary protector. If she does not have trust in our therapist, she is not going to allow work with or even simple discussion with our younger insiders/parts. Since we got a new therapist, he has worked hard to build a rapport with all of us, not on an individual basis, but as a whole, and she kind of likes him (well, ok...she doesn't hate him). She lets anyone talk to him that wants, most of the time.
We also do a lot of sharing amongst ourselves in the way of play and quiet chatter and, sometimes, in dreams. This seems to be a lot less threatening to everybody than therapy. I try to engage everyone in stuff they enjoy, even if I might now. For example, my protector really likes intense action movies (she would never admit to liking anything, but they definitely hold her attention :-), so I put them on every once-in-a-while for her. I do the same for everyone inside. Find things they like and make sure they have the opportunities to participate in them.
We also do a lot of sharing amongst ourselves in the way of play and quiet chatter and, sometimes, in dreams. This seems to be a lot less threatening to everybody than therapy. I try to engage everyone in stuff they enjoy, even if I might now. For example, my protector really likes intense action movies (she would never admit to liking anything, but they definitely hold her attention :-), so I put them on every once-in-a-while for her. I do the same for everyone inside. Find things they like and make sure they have the opportunities to participate in them.
Hi @watundah!
OMG your post sounds so familiar.
I have a LOT of very rigid protector parts. I have been working with my therapist for almost 3.5 years. At the beginning (and it was a really, really long beginning!), he was often asking for the protectors to give space. Didn't happen. I went into total shutdown, or my intellectual part, or flashback. What a mess. I wanted desperately to progress and heal. FAST!!! But as my psychiatrist is ever-fond of saying, "You can't push the river," and "It's a process you cannot think your way out of." Also at the beginning, I thought all this parts stuff was totally bizarre and did not believe in any of it (but something kept me going back). I understand now that I was (and still am quite a bit) being managed by protectors.
Eventually (it took a long, long time), my therapist started working almost exclusively with my protector parts by doing something called "direct access" which is where he talks to them directly. It is a totally surreal experience and leaves me drained and unbelieving after, but feeling somehow lighter and better at the same time. Anyway, we are still working on this, but after 6 months or so of this kind of work things have been better. My protectors are now at least willing to give some space before they leap back into the fray to "save" me. HA! They are taking a lot of convincing that I am now strong and able enough to handle what comes up in therapy or elsewhere, and that my therapist is trustworthy--not only will he not hurt or invalidate any of my parts, he will be loving and caring and supportive and healing and very, very patient. (In IFS therapy, ALL parts are welcome, because ALL parts are working in the only ways they know how to protect the self and the exiles). It is kind of like 3 steps forward then 2 or 3 steps back, but gradually my protectors are beginning to have an inkling that there might be other jobs for them to do in my system--jobs they might like better, and that might allow me to heal faster.
I wish you well in your efforts to heal. Please be patient and gentle with yourself.
OMG your post sounds so familiar.
I have a LOT of very rigid protector parts. I have been working with my therapist for almost 3.5 years. At the beginning (and it was a really, really long beginning!), he was often asking for the protectors to give space. Didn't happen. I went into total shutdown, or my intellectual part, or flashback. What a mess. I wanted desperately to progress and heal. FAST!!! But as my psychiatrist is ever-fond of saying, "You can't push the river," and "It's a process you cannot think your way out of." Also at the beginning, I thought all this parts stuff was totally bizarre and did not believe in any of it (but something kept me going back). I understand now that I was (and still am quite a bit) being managed by protectors.
Eventually (it took a long, long time), my therapist started working almost exclusively with my protector parts by doing something called "direct access" which is where he talks to them directly. It is a totally surreal experience and leaves me drained and unbelieving after, but feeling somehow lighter and better at the same time. Anyway, we are still working on this, but after 6 months or so of this kind of work things have been better. My protectors are now at least willing to give some space before they leap back into the fray to "save" me. HA! They are taking a lot of convincing that I am now strong and able enough to handle what comes up in therapy or elsewhere, and that my therapist is trustworthy--not only will he not hurt or invalidate any of my parts, he will be loving and caring and supportive and healing and very, very patient. (In IFS therapy, ALL parts are welcome, because ALL parts are working in the only ways they know how to protect the self and the exiles). It is kind of like 3 steps forward then 2 or 3 steps back, but gradually my protectors are beginning to have an inkling that there might be other jobs for them to do in my system--jobs they might like better, and that might allow me to heal faster.
I wish you well in your efforts to heal. Please be patient and gentle with yourself.
- Post starter
- #11
@Hope4Now thank you so much for this. It means a great deal to me and is very encouraging. I love the fact that my T has the fortitude to do whatever it takes and isn't accepting my push back when I tell her I do not like this work. Your words are encouraging and it's good to hear your story. I believe anything is possible!
Bananie
Silver Member
Thank you so much for starting this thread, and to all who've replied. So much just clicked into place from everyone's insights that...well, that I've been sitting here like "whoa" for I don't even know how long, and the cursor has just been blinking away, so I'm gonna leave it at THANKS! and go down this rabbit hole for awhile!
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