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- #37
barefoot
Diamond Member
An update:
Yesterday's session was quite tough.
I said that I felt that she'd misled me and that all her reassurances over the past months (longer!) re us “working something out” when the corporate money ran out now felt quite empty and meaningless.
I told her that I felt like we should have had this conversation weeks ago and that I think we have both been as avoidant as each other.
I took responsibility for my part in the fact that we didn’t have the conversation sooner – I was avoidant because I felt uncomfortable about talking about money, I kept wanting to bring it up but then couldn’t/didn’t, I kept telling her that I wanted to keep working with her but I was worried about money and didn’t know how that would work but I expected her to just tell me and maybe I could have been more specific and direct about asking how we work out the fees etc.
And I said that I felt that she could have handled it much better and that she could have helped me to make the conversation happen – that I thought we had both contributed to the current situation, which was creating a lot of anxiety and distress.
I said that getting an email from her suggesting that we move to monthly sessions as from our next session (the next day) was a massive change, which would take some adjustment and that that had really thrown me if that’s what she was saying we should do.
She got pretty defensive, argumentative and feisty at different points. I actually managed to be very measured overall (perhaps a few moments of feistiness!) And I didn't cry! I actually just felt surprisingly calm and determined throughout.
We did spend quite a while going round in circles about a few points, which felt quite frustrating, because it felt like she was just totally missing the point I was trying to make. For instance, she kept insisting that she had tried to have the conversation with me several times over the past weeks, asking me what I wanted to do, whether I wanted to continue etc. So she kept saying that as though she had done her bit and I was the one who wouldn’t talk about it. I kept saying that, yes, she did ask me that several times. And that, every time, I had told her very clearly that I did want to keep seeing her but that I didn’t have much money so I wasn’t sure how we’d work that out. And then I’d look at her expectantly, waiting for her to talk about fees but she never did. We had this same conversation over again in yesterday’s session and, in the end, I just said, if what she needed in order for us to sort out fees was for me to email her telling her what I could afford, she could have asked me to do that in any of those conversations. But she didn’t do that any of those times. The only time she did that was at the end of last week’s session (our last paid-for session) after I had brought up the fact that it was the last session and she had claimed not to have realised. She went quiet then and I think she did realise at that point that, yes, she could (should?!) have asked me to send her that email sooner and not left it until the very last moment when the sessions had already run out.
She didn’t explicitly take any responsibility for the current mess or agree that she hasn’t handled it very well but I didn’t really expect her to. What she did do is acknowledge how I felt about it all and she did seem to genuinely hear what I was saying in the end and she determined to then resolve things in yesterday’s session.
So…in the end, she suggested that I could see her weekly between now and my surgery for a one off total payment of £120 (which is for five sessions, including yesterday’s). And we’ll choose one of those sessions to review and come up with a new plan for when I’m back after the surgery (I’ll have to take a break from therapy for at least a couple of weeks and, I suspect, for longer than that following the op).
Although it was hard and pretty rocky in there at times, I feel in a much better place with things/her having put all this out there. I think one of the most important things to come out of it is that I stood my ground, held my nerve, spoke up for myself and calmly expressed what I’d found difficult, how she could have helped me and what the impact on me had been. I have written a few times on the forum over the past few weeks how I have recently felt quite powerless in the relationship – and how I realise that I give her so much power (because it isn’t that she takes it – I do give it). So it actually felt good and empowering yesterday for me to say some things that I needed her to hear, know and acknowledge, regardless of whether she agreed with me or not.
So, I feel that we’re now in a pretty good place and that I probably want to spend some time next week raising the issue of my avoidance and my difficulty with bringing things up in sessions (not just about money) and I think it is probably a good idea for me to tell her that I feel I give her too much power. I think if I tell her that, we can perhaps discuss how I can maximise my time in sessions, how I can ensure that I manage to say things in session that I need to say (and how she can support me in doing that) and we can perhaps unpack what it is in me/the dynamic that regularly makes me scamper down rabbit holes after her when I know that’s not actually what I want to be talking about. I have been frustrated with myself about this issue for ages, so perhaps it’s time that I just put it out there with her so that we can maybe try to break some of these patterns?
As I got up to leave, I asked if we were ok and she was incredibly warm and said that of course we were and she wasn’t annoyed with me and that she thinks it was important that we had that honest conversation and that she was just pleased and relieved that we finally have something (albeit short term) in place and we would make sure we sorted things out for after my surgery break within the next couple of weeks.
I still think she mishandled it. But she now seems to be trying to put it right. And I think she took in what I said about what would have been helpful for me from her. So I think that will inform how we move forward. I would say that trust is still dented but that we did manage to do some significant repair work yesterday.
Final thing is that my work meeting yesterday morning went really well and, although I am trying not to get too excited and not to count my chickens before they are hatched, it does look like that project will be green-light go. And, in that case, the income that will generate for me will ease my current financial pressure and anxiety, at least for the next six months. Of course, until we actually make a start, there is always the danger that things may fall through/get postponed but I am very hopeful that it will happen. So, that gives me hope that, if I want to continue working with my therapist (which, after where we finally got to yesterday, I think I do) I will be able to find a way to do that in a way that will work for both of us.
I hope I am not being naïve/not just blindly rushing back into adoring her and forgiving her and ignoring the red flags that this situation has raised. I think I will see how the sessions leading up to my surgery go and I’m determined to try to step back from how I feel about her/our relationship and really focus on session outcomes and how (if!) this honest conversation impacts how we work together.
Thanks so much everyone for your comments and support on this thread. It has meant a lot and has really helped me get through a couple of very tough days. Things definitely aren't 100% sorted but I am much more hopeful now that we may be able to move forward positively...
Yesterday's session was quite tough.
I said that I felt that she'd misled me and that all her reassurances over the past months (longer!) re us “working something out” when the corporate money ran out now felt quite empty and meaningless.
I told her that I felt like we should have had this conversation weeks ago and that I think we have both been as avoidant as each other.
I took responsibility for my part in the fact that we didn’t have the conversation sooner – I was avoidant because I felt uncomfortable about talking about money, I kept wanting to bring it up but then couldn’t/didn’t, I kept telling her that I wanted to keep working with her but I was worried about money and didn’t know how that would work but I expected her to just tell me and maybe I could have been more specific and direct about asking how we work out the fees etc.
And I said that I felt that she could have handled it much better and that she could have helped me to make the conversation happen – that I thought we had both contributed to the current situation, which was creating a lot of anxiety and distress.
I said that getting an email from her suggesting that we move to monthly sessions as from our next session (the next day) was a massive change, which would take some adjustment and that that had really thrown me if that’s what she was saying we should do.
She got pretty defensive, argumentative and feisty at different points. I actually managed to be very measured overall (perhaps a few moments of feistiness!) And I didn't cry! I actually just felt surprisingly calm and determined throughout.
We did spend quite a while going round in circles about a few points, which felt quite frustrating, because it felt like she was just totally missing the point I was trying to make. For instance, she kept insisting that she had tried to have the conversation with me several times over the past weeks, asking me what I wanted to do, whether I wanted to continue etc. So she kept saying that as though she had done her bit and I was the one who wouldn’t talk about it. I kept saying that, yes, she did ask me that several times. And that, every time, I had told her very clearly that I did want to keep seeing her but that I didn’t have much money so I wasn’t sure how we’d work that out. And then I’d look at her expectantly, waiting for her to talk about fees but she never did. We had this same conversation over again in yesterday’s session and, in the end, I just said, if what she needed in order for us to sort out fees was for me to email her telling her what I could afford, she could have asked me to do that in any of those conversations. But she didn’t do that any of those times. The only time she did that was at the end of last week’s session (our last paid-for session) after I had brought up the fact that it was the last session and she had claimed not to have realised. She went quiet then and I think she did realise at that point that, yes, she could (should?!) have asked me to send her that email sooner and not left it until the very last moment when the sessions had already run out.
She didn’t explicitly take any responsibility for the current mess or agree that she hasn’t handled it very well but I didn’t really expect her to. What she did do is acknowledge how I felt about it all and she did seem to genuinely hear what I was saying in the end and she determined to then resolve things in yesterday’s session.
So…in the end, she suggested that I could see her weekly between now and my surgery for a one off total payment of £120 (which is for five sessions, including yesterday’s). And we’ll choose one of those sessions to review and come up with a new plan for when I’m back after the surgery (I’ll have to take a break from therapy for at least a couple of weeks and, I suspect, for longer than that following the op).
Although it was hard and pretty rocky in there at times, I feel in a much better place with things/her having put all this out there. I think one of the most important things to come out of it is that I stood my ground, held my nerve, spoke up for myself and calmly expressed what I’d found difficult, how she could have helped me and what the impact on me had been. I have written a few times on the forum over the past few weeks how I have recently felt quite powerless in the relationship – and how I realise that I give her so much power (because it isn’t that she takes it – I do give it). So it actually felt good and empowering yesterday for me to say some things that I needed her to hear, know and acknowledge, regardless of whether she agreed with me or not.
So, I feel that we’re now in a pretty good place and that I probably want to spend some time next week raising the issue of my avoidance and my difficulty with bringing things up in sessions (not just about money) and I think it is probably a good idea for me to tell her that I feel I give her too much power. I think if I tell her that, we can perhaps discuss how I can maximise my time in sessions, how I can ensure that I manage to say things in session that I need to say (and how she can support me in doing that) and we can perhaps unpack what it is in me/the dynamic that regularly makes me scamper down rabbit holes after her when I know that’s not actually what I want to be talking about. I have been frustrated with myself about this issue for ages, so perhaps it’s time that I just put it out there with her so that we can maybe try to break some of these patterns?
As I got up to leave, I asked if we were ok and she was incredibly warm and said that of course we were and she wasn’t annoyed with me and that she thinks it was important that we had that honest conversation and that she was just pleased and relieved that we finally have something (albeit short term) in place and we would make sure we sorted things out for after my surgery break within the next couple of weeks.
I still think she mishandled it. But she now seems to be trying to put it right. And I think she took in what I said about what would have been helpful for me from her. So I think that will inform how we move forward. I would say that trust is still dented but that we did manage to do some significant repair work yesterday.
Final thing is that my work meeting yesterday morning went really well and, although I am trying not to get too excited and not to count my chickens before they are hatched, it does look like that project will be green-light go. And, in that case, the income that will generate for me will ease my current financial pressure and anxiety, at least for the next six months. Of course, until we actually make a start, there is always the danger that things may fall through/get postponed but I am very hopeful that it will happen. So, that gives me hope that, if I want to continue working with my therapist (which, after where we finally got to yesterday, I think I do) I will be able to find a way to do that in a way that will work for both of us.
I hope I am not being naïve/not just blindly rushing back into adoring her and forgiving her and ignoring the red flags that this situation has raised. I think I will see how the sessions leading up to my surgery go and I’m determined to try to step back from how I feel about her/our relationship and really focus on session outcomes and how (if!) this honest conversation impacts how we work together.
Thanks so much everyone for your comments and support on this thread. It has meant a lot and has really helped me get through a couple of very tough days. Things definitely aren't 100% sorted but I am much more hopeful now that we may be able to move forward positively...
